Deb, my friend killed herself this morning.

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My friend Deb killed herself this morning. I have only known for an hour and a half.

I had said to B that the next time that we would see everyone would be at her funeral, when she cut off from everyone in order to have a retreat, so that she could "heal". It turns out that this is going to be true.

I have been feeling angry with her as I suspected what was coming. I could see the signs.

I did warn her husband but I was worried at saying too much to mutual friends.

I gave her heavy duty support for many months. I did not challenge her somatisation initially as she would have cut me off. But eventually I gently did and I got her to go and see a psychiatrist and to book in to go into a private place, but she never stayed with a psychiatrist, and she doctor shopped, and she changed all her medications around all the time. She insisted that she got all the side effects from the antidepressants, but it was all in her head. She kept consulting Dr Google and she kept reading side effects and she kept stopping taking the drugs she needed to do because she wanted to go the "natural way". She was skeletal towards the end. She definitely had some type of eating problem. I gave her books to read. I went out with her once per week to a Vegan restaurant. I supported her on Facebook via messenger.

I had been really angry as I knew she was never going to get better.

I knew she was never going to get better because she didn't stick with anyone and when a professional said something she didn't want to hear she would change to another professional. This will sound judgmental but she was making no real effort. She got stuck in an anxiety loop. I work my butt off every day, well most days, and last night I was upset about cutting my finger, and decided to give up on the day and go to bed early. We had a tough week with Papa Bear being in hospital at the end of the week. So we were really tired. His kidney function was 24% at one point, and we were talking about his end of life preferences with all the staff. It was emotionally draining as I kept having to have the conversation over and over with different staff members, because they were all really diligent, and wanted to hear from the family what his wishes were. They wanted to hear it from the source, and I respect that level of care and concern. But it was hard, and no matter how many times you tell someone that someone is deaf, if they haven't known deaf people they forget and ask questions of Papa Bear. Now I just want to go back to being upset over a cut finger. That was a better time.

My initial reaction was utter shock. I could feel the burning in my neck. I kept saying "No! No! No!" I should have done more! I should have done more! I should have done more!
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I am so sorry. It's so hard to lose someone that way. Feeling like you should have done more and feeling angry are natural reactions. There is so much hurt and emotion that goes on when someone commits suicide. It's clear you cared and you really did try. Unfortunately, you can't rescue everyone especially if they are resisting being rescued in meaningful ways.

Please be gentle with yourself during this time and reach out for support.
So sorry, @Living in the 70s

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I have a close friend on major suicide watch at the moment.

He's seeking treatment, but seeking less of it than he should be.

I'm scared to check my emails each day, in case I "get the news".

You did a LOT. Heaps. A lot.

Most importantly, you did not look the other way.

And you did not put it in the too-hard basket.

You reached out, again and again.

I hope she's in peace now.

Love and support to you in this difficult time.