I have spent almost 10 years sweeping the thought of my rape under the rug...and I have got to say, I have done a pretty good job doing so... until now.
Now I live in a world where people speak his name often. Where his child lives in the same apartment building as me. I am constantly imagining bumping into him near my apartment. I am scared...not of him doing something, but facing what I should have faced 10 years ago. But you see its not that simple.
When I tried to face reality 10 years ago everything around me feel apart. I only wanted to tell one person...but through no fault of my own one turned into 20, and 20 turned into 40 and soon enough everyone was talking...about what a "whore" I was and how I wanted it and how I was a liar. When every single person your surrounded by tells you that you wanted it, and that your a whore... you realize it doesn't matter what really happened or what you say, people will think what they want... so why try to fight them?
I've done okay with time, granted I buried this not so secret, secret deep inside me. But now I have to face it. I cant hide from it. Now hes a part of the peoples lives that I am surrounded by and I don't know how to handle this. I have no idea what to do. My mind is constantly going. Everything is completely overwhelming all the sudden.
I don't wanna face this alone. I know I have people, friends and a wonderful fiance, but I don't wanna tell them ESPECIALLY considering how badly it went last time I opened up. Even if they didn't treat me like that I don't want them to flip out if they see him around or something. I don't want to divide people, or cause problems...I just don't wanna hold this secret in any more...and I am panicking.
Now I live in a world where people speak his name often. Where his child lives in the same apartment building as me. I am constantly imagining bumping into him near my apartment. I am scared...not of him doing something, but facing what I should have faced 10 years ago. But you see its not that simple.
When I tried to face reality 10 years ago everything around me feel apart. I only wanted to tell one person...but through no fault of my own one turned into 20, and 20 turned into 40 and soon enough everyone was talking...about what a "whore" I was and how I wanted it and how I was a liar. When every single person your surrounded by tells you that you wanted it, and that your a whore... you realize it doesn't matter what really happened or what you say, people will think what they want... so why try to fight them?
I've done okay with time, granted I buried this not so secret, secret deep inside me. But now I have to face it. I cant hide from it. Now hes a part of the peoples lives that I am surrounded by and I don't know how to handle this. I have no idea what to do. My mind is constantly going. Everything is completely overwhelming all the sudden.
I don't wanna face this alone. I know I have people, friends and a wonderful fiance, but I don't wanna tell them ESPECIALLY considering how badly it went last time I opened up. Even if they didn't treat me like that I don't want them to flip out if they see him around or something. I don't want to divide people, or cause problems...I just don't wanna hold this secret in any more...and I am panicking.