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Deeper Acceptance and Understanding - I've Had PTSD All Along

Discussion in 'General' started by goingonhope, Jan 30, 2007.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    In a bit of a daze right now. Feeling somewhat shocked by a clinical summary I found dated back 1993, just about 14 yrs. ago. It reads:
    Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Alcohol Dependence (in remission)
    Stressor: .....of chronic severe abuse and neglect; self-destructive coping patterns
    Severeity: 5 - Extreme
    ....code and other sh't I don't understand
    Gen. Beh: Calm, compliant, shy
    Cog. Beh: Seems normal but gets overwhelmed by affect. Describes frequent episodes of disassociating and feeling like a child.
    Affect: Appropriate, is able to cry when talking about painful material.
    Judgement: Muddled by her addictive process, reports thinking about drinking when she knows she shouldn't. Is able to override these thoughts.
    Assessment: This 26 yo woman suffers from a myriad of mental and emotional difficulties, relating directly to a childhood in which she was severely neglected and abused. She has to date been unable to halt her own self-destructive process long enough to heal from the abuse/neglect. She is quite motivated to recover, and shows great capacity to examine self and past carefully, and to heal emotionally. This client is very likable.

    Didn't even know I was diagnosed with this back then. Or did I? Who knows, my memory is mostly very clear fragments, all scattered about at times. At other times I've felt completely immersed in the present and am still in disbelief that I really have this f'n thing.

    I started a thread on this forum once listing all my different attempts at finding help for whatever it was so seriously wrong with me. I didn't know. I stopped it out of pure exhaustion and fragmented memories while still leaving out a lengthy list of many attempts of trying to seek help.

    Why the fk did I feel like I had to do every minute of my life alone. I mean utterly and completely f'n alone. I use to think that this lonliness and despair in itself would kill me. Gritting my teeth, I am feeling such strong feelings of anger right now towards every member of my childhood family, includ. extended with one exception. One sister.
    She exists in a horrible state of mind. I can't even go there tonight without the desire to smash this f'n compter monitor.

    I miss her so much. Oh' god how it hurts me right now, how much I miss her. And, it's all just a damn' memory, ....the love and missing her, bc quite frankly she's not at all the same person.

    All I know is that I have two children that I love, and though I tried damn' hard yet, I have not been the best parent. I'm a perfectionist, my God, imagine being a perfectionist and being me. LOL. This is all being said through many tears. Thank God, for tears. I'm not alone anymore. I'm just not. I'm not living in a household where nearly everyone would just as soon me drop dead on the face of this earth. 3 part. ones which come to mind at the moment, they hated me so deeply. I don't even know WTF happened. The feelings of hatred penetrating through the very air we breathed felt brutal enough to sicken and kill....even without the intimid., threats and violence. And the whole serious of pychol. f'n head games, played for sport.

    I don't know why specifically this is all coming out. I'm such into control', afraid to let anything out without my permission. Wanna' just sensor every word from my mouth at times, ...can let this out, not that...can't share this now...God forbid I feel or share this, as what will happen to me....and on and on, until my head is whirling and life no longer looks good. The control thing is all bullcr'p. Truth is I lost, regained, and lost control over much years ago...the area's of lack of control that kick my ass the most are when I can't think, I can't remember, I'm afraid of the silliest of things, or I can't eat, sleep, pee, decide for myself, love, or even be in my own skin.

    Not to turn this into a vent, but apparently I may have. Will end by stating and remembering what's been told me right here on the forum.

    LIFE ? or DEATH ? ...... LIFE ? or DEATH?

    ....pehaps triggered by some dumb movie I watched this evening, intend to just let this go and move on....hopefully sleep.....and start a new day tommorrow.
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Hope just know we are here and vent all you need. You are holding on so hard, just keep letting it out.
  4. willing

    willing Active Member

    I totally relate.
  5. ranger2_75

    ranger2_75 Active Member

    Your Fight has Begun


    Hope is such a powerful thing and so fitting right now. It is what has kept all of us going at some point or another. Whether sufferer, spouse or other concerned loved one of the sufferer. How befitting. Hold on to that name it will deliver to you power, if you allow it to. You talk of the need to control, that is something that we all share, a driving force within every sufferer of this horrid thing. We have this need out of an instinct for survival. How fitting then when we look at the very confusion brought on by the very reason for our suffering(PTSD) that we find that we need to let go of that overwelming desire for control in order to heal, which in turn creates more confusion. We find that we question how it could be right to let go of what has kept us going, and even alive. Ah, our old friend PTSD raring its' ugly head, creating the confusion that we must find a way to over come.

    I thought that when I got out of the Army that my time of fighting had ended. I tell you honestly, that I had to learn to fight a completley new way, a way foreigne to many soldiers. This is not a fight of lives lost or wounded, this is a fight of lives saved and reborn. I am not speaking spiritualy, though for many that is one tool in their personal arsenal. This is a fight that only the individual can fight and only the individual can win. We can seek help to comfort and heal the emotional wounds that come with such a battle, therapists, psycologists, psychyatrists, and may be the most important, loved ones are there to help.

    Hope, whether you can see it or not there are people here that you can consider friends(loved ones). We will be here to help comfort and heal the hurt, but you must fight. You must find a way to let go of the control enough to get out what is causing your pain and anguish. So for the fight that you have begun I hold hope and support for you. We are here to pick you up when you fall and brush you off. And then yes, we hopefully will have the strength to send you back in for more.

    Hold on to your name, and fight to find that inner peace that you so desperatly need, and deserve.

    You have started your fight, I and others will champion your cause.:claps:

    With great HOPE,

    goingonhope likes this.
  6. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member


    I know how scary it is when you've worked so hard to control everything (and sometimes everyone) in your life to let go of that control without grabbing it back like a life line because...it's what you know. Just remember that letting go of the control (and all of the crap that goes along with it) is hard, but necessary for healing.

    I say this to you, but I'm also saying it to myself.

    *hugs* Keep fighting, sweetie.
  7. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to the perfectionist bit... I think this trait of ours can make healing extra tough bc we don't allow ourselves ____ (fill in the many blanks with what we really need to nourish ourselves, to heal, to become more whole). We are so tough on ourselves as sufferers to begin with. I think I will add 'perfection' to my "poison list." I used to say to myself and my students that I was a perfectionist in recovery. Well, at the time I was working hard to believe it/live it (I don't know where I am with that at this point). Fck the saying practice makes perfect. Practice makes human beings!

    It's fustrating to realize that we can be/often are our worst enemy. I became, and in many ways still am, my most cruel abuser (psychologically). While my experiences are in the past, I keep punishing myself for things that weren't my fault, putting the same damn coin my own tin cup that has no bottom... always getting the same result: feeling empty and defeated.

    Many of us thought the alone-ness would kill us, but we're still here. And so are you. You keep on keepin on.

  8. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member


    Under a little pressure right now to make sure I respond now and not postpone another day. Words can't speak the gratitude I feel and need to express to all of you for your input and great support.

    I get on 'overwhelm' a lot and though I do my best, I regularly fall short in communicating what I think and feel, and relating bc I get so darn' stuck at times in the doing required in life.

    It was from my son's first appearance of possible symptoms of sensory disorder that I somewhat educated myself on sen. dis. and determined that I had this bc to much stimulus of many sorts overwhelms the sh't out of me at times and I simply am, for the time being at least, very slow at absorbing, understanding, response and focus. Turns out for me it's all my PTSD. Please understand that even 8 days later I no less appreciate every word and the support you'all have given me on this. Off and on, I've felt guilty though bc I've felt unable to say so sooner.

    I quoted what you wrote ranger, bc I love the part about, "this is a fight about lives saved and reborn." So, so true and such healing words for me. And, the idea of having a personal arsenal of tools, Yes! ....I love this concept and reality for me and everyone one of us as we personally fight our most challenging battle. And the idea of being sent back in for more sounds great to me, as twisted as this may sound to some, my attitude and perspective is presently changing into an anticipation, as the truth be known, I sincerely fought and sought to heal my illness's and trauma beginning way back when I was 18yrs. of age, and it just wasn't in the cards for me. And the hell of being on a solo course, very much willing, seeking resource and help, and finding little to none or coming up re-traumatized as the results of my efforts was most excruciating.

    And, now there's anticipation for me bc there is, and I am now aware of, accurate knowledge, information, peer support and resource in this world for the PTSD sufferer.

    And, just the two words 'can win', I'm beginning to feel the hope of these words in my spirit, and oh' what a relief, far better than any lame ass' relief from a drink that just turned and quit doing the trick, and at times had the power to yank out' hopelessness from it's depths, and to complicate the fk out of my life.

    Nov, I feeled in the blank with humanity...my humaness ...I never did want to accept mine as with it comes pain and I believed I had more than my fair share of it, and didn't know what on earth to do with anymore. I certainly relate to being my own worst enemy. My mother once told me that, but from her mouth, so much was all so bogus'. And, nov, I like your strategy of creating a posion list, I hope you won't mind if I borrow the idea.

    Thanks for the hugs Marlene and you hang in there and **take my hugs back with you**:kiss:

    Both veiled and willing, keep up your inspiration, and your personal struggle, as apparently it's all worth it, with great reward and I believe each of you may already know this. I'm just now discovering this.
  9. ranger2_75

    ranger2_75 Active Member


    You have no idea how good it feels to read something that you wrote that is so posative. I almost cryed as I read this.
    It sounds as though you have already beat a few of the obstacles on your course. Good job! Unfortunately there are lows in your future, BUT it seems that you know that you have a support team to help. I see a wounderful change comming about.
    goingonhope likes this.
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    Oh' my, I'm so, so glad I found this thread tonight. I am struggling with coping and juggling so much. I'm really not a heartless prick, and I don't think it's a requirement in order to have Ptsd.


    Re-reading this tonight has brought me to tears.

    Ranger2, nearly 2yrs. later, I can still very much re-feel the gratitude in my heart towards you for such love and kindness expressed in your words, and words of wisdom when I so much needed this. Thank you, again for sharing truth and freeing tears!

  11. cragger65

    cragger65 I'm a VIP

    Man, this was an amazing thread to read, Hope!!! You give me hope that things really do change. Thank you.
  12. Jestadud

    Jestadud Well-Known Member Premium Member


    Thank you for bringing this thread back it's very close to something I've been thinking about.
    In fact I thought it was a new thread and wanted to reply, but having read it I don't want to spoil it.

    So pleased for the improvement there appears in you and what a nice incentive to everybody to offer comfort or support when they see you still appreciate yours two year's later.

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