I guess December has many bad memories. Its my birthday. My mother died in december, as did my nephew. Most of all, I was assaulted in my home, had a gun to my head, and was drug away by a cop the thought I was someone else. It was freezing and I was poorly dressed in the middle of the night. The lights remind me of this event, the music, the tree and all the decor. I suppose that is because I came home to all of that and had to try to figure out how to make it to Christmas. It was 11 yrs ago yesterday. Last yr is the first time symptoms were mild. I was so grateful. This year the symptoms are horrible, everything from nightmare to flashbacks and my husband is oblivious. I also dont want to burden others so I dont. I find myself dissociating much of the time. I have other trauma but maybe this is worse because it was a cop, or maybe its an accumulative effect. I dont know. Karma has come. He was discharged from the force because he did about the exact same thing to others. In the past, during december and even before, I have been in the freeze mode. Because of that, I avoid much contact with anyone. I just dont understand how symptoms can be so severe after all these years. I continue to have physical problems as a result of his assault even though I have had surgeries to correct (which did help). I have even forgiven him (think he is bi polar). Since this is the anniversary, I hoped the symptoms would stop, but I think its the whole thing(decor, trees, lights everywhere, expectations to make a nice Christmas) I couldn't do it then and overdosed on pain and anxiety meds. I dont have those so know I won't do that again. I just go between terror and checking out to the point I dont remember what I just did. I was so cold in that police car when he threatened me. I didn't know if the gun was loaded that he put to my head. It was 10 degrees and I had not clothing. He wanted to humiliate me and he did. I overdosed on pain and anxiety meds which didn't happen until close to new years. I put my daughter through so much....and feel guilty I couldn't hold it together for her. It just sucks and I guess I am venting, but I cant talk to anyone in my life. I know everyone thinks I should be over it. I have been progressing for years, but when this hits, I have not therapist due to cost. I hate this. The critic comes out in my and I cant stand myself.