Death Death Of An Abuser

[Lucycat]

I see people wishing their abusers dead. I think believing that it will somehow release them from their pain. Maybe it will for some people, but that hasn't been the case for me.

I hadn't replied before because this thread scares me.
But I will try and get my point across. My abuser is not yet dead. Sometimes I wish he was. Then I feel that I must be evil for having those thoughts. Of course he was my Dad and as a child I loved him as my dad. The fact that he was abusing me regularly for years did not come into the equation. He was/is still my Dad.

I have broken contact with him for 4 years now. I know in my head that it is the right thing to do. But sometimes my heart cries out for him - despite everything. I am of his DNA. I cannot change that bond.However I know that in truth I grieve for the man that I believed my father to be, and not the reality of what he actually is.

The difference between my story and yours @digger is that my father is still living with my mother. However bad I feel towards him, I also have the reassurance that he is safe, warm and dry etc. My compassion towards him as a human being is protected. I certainly felt differently when he was in jail - I worried about him even though I didn't want to.

I understand (I think) how you are feeling conflict. I fear being in the situation you describe, I cannot imagine the nightmare of finding out that a fellow human being died in the circumstances you describe whoever it is. Of course it was all a situation of his own making, but I don't suppose that makes you feel any better about it.[DOUBLEPOST=1399808916,1399808679][/DOUBLEPOST]

My memories were still repressed while my grandfather was alive. He died of old age.

I think - maybe I am wrong - that I would feel differently between my father and my grandfather. I never had a close relationship with either of my grand fathers. I don't think they liked children at all. The emotional conflict caused by the parental relationship is very different. Although I suppose for those who were actually brought up by grandparents they might disagree with me.

 

[The Albatross]

Putting the onus of your own thoughts and feelings on someone no longer living, is not helpful, though understandable for a time. After my own abusive father passed, some repressed thoughts and feelings were "safe" to think and emote, but they were not him, or his. They were mine, my own interpretation and internalized messaging that I got from him during childhood, youth and even womanhood.

His voice was the voice of my inner critic and I had to deal with my inner critic after he died.

"...it was the catalyst for the chaos that my head has been ever since. And that sucks because it still feels like he's winning." And later, "Instead he has ended up so much more in my life dead, than he ever was alive."

It is a good and solid observation to be aware that your father's passing is a catalyst for thoughts and feelings. The feeling like "he's winning" is a projection, basically you feel like you're not winning. Rationally, there is no impact a dead human can have on anybody, it is a perceptual side step to avoid owning it and coming to terms with your own thoughts and feelings.

I think I would self examine the last statement I quoted, "Instead he has ended up so much more in my life dead, than he ever was alive." I know for myself, the main voice of my inner critic was my father, however I would refute and question why or what I am avoiding ownership of my thoughts/feelings/perceptions. Awareness is the first step in initiating change. Can you find a generally beneficial way, strategy, plan of action that will improve or resolve this entirely?

My sincere condolences for you and your family's loss. It is sad and frightening at times to come to terms with someone's passing being undetected or noticed for a prolonged period.

 

[digger]

@The Albatross I'm not really understanding your post at the moment, but I will re-read it some more.

After my own abusive father passed, some repressed thoughts and feelings were "safe" to think and emote, but they were not him, or his.

Can you show me which bit of what I said makes you think this? I don't understand my thoughts being his thoughts:confused:

Rationally, there is no impact a dead human can have on anybody, it is a perceptual side step to avoid owning it and coming to terms with your own thoughts and feelings.

Perhaps not, but there can be an impact from their actions when they were alive that extends beyond their life.

The feeling like "he's winning" is a projection, basically you feel like you're not winning.

Note that I said it feels like he is winning.

I know for myself, the main voice of my inner critic was my father, however I would refute and question why or what I am avoiding ownership of my thoughts/feelings/perceptions.

The main voice of my inner critic comes more from my mother I think. Again I don't really understand what I'm saying that makes you think I'm not taking ownership of my thoughts and feelings?

Awareness is the first step in initiating change.

Agreed :)

Can you find a generally beneficial way, strategy, plan of action that will improve or resolve this entirely?

That'd be why I'm in therapy and here on this forum talking about this stuff and asking the questions. The answer at the moment is no.

My sincere condolences for you and your family's loss.

It bothers me when people say that, because what was there to lose that I should miss?

 

[digger]

I hadn't replied before because this thread scares me.

Thank you for replying in spite of this.

However I know that in truth I grieve for the man that I believed my father to be, and not the reality of what he actually is.

Some of it is that for me I think, but what scares me more is the times when I want(ed) my dad, not a dad. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not sure I can go into it more at the moment. Truth is this thread scares the shit out of me too!

I understand (I think) how you are feeling conflict. I fear being in the situation you describe, I cannot imagine the nightmare of finding out that a fellow human being died in the circumstances you describe whoever it is. Of course it was all a situation of his own making, but I don't suppose that makes you feel any better about it.

It doesn't make it better, no. I guess I feel like it should though. It's 'funny', I always kind of expected it to end something like it did. That it would be a stranger or the police to tell us he was dead. But I had no idea he was living like he was, and while I knew I probably wouldn't have noticed, I guess I didn't realise that no one would.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm having a bit of a rough day... one of those near to tears ones, so I'll have to come back later maybe tomorrow to see if I can retrace what I was thinking/reading. Just one of those things gal.

 

[GrokkingAmbivert]

To be honest, I do desire some sort of revenge towards my parents and others who abused me. In the deepest part of my heart though, I want them to just acknowledge what they did and how they damaged me in so many ways... then we could know each other and be at least a distant form of family. No matter how hard I wish they weren't, they are still my biological family.

I could never wish death upon them though. I have a feeling that will be the only judgment they will face for their actions towards me and continuing actions towards my younger brothers. I do believe in heaven and hell, so I just can't wish death upon anyone. Maybe my maternal grandmother though. Shes the epitome of evil in the most religious way. I honestly don't know if she has a soul. And I do blame her for how my mother has abused me. My father though is autistic... the kind of autistic that gets you to double major in medical school and who becomes a brain surgeon (so its not an excuse & he deals with PTSD/abused/traumatized patient's all the time, so he knows better).

I am scared that when they die, I will lose my mind and heart. I'll never get the "I love you," or "I made a mistake." It means that I'll for sure never know the feeling of having the people who brought me into this world... show me they care about me. I am so angry with them, but I am an above average forgiver (unless it involves hurting my younger brothers... one who is also autistic; then I would need to be held back). When I hear about ISIS members and what they've done to innocent people, I honestly pray for their souls first... then for who they have hurt/abducted. I just want hearts to be changed. It's unrealistic and I know I am living in Wonderland by thinking that.

I am a newly diagnosed CPTSDer, and therapy has only been going on for under 6 months. So maybe my mind will change on the matter, I am not sure. If I saw them again, or heard their voices I think I would either faint or run away. I am scared of them. But I miss having the idea that they love me. I miss thinking I could have my parents care one day.