Depression wave (self isolation, curfew etc)

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I'm having a really hard time with the whole staying at home thing. Some days are okay, some days I get so strong waves of anxiety or depression that even doing the stuff I am allowed to or able to at home, I can't do. Like, we had 40h curfew this weekend, but each day of the weekend I have 2h ballet classes, I hung out with my roommate etc, so the time went by fast, for me. Today, on the other hand, I can go out, but I am having such a strong depression wave I am finding it hard to be out of bed at all.

I got up, had breakfast, and now I'm writing this from bed, half-laying down. It's not even a mild 'oh how cute, let's have a day off and watch movies in bed' kind of thing. Anything I watch makes me feel worse. Anything I read or think about doing all seems bleak and pointless. I'm sore from the weekend too, and sometimes when I'm in bad state that can set me off like a trigger too, which doesn't help. Can I take a day off if I needed? Possibly, that isn't the issue. I am just really struggling finding things to hold onto today, things to look forward to. Tomorrow is my birthday and in regular times I would have been in another country going to a concert with my high school best friend I've known for years- we had tickets and all... and then, here I am. This is not about the concert though. I am just feeling so low that I just need something to hold onto. And 'managing to clean or do my work for the day', doesn't seem enough. I honestly don't know how to even make myself do these things. I can't get myself to cook, so I'm eating whatever and that isn't helping. I can order food, but I have this really mean voice in me telling me that if I do I'd be wasting money at uncertain time when I really shouldn't.

I am just so low right now, that all these thoughts combined with my body hurting everywhere from sore musles is making my mind be in this fog fuzzy sleepy state. I'm not sleeping, but I am finding it hard to function right now. This marks the forth week starting, since this whole thing began with the curfew and state of emergency. And I would like to be the person saying, this is great time to work on myself, draw, organize, write, read, learn, get in shape...and sometimes I am like that. But today is not one of those days. If I manage to clean a little and do some work today, I'll be content with that. Although I need more, I just dont have much will for more right now. It's like I can't command my body to do anything right now and everything feels harder and at the same time, useless. Still hoping it's just a day, though. better than longer time feeling like this. I'm sorry for the rant, I am just really struggling...
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
A day off isn't all is wasted time. Take that rest. Healing up and resting is a big business.

And if you don't waste money on food you pay by your health.
In a situation health care is hard to come by and/or adds other risks.

So yeah, that voice needs to shush.
It's nice you have financial planning concerns and plan ahead and all, kudos...
But order that food.

Happy Birthday :)
Glad you got through another year.
The more and merrier ;)
Also, if you feel real low about finances? Think of self care as a birthday gift.
You totally rate it and all of it.
Make this a best in-isolation birthday you can. ;)
 
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SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
A day off isn't all is wasted time.
And if you don't waste money on food you pay by your health.
In a situation health care is hard to come by and/or adds other risks.

So yeah, that voice needs to shush.
But order that food.

Happy Birthday :)
Glad you got through another year.
Make this a best in-isolation birthday you can. ;)
Thanks! It's tomorrow though. Thank you for the message though. Meant a lot to me to get a reply. I am finally able to move and be upwards but fun, it's now curfew again so no going out. This is so annoying. When in distress I find it harder to wake early or go out early, but those are the only times I can be outside right now.

Didn't order food, couldn't even order, didn't want to even look at another person today. That means I am free to get something for myself tomorrow- food or otherwise, though restricted within what is a. still open and b. within walking distance. Right now this means food, drugstore things(like there's some make up there and stuff), 99c store with random stuff.... and one electronics store that is a bit further but probably manageable if I had good reason. Also a printing place if I wanted to print some pictures for journaling. All depends if I find something that gets a spark out of me while in this state, and how I feel tomorrow.

Also today I don't even feel like writing anyone, I physically can't, but trying to arrange myself 2 video or audio calls for tomorrow- one already certain. I don't even feel like those, but let's face it, I don't feel like anything right now. I should still try somehow.

And yeah, wallowing in bed for one day will probably not kill me, but yeah...didn't feel great. But I was in that depression fog where you just can't move. At least right now I can move, though, can't put much on myself as I am super tired and fatigued from all of this. Did do few cleaning tasks through the day though.. .. so that I don't feel all crappy.

But honestly I'm still a bit in the foggy state of mind. Like I can hear my roommate is home but I don't even care to want to talk to her. Like I'm all in the sulking foggy dissociating cloud. All my will is only towards somehow, getting through the day. And that may be the best I can do right now.
 

pam4him

Confident
Please know you are not alone in how you are feeling. Many are struggling, some who've never experienced depression before to those of us who struggle often. I can relate. I have had days of no energy, why should I, what's the point. But something deep down reminds me I need to keep going. This too shall pass. And I'll get to see the rest of my family and friends soon. I try to keep to a schedule, but since I'm at home, I added in some small rewards. If I do this task, I can watch 1 episode of (whatever). Next task earns another, etc. I have to get up at the same time I used to, get dressed (overly casual), brush my teeth and hair (skipping the makeup unless I have an online meeting). Then set a task list for the day and move (sometimes more of a slow motion trudge) forward. Acknowledge the feelings of depression, maybe journal about it, then try to get back on track. Take care of yourself and just keep going. Prayers for peace and strength.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Please know you are not alone in how you are feeling. Many are struggling, some who've never experienced depression before to those of us who struggle often. I can relate. I have had days of no energy, why should I, what's the point. But something deep down reminds me I need to keep going. This too shall pass. And I'll get to see the rest of my family and friends soon. I try to keep to a schedule, but since I'm at home, I added in some small rewards. If I do this task, I can watch 1 episode of (whatever). Next task earns another, etc. I have to get up at the same time I used to, get dressed (overly casual), brush my teeth and hair (skipping the makeup unless I have an online meeting). Then set a task list for the day and move (sometimes more of a slow motion trudge) forward. Acknowledge the feelings of depression, maybe journal about it, then try to get back on track. Take care of yourself and just keep going. Prayers for peace and strength.
Thanks! I needed this. Some days, most days, I pull through at least enough to still get stuff done, some days are even good... And then there are others where I go to the grocery store for 40min but then need 2 h in bed to get myself to the next task. So I'm not entirely doing nothing, but feels like it because I only manage few tasks for many many hours awake. There are times I push myself and there are others when just being awake takes energy, as today. We have curfew from friday afternoon til Monday morning this time, and I got groceries for that time. Did couple cleaning mini tasks(ex. clean sink, not clean bathroom) and that is the sum of all my efforts for the day so far. I keep swinging between anxiety and depression in strong enough waves that I end up dissociating at time too. I think the only things that got done are either things that a. must happen now(groceries) or b. just felt easier at that moment. The world is out of control and at this moment, so am I. Like right now. It's such a great sunny day but I'm so anxious I feel myself swinging into losing track of time or feeling so sleepy that I'm drowsy just because I can't think of anything that needs doing right now.
 
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