Dealing with Repressed Memories of CSA: Seeking Guidance

[Lola234]

Hi,
I repressed my memories of CSA for a long time and I'm still repressing a lot. The memories are extremely fragmented and mostly they're just images or like parts of movie I watch as a third person that last for a few seconds. I feel like they're disconnected from my current self... I don't know how to explain it. Often, I feel like crying when I recall them, or have weird feeling in my stomach but I don't cry, which makes me wonder if I just make them up or imagine them. I'm so scared and anxious about this. Is all of this normal?

 

[Movingforward10]

Totally and utterly normal.

I harp on about this book "healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" by Janina fisher. It really really helped me make sense of everything you wrote about.


When you think about repressed memories, it's us splitting off from ourselves. We put it away. We detach from ourselves. Detach from the trauma. Detach from the reality of what happened. And detach from the emotions of it all. So when the memories come back, it's about putting all the peices of feelings, memory, facts, back into one to form our story.
So makes total sense that you feel like crying but can't. As those parts of you all need to find a way to connect with each other again.

What you are going through is incredibly hard. It's such a confusing time. But it does get easier.

 

[arfie]

well. . . normal for ptsd. i sure hope it is not a global norm.

the good news is that it gets easier as you go. in my own case, it has gotten easier but it still ain't easy.

easy does it, lola. you are doing better than it feels.

 

[Lola234]

Totally and utterly normal.

I harp on about this book "healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" by Janina fisher. It really really helped me make sense of everything you wrote about.


When you think about repressed memories, it's us splitting off from ourselves. We put it away. We detach from ourselves. Detach from the trauma. Detach from the reality of what happened. And detach from the emotions of it all. So when the memories come back, it's about putting all the peices of feelings, memory, facts, back into one to form our story.
So makes total sense that you feel like crying but can't. As those parts of you all need to find a way to connect with each other again.

What you are going through is incredibly hard. It's such a confusing time. But it does get easier.

Thank you sm. I'm scared I'm making things up or that I just imagine things.

 

[Lola234]

And is it normal for many of those memories to feel unreal?
Also, I can't recall them as normal memories. I mean... I'll try to explain it the best I can... those memories aren't like "yeah I know this happened at this age and I know that this is part of my story" they're more like pieces of my story that randomly pop up and I watch them as a third person.

 

[arfie]

And is it normal for many of those memories to feel unreal?

again, it is normal for me, butt, love me or hate me, few would ever accuse me of being "normal."

"trauma induced amnesia" was my first official psych dx in 1974. i could recall enough facts of my childhood to fool even myself, but my shrink was utterly convinced i was reciting rather than remembering. it didn't take me long to agree with him, but it took me another 15 years or so to understand why he kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i couldn't remember my childhood, but i knew my current day birth family well enough to believe that forgetting was a good thing.

i have come healed much since then, but the trauma memories still feel unreal to me and nobody seems to feel like that piece is a big problem. the important part is processing them far enough to treat the opportunistic infections. may such abuses one day be as unreal as they feel while i am remediating the damage they sponsored.

addendum
i still don't know the diff between a memory and a flashback, but the flashbacks feel more real than the day i am actually living. devastatingly real. thank life that i have healed far enough that those don't plague me like they did when i was saying, "amnesia" like it is a good thing.

 

[Movingforward10]

And is it normal for many of those memories to feel unreal?

Yep. And feelings.
i now understand that if something feels unreal, I am now aware that it is most likely real.

 

[Lola234]

again, it is normal for me, butt, love me or hate me, few would ever accuse me of being "normal."

"trauma induced amnesia" was my first official psych dx in 1974. i could recall enough facts of my childhood to fool even myself, but my shrink was utterly convinced i was reciting rather than remembering. it didn't take me long to agree with him, but it took me another 15 years or so to understand why he kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i couldn't remember my childhood, but i knew my current day birth family well enough to believe that forgetting was a good thing.

i have come healed much since then, but the trauma memories still feel unreal to me and nobody seems to feel like that piece is a big problem. the important part is processing them far enough to treat the opportunistic infections. may such abuses one day be as unreal as they feel while i am remediating the damage they sponsored.

addendum
i still don't know the diff between a memory and a flashback, but the flashbacks feel more real than the day i am actually living. devastatingly real. thank life that i have healed far enough that those don't plague me like they did when i was saying, "amnesia" like it is a good thing.

Thank you.

 

[Lola234]

Yep. And feelings.
i now understand that if something feels unreal, I am now aware that it is most likely real.

Thank you. Sometimes I'm scared I just imagine that stuff and that I'm crazy cuz I can't even distinguish the difference between memory and imagination.

 

[Compass307]

You are most certainly not crazy and your memories, thoughts and feelings have value. In my opinion, if you have symptoms which imply something happened then it is very likely something did. These symptoms of derealization, PTSD like experience etc, don't just show up and can't be imagined. They're very real and very valid. It makes sense to question it and to see it as a separate self who it happened to. It's protective and adaptive-- hang in there and be sure to explore these things within the safe context of the therapy space.

 

[Lola234]

Thank you

You are most certainly not crazy and your memories, thoughts and feelings have value. In my opinion, if you have symptoms which imply something happened then it is very likely something did. These symptoms of derealization, PTSD like experience etc, don't just show up and can't be imagined. They're very real and very valid. It makes sense to question it and to see it as a separate self who it happened to. It's protective and adaptive-- hang in there and be sure to explore these things within the safe context of the therapy space.

Thank you. Yeah, it feels like it happened to someone else and like the memories were somehow separated from my other memories, from my past and also current self, if it makes sense.