Deep depression & lack of motivation to live

Tickbuckk

New Here
I don't know how to cope with feelings of intense loneliness anymore...

Anytime I look at my life I feel like such a failure. My child self dreamed of so much and I've achieved none of it. I wanted to be an artist, to make art of my stories and put it out there, I wanted to really cool prop-making stuff, I wanted to be super fashionable, do cool outfits and shoots....

But my current reality, I'm just poor and alone and am gaining more and more weight - I'm even getting acne and I'm almost 30. I'm barely getting by while my friends either earn a lot or are getting thousands of dollars from the govt. At 26 I don't have a partner despite desperately wanting one - I get extremely depressed seeing how happy everyone else is living their lives w/ their partners and having money to actually do things and/or accomplishing things in their lives while I'm in bed crying alone most days...

I struggle to see why I should take care of myself, eat, or try to accomplish anything bc my mental illness causes me to dissociate so badly. I had to really push myself to eat today despite my blood sugar dropping causing me headaches, weakness & body pains

Cant talk to my friends abt it - especially my intense loneliness with being single bc they wouldn't get it...they're too busy being happy in their lives to care or understand the pain I'm in.

I'm also tired of holding all this pain inside but I just don't know what to do or who to talk to...I don't have insurance anymore and my therapy had to end earlier this year. 😔

-- my current living environment is wholly triggering. my landlord told me that I need to 'shut up' and not complain about the unsanitary nature of the house and I am unable to move at the moment - its drastically increased my depression feeling trapped, voiceless and helpless just like how I felt back home with my parents..
 

Tickbuckk

New Here
Hey loneliness feels like it's trying to kill me.

We aren't alone here so I'm glad you posted. But like Friday is getting at.

You don't have to give up your whole life to these feelings. Here for you. Ill be thirty in two days.

Hugs.
Thanks so much - I'm glad I can at least find solace in that others share my feelings....misery loves company yknow? :)
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one feeling like this bc all my friends are partnered up and happy - I honestly developed a trigger surrounding seeing or even just hearing people talk abt their relationships. Basically it builds tension in me which - if I don't exit that situation by either shutting down or physically leaving - I'll end up curled up in a dark corner crying w/ emotional flashbacks and all. It's a painful and super inconvenient trigger that was intensified since my first and only relationship ended with an attempted ghosting (after 1 whole year no less). Never got closure on what happened exactly and I think that greatly contributes to the intensity of the trigger.

I had therapy but sadly it ran out this past month (i was on my Dad's insurance and I aged out of it - currently uninsured)
 

Tickbuckk

New Here
Are these still things that you want to do?
Yes, though it's been so long and I feel like my desire to do it keeps getting overridden by my anxious/depressive feelings. For example~ I've been feeling a desire to paint or try watercolors again. I get visions in my head of doing it and I feel excited. Once I sit down and think about digging out my supplies my brain either dissociates or always thinks of "better" uses of my time. (aka oh you better clean first or straight up or plan for that thing etc etc). Once I tune in I also hear very sad thoughts surrounding what I once loved like --> "drawing is worthless/a waste of time" -- "whats the point?" and also "why do stuff that makes you happy? it doesn't matter, it's all meaningless and no one cares abt what you create".

Though, just back in 2018 I used to draw ALL the time. Nothing ever was 'finished', just loads of fun sketches, designs, concepts that all made me so happy to get lost in my own worlds. Now, I draw maybe once in a blue moon and at times it feels overwhelming to put pencil to paper. Digital art helps me overcome my perfectionistic fears (sometimes) bc all mistakes are reversible but I don't glean a ton of joy from it. I think I love physical mediums more but I don't have money to buy supplies for the projects I want to do.

Honestly I feel like if I did art with friends present it'd help :)
but I hate being the one to ask/arrange for stuff all the time but i kinda have no choice haha

Oh man I'm sorry to hear all that @Tickbuckk . I found friends here. :) church has free counseling services, some are better than others if you do check them out.
Hey thanks so much. I'm hoping to do what I can to reach out more bc isolating obvi hasn't been helping me much at all.
I mean...I can try church counselling but as a pagan it might be awkward (or maybe a bit traumatizing if it's too laced w/ religion -- my mother would often negate my and everyone else's mental issues with "that's a bad spirit" or "stop it" or "just pray to Jesus" -- so I never really received much emotional support from either my parents esp in that religious context)

I can check what's in my area though....as of now I'm applying for my Medical Marijuana card bc THC helps mellow out my mood enough to function & lately my Delta-0 cart amplifies my symptoms rather than calms/distracts from it
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
church counselling but as a pagan
There are some churches that are broad spectrum, like Unity, some Methodist, and some progressive Jewish organizations. They would have people, rabbis, pastors, who are used to an ecumenical approach—which is the philosophy that all rivers lead to the sea, you can’t divide God, each person’s interpretation is valid.

I’m pagan and my T is pagan. I am grateful for that connection. The more you are willing to talk about your beliefs with counselors the easier you can discern who is with you.
think I love physical mediums more but I don't have money to buy supplies for the projects I want to do.
That’s neat you are drawn to the physical mediums—I can relate. You don’t have to pay money for art—you can just arrange things in your environment—that’s creativity, which is art. And you can draw with mud, blood, food. You can make clay from paper and water and flour or glue. When you give yourself permission, art is available all the time.
Once I tune in I also hear very sad thoughts
You can do it anyway, despite the discomfort. Pushing past or incorporating the sadness is possible.
 

daaysh

New Here
I don't know how to cope with feelings of intense loneliness anymore...

Anytime I look at my life I feel like such a failure. My child self dreamed of so much and I've achieved none of it. I wanted to be an artist, to make art of my stories and put it out there, I wanted to really cool prop-making stuff, I wanted to be super fashionable, do cool outfits and shoots....

But my current reality, I'm just poor and alone and am gaining more and more weight - I'm even getting acne and I'm almost 30. I'm barely getting by while my friends either earn a lot or are getting thousands of dollars from the govt. At 26 I don't have a partner despite desperately wanting one - I get extremely depressed seeing how happy everyone else is living their lives w/ their partners and having money to actually do things and/or accomplishing things in their lives while I'm in bed crying alone most days...

I struggle to see why I should take care of myself, eat, or try to accomplish anything bc my mental illness causes me to dissociate so badly. I had to really push myself to eat today despite my blood sugar dropping causing me headaches, weakness & body pains

Cant talk to my friends abt it - especially my intense loneliness with being single bc they wouldn't get it...they're too busy being happy in their lives to care or understand the pain I'm in.

I'm also tired of holding all this pain inside but I just don't know what to do or who to talk to...I don't have insurance anymore and my therapy had to end earlier this year. 😔

-- my current living environment is wholly triggering. my landlord told me that I need to 'shut up' and not complain about the unsanitary nature of the house and I am unable to move at the moment - its drastically increased my depression feeling trapped, voiceless and helpless just like how I felt back home with my parents..
Hi, I am new here as well. I am sorry that you are going through these things. It pains me because I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I have an idealistic picture of what my life is supposed to look like and I am utterly disappointed in myself for not reaching any of my goals or being "behind" my peers my age.

Although I do have a partner I feel extreme loneliness and depression. I am almost 26 and It seems like my feelings of inadequacy are increasing the closer I am to my birthday and to the age of 30.

I noticed you mentioned that your friends are happy with partners and you do not have one. Are you looking for something in a close relationship that you feel you can not get through close friendship?
 
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