Sufferer Demons Vs Shadows

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Hi All, Just found this Forum by chance, I worked in Psychiatric for few years unfourtunatley no everyone is cut out for it, having not been trained to deal with what was expected of me and the ward becoming high accute care for a period of time things started to take its toll.

Also having a really great long term memory and being empathetic didnt help either, so kind broke me.
Having worked that industry it was hard as we were bound by confidentiality agreements so had no one else to talk to but collegues whom pretty much didnt give a shit about anyone but them selfs and most looked upon the patients as scum instead of the people that they were. You become isolative and break away from most friends and family and in my case started to over analyze quite a lot.

My partner is one of those " its in your head" people so never stopped to listen as she has her own things going on so tried to write how i felt but still has yet to read it , she claims the paragraph she read was too much and says " it will make her upset, that she cant help me " in short basically saying if she doesnt know it wont bother her.

From reading a few of the posts here i see many have the same issues so i dont feel so alone now. the simplest way i could describe it is with what i wrote and would like to share it here.
I was sitting in a park looking for solidarity and calmness overlooking the lake at the time.

Demons Vs Shadows

The breeze is slight and water still, patchy clouds hover gently in the sky, the soothing ambience of bird whistling to one another, butterflies fluttering by,this is the surroundings yet the emotions and feelings that dwell beneath and deep within do not harness this nor sway the underlying fear and overwhelming anxiety that has become me.

One should not be classified by ones illnesses or diagnosis yet what else is there? we are what we are, we become that which we are made to be, these demons of mine that held me tight and claimed me as their own when none other did so have taken hold, the struggle within, the fight between what was and what now is is constant like an age old battle between good and evil.

My conscience acting as the referee using rationality and reason to weigh up each sides decision to act out its part in the next move, the shadow of my former self see’s , no, it hopes to see that shining light at the end of the tunnel that ends the darkness yet the demon that has taken hold continually closes the door in this twisted and distorted labyrinth of my mind.

For those who are close to me, which are few , wether by choice or lack of desire to understand my transformation , they feel sympathy to a degree , yet this is not what i require nor desire, most have their own mental burdens and demons and care not for the woes of others such issues and for that i hold no blame nor ill will towards them, it is human nature to fear that which we do not understand, we shun those who differ to us and do all that we can to ensure our own survival both physically and mentally. For this reason alone i bear such burden and close the doors to all, attempts in the past have hurt as much as the suffering i bear, the looks of bewilderment and confusion, the struggle of trying to comprehend and interpret the emotions and explanation of what is now current, the quivering of their lips unable to release the words of support my demons require to be subdued and feel some release , so I put the mask back on and throw my shadowed cloak around my shoulders and continue to fight deep within.

This is not one of those “i was born... blah blah” stories, we all start out somewhere and have the good and the bad moments throughout life, and yes, these moments define us, build character, sway our way of thinking and the guidance to the paths and decisions we take and make in life, and in a lot of ways the majority of my history both good and bad is what has kept me grounded til now, but for how much longer?.

There was a time when “every negative has its positive” way of thinking ruled my life, no matter how bad it was i always found the humorous side to it and found a positive aspect to my downfall, “like water off a ducks back” as they say i was able to mentally release it, let it go like an imaginary waterfall pouring out of my mind, so what changed? where did it all go wrong? when did the release valve cease to release?

My demons call me, they taunt me, haunt my sleep, memories of past events, memories of other’s traumatic memories of events, their pain and suffering, their struggles these all haunt me relentlessly, my long term memory is bordering slightly on the edges of photogenic to a degree so these memories so vivid and clear as if it were yesterday, still burn within the core of my mind which feed images, sounds, smells, triggered at random like a wild nervous sniper shot at any given moment throughout my daily activities and as equally frequent throughout my night before or during my attempt at slumber.

It could be a simple smell of the night air which takes me back to a evening or night shift on the ward when an event happened or one of my beloved children yelling at their sibling or even just a squeal of excitement from them to set me off into a whirlwind internal anxiety explosion which sets of the “emergency checklist” within, which then forces me to run a mental audit on the situation, do i run? do i fight? what do i need to do? is it real or are my demons taking hold?, all of which drains

me mentally and physically, for lack of sleep prevents physical recharge and the human body can only take so much pressure before crashing, the aches and pains my body endures from this at times is quite unbearable to the point i will often break down in tears, most times at night when no one is around and i am all alone but quite often when i am out in public, i find myself at parks and other quiet locations where i can sit in silence without being disturbed , away from prying eyes all of whom judge and label such actions, behind these dark sun glasses hide tired weary eyes red and sore from tears of pain.

Nights are what i fear the most, the loneliness i have become used to, the solidarity my demon has embraced and welcomed, yet the shadow of my former self yearns for companionship, the loving and caring arms wrapped around me, a soft gently hand sitting on my knee or resting upon my forearm whilst sitting together, yet more often than not i sit in a garage or on the lounge in silence sometimes in the dark whilst sometimes simply scrolling through the tv through the vast movie collection for an hour or two just scrolling up and down through the selections without a decision to be made, In the silence of which the curse of age that has presented deafness gives some release to a degree, the ringing that i get offers some meditation like a gentle hum, can sometimes soothe and bring me to the still agitated but closest mood to relaxation.

Like a lottery, there is a slim to none chance that i will find this mood which allows me to settle to sleep swiftly, from the time to sitting or laying down, most times it takes me between 1-3 hours to reach the stage of feeling safe and secure enough for sleepiness to kick in, exhaustion is there already, yet fear and anxiety and cautiousness out rank and take charge, it is once this happens that my demons like to party hard.

Here is where my curse of long term memory also joins the party, these memories come back during what could be as close as possible to sleep as you would call it, and cause chaos and havoc.

During this slumber, my nightmares are so vivid and real that i no longer recognise what is real or fantasy, not only do i dream of what has been or what was, i see current events and non existent events so real, violent, heartbreaking, I act out during these moments and find my self awake in other rooms, talking myself away, find my self outside, leaving doors open, cupboards open, security doors unlocked and open, Items moved around the house, I wake angry, terrified, upset, heartbroken, alone. The physical struggle that i have during the nights, the tossing and turning, the fight for survival, swinging, punching, kicking through the night all drain me further and in turn also wake in agony and pain.

Exhaustion during the day takes its toll and find myself weakened by events, standing up with weak wobbly legs , sometimes giving way and collapsing, i find myself exhausted to the point where i will be sitting and sometimes even talking to someone and find myself going off into a sudden nod and like a narcoleptic suddenly pass out for a few moments at a time then waking in a heartbeat full of energy like a cheetah on the hunt, a mini power nap that recharges my mind and body instantly for a whole day ahead. I feel my eyes blur and go crossed or move waywardly, my head go heavy and “bam” out for half a minute or two and back to full speed, this has been for a couple of years now and even though it is for half a minute or two, at times it is enough to make my mind feel like i had a long sleep whilst even throwing in a nasty nightmare or two and waking in fear and startled.

They say “time heals all wounds”, those who don't care or understand nor want to get involved say “its in your head” or “get over it, its the past, move forward”, Yes it is in “my head” it burns deep inside my brain like a fresh hot poker being driven in, Getting over it would be great, i have tried, i continually tell myself each morning, “its a new day” and also forever telling both my demon that whats not real and attempting to convince my former self that brighter things will come in time.

Yet as try as i might i cannot help nor control the emotions or anxiety i feel nor can i control the desire to make it all stop, constant suffering mentally and physically, continually forcing a smile and

forced to say nothings wrong to certain people in fear that i will upset them or bring them down, i was trained to be professional, to hide the judgement and personal feelings to keep everything professional and equal, so therefore this is what i do, I smile and respond “ Im good thanks” when in fact my demon wants to say “ i wish i was dead”.

I need purpose, i need a sense of belonging, to fit in, all of which i no longer have nor feel that i will have any time soon, all i feel is hopeless and loneliness, exhaustion, worthless. From time to time one of the children do something sweet and make me feel a little better and loved and wanted and for a brief moment i feel a little positive but within half hour or less its back to square one.

For now each day is like Russian Roulette, i wake and life is a semi loaded revolver with a round in the chamber i open my eyes an the chamber spins .... “click” another empty round.. but slowly with each rising sun that round feels like its getting closer to the barrel, until now my conscience has been strong enough to talk with reason and rationalise with my demons and overpowered all distracted thoughts and suggestions but is beginning to lose the debate and from random thoughts there have become moments where physically actions began to take place but conscience stepped in before anything took fruition, But for how much longer?

Rationality steps in and weighs up both sides of the argument, Pros vs Cons of situation and 9 times out of 10 the pro’s outweigh the cons and conscience and rationale have overcome this by removing said pro’s from the equation, so many subtractions have been made to minimise the pro’s and on the sliding scale it has dwindled the list quite dramatically, however realistically what remains of the Pro’s which in most cases still outweigh, it is virtually impossible to remove many more, so therefore it remains now back to my Demons and Shadows fighting to be the last one standing and dominating my conscience and rationality.

Recollection, reminiscing, times when the Demons almost won...

Sitting in a daze of staring into the crashing waves in the distance at night in a quite cemetery nothing but racing destructive thoughts and suffering, i reached into my glove box looking for a working lighter as my zippo had ran dry i found my cut throat razor, i had put it in there whilst moving house and forgot about it, when i touched it, everything went silent and peaceful, i held it in my palm and it felt natural like it was meant to be there, i felt peace, i felt relaxed, i opened it up and stared at the blade for what seemed like hours but were mere seconds and raised it to my throat and pressed it into my skin, i held it there ready to slide it across and swipe away my misery at the same time, i was crying at the thought of being free and being with loved ones long gone, but i had a moment and decided my wrist would be better so pressed the blade into my wrist, I applied pressure and started to slide but then rationality stepped in and made me thought of the poor worker that would find me, drained and bloodied in my car , their job is to clean the place, maintain the grounds for the already dead and buried, not to come to work to see fresh corpse, a life ended violent and alone, he or she would be traumatised by my doing, i in turn would potentially be responsible for creating another me in their form as it had happened with the patients creating me in the first place, it would be a vicious and violent circle being put into motion again.

The same situation with my Motorcycle, my passion for which i had lost the desire to partake with for a number of times i also attempted to throw my self off of which, however rationality kicks in and fear of being the cause of harm to wards some one else as an innocent bystander, what if i successfully downed my bike yet i landed with only bruises or scrapes but the bike flips into a car and kills a family or a young child, i could never live with that guilt further more even if i successfully took my life from my own actions i couldn't do so by endangering innocent people.

Throughout the last few years, i have been prescribed and given a whole array of strong and sedative medications as well as a lot of mild , all of which had no effect to aid me in a sedating way, however combined and in large quantities , well... the thought had been there to mix and inject however again rationality steps in and tells me “what if you fail and become a vegetable” then i become a further burden on people, not only making my life worse but theirs worse too, also from

research i have discovered that it is not always pleasant to witness the end result and again i would not want to hurt my family whom would bear witness by discovering me.

To date i have successfully overpowered my demons however...

My Fear is that the light wont shine bright enough to subdue the demons in time, that rationality evacuates along side my conscience and hope and leaves nothing but despair and destruction.

Flashback, so how did i become this thing? what lead to my undoing? This is the question that is easily answered yet difficult to discuss at times, the better question which has yet to be answered is how can this be reverted? , the honest truth is .. we don't know, not from without trying various methods of medications and treatment , we just have yet to find the right combination that fits.


Perhaps your partner is being realistic to say she can't help you, and that her distress will simply add to your burden. Where else are you going for support?
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