December is my trigger

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brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I guess December has many bad memories. Its my birthday. My mother died in december, as did my nephew. Most of all, I was assaulted in my home, had a gun to my head, and was drug away by a cop the thought I was someone else. It was freezing and I was poorly dressed in the middle of the night. The lights remind me of this event, the music, the tree and all the decor. I suppose that is because I came home to all of that and had to try to figure out how to make it to Christmas. It was 11 yrs ago yesterday. Last yr is the first time symptoms were mild. I was so grateful. This year the symptoms are horrible, everything from nightmare to flashbacks and my husband is oblivious. I also dont want to burden others so I dont. I find myself dissociating much of the time. I have other trauma but maybe this is worse because it was a cop, or maybe its an accumulative effect. I dont know. Karma has come. He was discharged from the force because he did about the exact same thing to others. In the past, during december and even before, I have been in the freeze mode. Because of that, I avoid much contact with anyone. I just dont understand how symptoms can be so severe after all these years. I continue to have physical problems as a result of his assault even though I have had surgeries to correct (which did help). I have even forgiven him (think he is bi polar). Since this is the anniversary, I hoped the symptoms would stop, but I think its the whole thing(decor, trees, lights everywhere, expectations to make a nice Christmas) I couldn't do it then and overdosed on pain and anxiety meds. I dont have those so know I won't do that again. I just go between terror and checking out to the point I dont remember what I just did. I was so cold in that police car when he threatened me. I didn't know if the gun was loaded that he put to my head. It was 10 degrees and I had not clothing. He wanted to humiliate me and he did. I overdosed on pain and anxiety meds which didn't happen until close to new years. I put my daughter through so much....and feel guilty I couldn't hold it together for her. It just sucks and I guess I am venting, but I cant talk to anyone in my life. I know everyone thinks I should be over it. I have been progressing for years, but when this hits, I have not therapist due to cost. I hate this. The critic comes out in my and I cant stand myself.
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
Hey ((( @brat17 ))) Just to say it sounds perfectly understandable to me. It must be hard keeping all of that to yourself, I'm glad you reached out here.

Have you ever found anything that helps you in the past with this stuff?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry. December is really bad for me too. And it's such a hard connection to break because there are so many things associated with the season that can get connected to the trauma.

Do you know why this year is harder than last.Is there other stuff going on?
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks berlinda. I have not found anything specific. It seems that it got better over the years, especially past few because I won law suit and he was disciplined. Being involved in such lawsuit actually made life worse, to the point that I was kind of toxic. That is all over and I have my clear mind back, at least most of the time.

Muttly, I am sorry it is hard for you too. I never considered it before but neglect was obvious at Christmas growing up. I was ashamed to go back to school and admit that Santa never brought anything, because as a child I believed that everyone would no that if Santa didn't come, I must be bad. So when I left home at 17, I made a big deal of Christmas and set many traditions, which fell apart after this. There is not really anything going on that would make this year worse. Well, I am cutting some ties with toxic people and even though I am walking away, it could still effect me I suppose.

I have called it a lot of dissociation this month. However, I started thinking I have early Altzeimers or something. We have been watching a series and I swear I didn't see some episodes. I also, evidently, placed the same order twice on line. I swear I didn't but the store has a duplicate that really confused me, and they were on different dates and times. There are some other things like this that is a little scary.

Thank you for your responses. Just feeling confused.
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry your having a rough time Brat. The holidays are hard on a lot of people. Everyone wants to give their kids the best this season but the money is just not there. I've been donating a lot of stuff I don't use. It's nice stuff and not crap. Got the kids a few things I think they will enjoy. This season by nature, feels like a dark shroud, covering me, like it does every year.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Deanna I am sorry you are struggling. It is a hard time of year for everyone I think. My kids are grown and money not an issue as when they were little. Just remember that they will probably not remember the material things but will remember the memories with you.
 
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