Dealing with transference in therapy

Dreamer146

New Here
I am currently making the experience that I have very strong maternal transference towards my therapist. I deeply want her to be my mum, that I'm liked more than other patients and am more important, I miss her so much in-between sessions, I also really long for a deep connection that I've never had with my parents... it hurts so intensely deep and profound that she said "I'm not your mum, I'm only your therapist and I'll never be more than that". Part of me consciously knows that, part of me (guess my unconscious hurt parts) doesn't wanna accept this... I dream about her a lot, mostly about spending time with her,she getting personal with me,treating me like a mum.
EVen if she said she often feels sorry, when I am hurt and doesn't want me to be hurt, it doesn't make this intense pain and desires go away..

anyone of you experienced this and HOW did your therapist reacted and dealt with it to help you eventually resolve this? ALSO at what point would you say it it might be better change therapists? I'm not too sure...
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I hear you.
I have this too.
And in lots of ways my T encourages it.
It is so intensely painful. Sort of bitter sweet. Because it's wonderful to feel this in some ways, and have her hear me, see me, validate me. But so painful in others. The time between sessions. When she goes on a break. Knowing this is a finite relationship. Etc.

My T said that she can't be the answer I am looking for, but she can help to find it.

We talk about my feelings for her all the time.
All. The. Time.

The intensity hasn't changed, but I'm told and read that it will over time. Somehow it's working through this relational trauma we suffered as children. I haven't worked out how to do that yet. But am hopeful that I will at some point.
In lots of ways I'm wholly resistant to let go this hope and longing for her.

Do you feel your T is able to manage all this? And help you work through it?

My T keeps trying to reassure me that it is totally to be expected, and part of the therapy process.
 

Dreamer146

New Here
I hear you.
I have this too.
And in lots of ways my T encourages it.
It is so intensely painful. Sort of bitter sweet. Because it's wonderful to feel this in some ways, and have her hear me, see me, validate me. But so painful in others. The time between sessions. When she goes on a break. Knowing this is a finite relationship. Etc.

My T said that she can't be the answer I am looking for, but she can help to find it.

We talk about my feelings for her all the time.
All. The. Time.

The intensity hasn't changed, but I'm told and read that it will over time. Somehow it's working through this relational trauma we suffered as children. I haven't worked out how to do that yet. But am hopeful that I will at some point.
In lots of ways I'm wholly resistant to let go this hope and longing for her.

Do you feel your T is able to manage all this? And help you work through it?

My T keeps trying to reassure me that it is totally to be expected, and part of the therapy process.
Well I'm not sure if she is able to handle all this in a way it should be handled. We just had a phone call and she told me that we'll look at my wounded hurt inner child and the needs that were deeply inconsistently or even consistently unmet in childhood and to help it so it doesn't get triggered by her so often (especially negatively). So I can't really tell but she seems to be rather "distant" meaning that she at didnt tell me yet that this is a normal part of therapy but that uncovering this can be beneficial to the therapeutic relationship... But she doesn't talk about those feelings all the time and does not first. Had to actually bring this topic up 4 times so far because I sensed it might not be too important to her therapeutically and said I need WORK on my view of her with her together... I don't know.. when I clearly said that it's not gonna be a solution if she might repeat 10 times in the next sessions that she's not my mum and just won't be any more than my therapist ever...
 

Dreamer146

New Here
I hear you.
I have this too.
And in lots of ways my T encourages it.
It is so intensely painful. Sort of bitter sweet. Because it's wonderful to feel this in some ways, and have her hear me, see me, validate me. But so painful in others. The time between sessions. When she goes on a break. Knowing this is a finite relationship. Etc.

My T said that she can't be the answer I am looking for, but she can help to find it.

We talk about my feelings for her all the time.
All. The. Time.

The intensity hasn't changed, but I'm told and read that it will over time. Somehow it's working through this relational trauma we suffered as children. I haven't worked out how to do that yet. But am hopeful that I will at some point.
In lots of ways I'm wholly resistant to let go this hope and longing for her.

Do you feel your T is able to manage all this? And help you work through it?

My T keeps trying to reassure me that it is totally to be expected, and part of the therapy process.
But she is concerned and often asks me what she could do better in the future so those for example anger moments by me can be avoided and that we now agreed on clearer communication and that she'll explain things more detailed so that I the room for my misinterpretations are as small as possible..
But quite honestly I can't tell how helpful this will be in the end.
She is not really as experienced yet (been practising since 1.5 years and is under supervision but no idea if she'll talk this over with her supervisor)..
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Well I'm not sure if she is able to handle all this in a way it should be handled. We just had a phone call and she told me that we'll look at my wounded hurt inner child and the needs that were deeply inconsistently or even consistently unmet in childhood and to help it so it doesn't get triggered by her so often (especially negatively). So I can't really tell but she seems to be rather "distant" meaning that she at didnt tell me yet that this is a normal part of therapy but that uncovering this can be beneficial to the therapeutic relationship... But she doesn't talk about those feelings all the time and does not first. Had to actually bring this topic up 4 times so far because I sensed it might not be too important to her therapeutically and said I need WORK on my view of her with her together... I don't know.. when I clearly said that it's not gonna be a solution if she might repeat 10 times in the next sessions that she's not my mum and just won't be any more than my therapist ever...
That's really challenging if you feel she isn't up to this and in a way dismisses it.
Do you feel able to bring this up with her?

I can totally see how her saying she isn't your mum isn't helping! You know the glaring obvious. It's the meaning behind it you need her help with.

My T sometimes 'validates' things in a way that I sometimes find dismissive. (why is she not reacting intensely when this is intense?!). So sometimes that normalising of things can feel like she has misunderstood. But it isn't her misunderstanding, it's her trying to say it's ok.
Do you think there is that element with your T? Or is this her not getting it?

My T doesn't bring it up either. She waits for me. Mainly because I think she wants to check I'm ok with it. She rarely brings things up without me raising it first. If she does, she triple checks I'm ok with it.
 

Dreamer146

New Here
That's really challenging if you feel she isn't up to this and in a way dismisses it.
Do you feel able to bring this up with her?

I can totally see how her saying she isn't your mum isn't helping! You know the glaring obvious. It's the meaning behind it you need her help with.

My T sometimes 'validates' things in a way that I sometimes find dismissive. (why is she not reacting intensely when this is intense?!). So sometimes that normalising of things can feel like she has misunderstood. But it isn't her misunderstanding, it's her trying to say it's ok.
Do you think there is that element with your T? Or is this her not getting it?

My T doesn't bring it up either. She waits for me. Mainly because I think she wants to check I'm ok with it. She rarely brings things up without me raising it first. If she does, she triple checks I'm ok with it.
Yes I actually brought it up within the phone call and I mean it's good that she seems to try really hard to give me what I need (at least therapeutically) and that we'll pull this situation (where this intense pain was caused by her telling me what she did) through the schema model in our next session. So let's see how that will turn out and how she will exactly process with this all in the next weeks
 

grit

Not Active
Using ultimate imagination in both your adulthood and as a child, what is the end game? What is your ultimate goal, desire, wish from the therapist?

No one not even our real mothers can give everything we want.

So the healing in this sort of re-enactment is the client, to distinguish the past and the present. If not completely at least play with it! Humor, art, and speaking things or situations you have full control or knowledge may help.

What is impossible and will be unethical is the therapist to enjoy and lead on this re-enactment...where she brings up, stars to play and makes it stronger structural sense in the client.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
But she is concerned and often asks me what she could do better in the future so those for example anger moments by me can be avoided and that we now agreed on clearer communication and that she'll explain things more detailed so that I the room for my misinterpretations are as small as possible..
But quite honestly I can't tell how helpful this will be in the end.
She is not really as experienced yet (been practising since 1.5 years and is under supervision but no idea if she'll talk this over with her supervisor)..
It sounds good that she hears you about what angers you. That sounds like she is learning how to help you and learning about you.

All therapists should be under supervision. Is my understanding of what you mean different? I.em all therapists should have supervision. Are you saying that as she is fairly new she is still under some sort of new therapist programme?

I can see the worry about the length of time your T has been practising. But sometimes experience helps finely tune but also sometimes things come more easily for some people than others, so experience (length of service) itself isn't an indicator of skill. ( Lots of crap therapists been around for decades!).

Sounds like you might have an uncomfortable discussion with her about where you think she can help you, or not, with this transference? I would def talk to her about it whether you decide to work it through with her or get a new T.
 

Dreamer146

New Here
It sounds good that she hears you about what angers you. That sounds like she is learning how to help you and learning about you.

All therapists should be under supervision. Is my understanding of what you mean different? I.em all therapists should have supervision. Are you saying that as she is fairly new she is still under some sort of new therapist programme?

I can see the worry about the length of time your T has been practising. But sometimes experience helps finely tune but also sometimes things come more easily for some people than others, so experience (length of service) itself isn't an indicator of skill. ( Lots of crap therapists been around for decades!).

Sounds like you might have an uncomfortable discussion with her about where you think she can help you, or not, with this transference? I would def talk to her about it whether you decide to work it through with her or get a new T.
Yes she hasn't finished her studies yet (in Germany you have to study, then do a seperate education for becoming for example a analytic or behavioral therapist, where they have to do 4 year practical practise so she indeed works as a therapist already and therefore they have strong supervision who supports them extra.

But this can be great because usually new therapists are more keen to learn stuff, be more patient (mabey), etc and as I said have more regular supervision.like a supervisor almost constantly reviews what they do to help with things they might be overwhelmed with or wouldn't properly know how to handle sth

I actually talked about it today in the phonecall but I believe she might have to think about this for a little . But will make sure I ask again in the session this Thursday cuz if she doesn't have a plan it might be problematic
 
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