goingonhope
MyPTSD Pro
In a bit of a daze right now. Feeling somewhat shocked by a clinical summary I found dated back 1993, just about 14 yrs. ago. It reads:
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Alcohol Dependence (in remission)
Stressor: .....of chronic severe abuse and neglect; self-destructive coping patterns
Severeity: 5 - Extreme
....code and other sh't I don't understand
Gen. Beh: Calm, compliant, shy
Cog. Beh: Seems normal but gets overwhelmed by affect. Describes frequent episodes of disassociating and feeling like a child.
Affect: Appropriate, is able to cry when talking about painful material.
Judgement: Muddled by her addictive process, reports thinking about drinking when she knows she shouldn't. Is able to override these thoughts.
Assessment: This 26 yo woman suffers from a myriad of mental and emotional difficulties, relating directly to a childhood in which she was severely neglected and abused. She has to date been unable to halt her own self-destructive process long enough to heal from the abuse/neglect. She is quite motivated to recover, and shows great capacity to examine self and past carefully, and to heal emotionally. This client is very likable.
Didn't even know I was diagnosed with this back then. Or did I? Who knows, my memory is mostly very clear fragments, all scattered about at times. At other times I've felt completely immersed in the present and am still in disbelief that I really have this f'n thing.
I started a thread on this forum once listing all my different attempts at finding help for whatever it was so seriously wrong with me. I didn't know. I stopped it out of pure exhaustion and fragmented memories while still leaving out a lengthy list of many attempts of trying to seek help.
Why the fk did I feel like I had to do every minute of my life alone. I mean utterly and completely f'n alone. I use to think that this lonliness and despair in itself would kill me. Gritting my teeth, I am feeling such strong feelings of anger right now towards every member of my childhood family, includ. extended with one exception. One sister.
She exists in a horrible state of mind. I can't even go there tonight without the desire to smash this f'n compter monitor.
I miss her so much. Oh' god how it hurts me right now, how much I miss her. And, it's all just a damn' memory, ....the love and missing her, bc quite frankly she's not at all the same person.
All I know is that I have two children that I love, and though I tried damn' hard yet, I have not been the best parent. I'm a perfectionist, my God, imagine being a perfectionist and being me. LOL. This is all being said through many tears. Thank God, for tears. I'm not alone anymore. I'm just not. I'm not living in a household where nearly everyone would just as soon me drop dead on the face of this earth. 3 part. ones which come to mind at the moment, they hated me so deeply. I don't even know WTF happened. The feelings of hatred penetrating through the very air we breathed felt brutal enough to sicken and kill....even without the intimid., threats and violence. And the whole serious of pychol. f'n head games, played for sport.
I don't know why specifically this is all coming out. I'm such into control', afraid to let anything out without my permission. Wanna' just sensor every word from my mouth at times, ...can let this out, not that...can't share this now...God forbid I feel or share this, as what will happen to me....and on and on, until my head is whirling and life no longer looks good. The control thing is all bullcr'p. Truth is I lost, regained, and lost control over much years ago...the area's of lack of control that kick my ass the most are when I can't think, I can't remember, I'm afraid of the silliest of things, or I can't eat, sleep, pee, decide for myself, love, or even be in my own skin.
Not to turn this into a vent, but apparently I may have. Will end by stating and remembering what's been told me right here on the forum.
LIFE ? or DEATH ? ...... LIFE ? or DEATH?
....pehaps triggered by some dumb movie I watched this evening, intend to just let this go and move on....hopefully sleep.....and start a new day tommorrow.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Alcohol Dependence (in remission)
Stressor: .....of chronic severe abuse and neglect; self-destructive coping patterns
Severeity: 5 - Extreme
....code and other sh't I don't understand
Gen. Beh: Calm, compliant, shy
Cog. Beh: Seems normal but gets overwhelmed by affect. Describes frequent episodes of disassociating and feeling like a child.
Affect: Appropriate, is able to cry when talking about painful material.
Judgement: Muddled by her addictive process, reports thinking about drinking when she knows she shouldn't. Is able to override these thoughts.
Assessment: This 26 yo woman suffers from a myriad of mental and emotional difficulties, relating directly to a childhood in which she was severely neglected and abused. She has to date been unable to halt her own self-destructive process long enough to heal from the abuse/neglect. She is quite motivated to recover, and shows great capacity to examine self and past carefully, and to heal emotionally. This client is very likable.
Didn't even know I was diagnosed with this back then. Or did I? Who knows, my memory is mostly very clear fragments, all scattered about at times. At other times I've felt completely immersed in the present and am still in disbelief that I really have this f'n thing.
I started a thread on this forum once listing all my different attempts at finding help for whatever it was so seriously wrong with me. I didn't know. I stopped it out of pure exhaustion and fragmented memories while still leaving out a lengthy list of many attempts of trying to seek help.
Why the fk did I feel like I had to do every minute of my life alone. I mean utterly and completely f'n alone. I use to think that this lonliness and despair in itself would kill me. Gritting my teeth, I am feeling such strong feelings of anger right now towards every member of my childhood family, includ. extended with one exception. One sister.
She exists in a horrible state of mind. I can't even go there tonight without the desire to smash this f'n compter monitor.
I miss her so much. Oh' god how it hurts me right now, how much I miss her. And, it's all just a damn' memory, ....the love and missing her, bc quite frankly she's not at all the same person.
All I know is that I have two children that I love, and though I tried damn' hard yet, I have not been the best parent. I'm a perfectionist, my God, imagine being a perfectionist and being me. LOL. This is all being said through many tears. Thank God, for tears. I'm not alone anymore. I'm just not. I'm not living in a household where nearly everyone would just as soon me drop dead on the face of this earth. 3 part. ones which come to mind at the moment, they hated me so deeply. I don't even know WTF happened. The feelings of hatred penetrating through the very air we breathed felt brutal enough to sicken and kill....even without the intimid., threats and violence. And the whole serious of pychol. f'n head games, played for sport.
I don't know why specifically this is all coming out. I'm such into control', afraid to let anything out without my permission. Wanna' just sensor every word from my mouth at times, ...can let this out, not that...can't share this now...God forbid I feel or share this, as what will happen to me....and on and on, until my head is whirling and life no longer looks good. The control thing is all bullcr'p. Truth is I lost, regained, and lost control over much years ago...the area's of lack of control that kick my ass the most are when I can't think, I can't remember, I'm afraid of the silliest of things, or I can't eat, sleep, pee, decide for myself, love, or even be in my own skin.
Not to turn this into a vent, but apparently I may have. Will end by stating and remembering what's been told me right here on the forum.
LIFE ? or DEATH ? ...... LIFE ? or DEATH?
....pehaps triggered by some dumb movie I watched this evening, intend to just let this go and move on....hopefully sleep.....and start a new day tommorrow.