Whirlwind
MyPTSD Pro
I was asked how long has it been since I was married (years), do I plan to date (no) but "would I like to have a committed partner in my life" (theoretically yes).
The person is a widow and her questions were meant very kindly. She laughed and reminded me I need to do the former to get to the latter. She's a lovely person and thinks I am a "catch" and I "deserve" a nice person in my life. It took me by surprise to hear myself described like that.
The word "deserve" really stuck with me and unexpectedly the conversation has bothered me.
I recognize my own distortion in that my DV marriage cemented a core belief that I do not "deserve" or will be "allowed" to have a life partner that is honest, kind, supportive etc. I did have non-DV relationships but there was an imbalance and cheating on their end so dishonestly was a theme.
I've also gotten complimentary feedback lately that I am "strong".
I suppose I appear strong but the reality is I just never had an alternative. Strong = requirement. If I "don't" then it "doesn't get done" in my world. It is always on me so I automatically just "do". My perceived strength is mere necessity/reflex.
Sure it is tiring and it would be nice to share the load in life, buoy struggles with trust and laughter. I can't even imagine. An intimate partner that doesn't have ulterior motive, plan to take advantage, lies etc? HUH? :-)
I've come a long way and I want to undue as much old programming as I can. Her comment that "I deserve" stuck with me, thus implying I am worthy.
It hit me, am I creating a self fulfilling prophecy? As a partner I've had positive feedback at least from what I know. I do very well alone and and assume it to be my forever future. That acceptance doesn't scare me anymore for which I am grateful. But is it my preference? No, I just assumed it to be my lot in life and especially after more than enough marital DV.
When something like this hits me these days I commit to trying to address the underlying belief. I this case it occurred to me....am I (still) punishing myself?
I say "still" as a child there was a lot of "women=bad/sin" and a thick slather of we were defective/undeserving/abnormal. I have shed most of that old garbage but something makes me think I've got some more clearing to do.
Thanks for hanging in there and listening.
Take care,
Whirlwind
The person is a widow and her questions were meant very kindly. She laughed and reminded me I need to do the former to get to the latter. She's a lovely person and thinks I am a "catch" and I "deserve" a nice person in my life. It took me by surprise to hear myself described like that.
The word "deserve" really stuck with me and unexpectedly the conversation has bothered me.
I recognize my own distortion in that my DV marriage cemented a core belief that I do not "deserve" or will be "allowed" to have a life partner that is honest, kind, supportive etc. I did have non-DV relationships but there was an imbalance and cheating on their end so dishonestly was a theme.
I've also gotten complimentary feedback lately that I am "strong".
I suppose I appear strong but the reality is I just never had an alternative. Strong = requirement. If I "don't" then it "doesn't get done" in my world. It is always on me so I automatically just "do". My perceived strength is mere necessity/reflex.
Sure it is tiring and it would be nice to share the load in life, buoy struggles with trust and laughter. I can't even imagine. An intimate partner that doesn't have ulterior motive, plan to take advantage, lies etc? HUH? :-)
I've come a long way and I want to undue as much old programming as I can. Her comment that "I deserve" stuck with me, thus implying I am worthy.
It hit me, am I creating a self fulfilling prophecy? As a partner I've had positive feedback at least from what I know. I do very well alone and and assume it to be my forever future. That acceptance doesn't scare me anymore for which I am grateful. But is it my preference? No, I just assumed it to be my lot in life and especially after more than enough marital DV.
When something like this hits me these days I commit to trying to address the underlying belief. I this case it occurred to me....am I (still) punishing myself?
I say "still" as a child there was a lot of "women=bad/sin" and a thick slather of we were defective/undeserving/abnormal. I have shed most of that old garbage but something makes me think I've got some more clearing to do.
Thanks for hanging in there and listening.
Take care,
Whirlwind