Death Death Of An Abuser

[digger]

This is not trauma, but I guess comes under stressors maybe? - it was what opened that box and sent my life spinning again anyway.

I see people wishing their abusers dead. I think believing that it will somehow release them from their pain. Maybe it will for some people, but that hasn't been the case for me.
The police told us by phone that my dad was dead. Had been found dead. I wasn't even aware he was missing. No one was really until he'd already been lying rotting there for a month. No one cared enough to notice.

You'd think that'd be a good thing right? He got the sort of death men like him deserve to die didn't he? Alone. Scared. Rotting in his own filth...It's what some people would want. I've seen it said. I hate myself for feeling any sort of sorry for him and how he ended up living and dying. Alone and rotting in his own filth. But I do.

And it should have been a relief. That he was no longer someone I needed to think about dealing with ever again. But instead it was the catalyst for the chaos that my head has been ever since. And that sucks because it still feels like he's winning.

I never thought it would be like this. I thought him being dead wouldn't be much different to him being alive because I hardly had any contact with him alive any more. Instead he has ended up so much more in my life dead, than he ever was alive.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I've said it before anyway but my head gets stuck on it I guess. Especially the dual feelings about him. That's something I find too hard to accept in myself. That I am capable of feeling any compassion for him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When my dad died, I felt weird and it took awhile for it to sink in. He suffered terribly from cancer I learned. I had disconnected from two decades ago. So I can relate to the dual feelings.

Just a guess but mabe now you feel safe enough for this stuff to surface now.

We had to love them. Our survival depended on that.

I felt later on a great relief that he could not hurt anyone ever again. I have a half brother I barely know who had been living with him and I said he could have all of my dads stuff. So I did not have to deal with going through his stuff which made it a lot easier on me.

My mom was killed in a airplane crash thirty years ago. I was only nineteen and I did have to go through her stuff which was really hard.

Please know it is all over. He will never hurt you again, ever.

My dad had a small insurance policy that he left to us five kids. It made me feel that he loved me and I felt compassion for him.

I journaled and talked about how I felt.

Both of my parents were my abusers. I hated both of them and loved both of them.

I resolved this by accepting the fact that they were my family. The only one I had. It is only natural to feel some love or compassion for your dad because you are a good person even though he was not. You have probably been in a quick sand situation over this event.

I think that self care is your number one priority now. To take good care of yourself as you resolve your emotions and thoughts and bad memories.

My heart goes out to you. It is hard to be doing what you are doing. I can relate and identify with what you may be going through.

Big hugs and sending you positive energy that heals.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I find too hard to accept in myself. That I am capable of feeling any compassion for him.

Try not to be hard on yourself. It reflects you are a compassionate human being. :)

 

[Candleflames]

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I've said it before anyway but my head gets stuck on it I guess.

Because you still need to get it out. If it's stuck in your head your not done working through it. Keep writing.

You are a good person, that's why you feel compassion. I know it can seem bizarre to think a person can feel two very different emotions at the same time but it is possible. You are a person and we're allowed to be contradictory and to feel whatever it is we are feeling.

Presumably you dad was a human being as well. Flawed and hurtful and horrible at times, yes, but still a person. Just because he deserves the anger and contempt(?) you feel doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the compassion you feel for the circumstances of his demise. More importantly his flaws doesn't negate your right to feel whatever it is you feel.

 

[Notsowild]

@digger ... I can understand this. My story is a little different though. I cried a lot when my father ( my abuser) died. I had gotten to know him in this later years. I loved this father I knew not the one who abused me as a child. I'm glad I got to know him. I still miss that father.

 

[digger]

Just a guess but mabe now you feel safe enough for this stuff to surface now

I have wondered this myself. Don't get me wrong, it was a pretty shitty situation anyway - whatever your relationship with your parents, what we had go through with and after his death was grim to say the least. But my reaction to it feels out of proportion to the event. It just opened everything else up and I do think maybe you're right - that it just wasn't something my head could even begin to consider dealing with while he was alive....maybe...

You have probably been in a quick sand situation over this event.

Interesting. I remember sometime last year remarking to a friend that trying to put my life back together felt 'a lot like building with quicksand'...

Thank you all for responses.

 

[digger]

Just because he deserves the anger and contempt(?) you feel

I don't know if I do feel that. I've been trying to work that out. It feels like that's what I should feel. What I want to feel. Maybe need to even. But I can't sustain that.

 

[ms spock]

You can let yourself be digger.

You can let yourself have whatever it is that comes up.

You don't have to second guess yourself.

Let yourself feel what you feel. It is okay to feel compassion for your father, even though he was your abuser.

There is no right or wrong way to feel when your abuser dies.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

There is no right or wrong way to feel when your abuser dies.

At the end of the day abusers lack an important human factor. Love. Self love. In this beautiful thing called life they choose to walk through life abusing the innocent. They are cowards who cannot look in the mirror. You can Digger. You/me and everyone else can look in the mirror and see we are worthy of love. You/me/everyone didn't deserve the injustices we were forced to endure.

Sometimes I want to go dig up my grandfathers grave only to stomp it through the center of the earth on its way to the moon! On the other hand I feel that is too much energy to spend on a worthless human being. He lived his own hell.

My memories were still repressed while my grandfather was alive. He died of old age. My mother was insistent I go with her to his deathbed. His health was declining.... say goodbye type of thing. I didn't want to go. I had strong dislike for the man without understanding why. I had several unexplained memories..nothing that made any real sense. And one vivid encounter involving my daughter. He followed me into the bathroom with a knife while I was changing my daughters diaper in the bathtub. At the time I thought he was insane. An old man who was losing his mind. No. He is who he is even in his old age. I grabbed the kids and ran from the house. Never to go back.

My mothers insistence piqued my curiosity. She was up to something I had not talked to her in years. I thought it might unlock the many missing puzzle pieces in my childhood. So I went. I didn't take my daughter. I also wanted to see my cousins and an Aunt that disliked her as much as I do. LOL He took one look at me and demanded to know "what is she doing here." He was angry. He was shaking. Everyone was silent. Ignoring him. His unease filled the room. The silence was deafening. I thought about asking him about the last time I saw him. I remained silent. The next day he ended up in the hospital. He demanded I leave the room. He demanded to know why they brought me there. In hindsight...he looked me straight in the eyes with confusion...searching for any signs my memories had surfaced. He demanded my mother to do as they had discussed and everything will work out..be ok. "Do what I told you B__." In a curt smug tone she said. Yes,daddy.

My mother wanted me there to piss him off. Lovely,she will use me to piss him off yet refused to protect me. I was a threat to him. He lived with fear of exposure all his life. I don't have to do anything to the man.....he did it to himself. :)

 

[digger]

I'm afraid I can't relate to much of that @Survivor2Thriver - I'm not sure what point you're trying to make? It sounds like you are happy with how you feel about and view your abusers. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you are, for you, but you don't seem to have any of the conflicting feelings I'm trying to resolve?

You seem to be at the opposite side of things. Did you go through any of this to get there? How did you resolve it?

At the end of the day abusers lack an important human factor. Love. Self love.

That doesn't make me glad or feel okay with this. It makes me sad. And then is when the conflict arises. For example, you seem to be using that to say it is okay to not care about your abuser (which is fine) but what I'm struggling with is that I do.

Maybe I'm not communicating what I mean well.

They are cowards who cannot look in the mirror. You can Digger. You/me and everyone else can look in the mirror and see we are worthy of love.

No. I can't I'm afraid.

 

[digger]

My memories were still repressed while my grandfather was alive. He died of old age.

What did you feel about him when he died? Is his death what triggered your memories to come back?

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

That doesn't make me glad or feel okay with this. It makes me sad. And then is when the conflict arises. For example, you seem to be using that to say it is okay to not care about your abuser (which is fine) but what I'm struggling with is that I do.

There is much hope for your life than you realize.:)

That doesn't make me glad or feel okay with this. It makes me sad.

It is sad Digger. At the end of the day that is what I see. Sadness. No anger. No hurt. Sadness. What I see... is sad human beings for whatever reason gave up on what life has to offer in exchange to destroy the lives of others. Our worth doesn't come from others. It comes from within. :)