Depression wave since self-isolation...

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Mind you, it's not the isolation part that really got to me. My ballet classes went online, I do video calls with friends regularly. It's not so bad. The things that got to me were the uncertainty, the change in the world and here, the change of routine, the fear of the future.

Because of bad sleep and having to go to stores mid-day while they work, my routine has flipped upside down.
I AM lucky to still have work, but I work for myself with clients all over the world and now I have no way to know how anyone will be affected and hence, how long I will have work.
Even with sleep meds, I still go to sleep, wake around 4-5, and I'm up for an hour watching tv shows I have watched before to calm down, and then sleep for another couple of hours or more. All the dreams I have are always unsettling, not full on nightmares, but never restful either.
This month while everything was changing all the time, I stopped working out outside of my ballet classes, my back started hurting again(sprain) and I've been eating really random and not the worst, but not healthy either.
I am afraid that even when the restrictions are lifted at first it will be hard to travel between countries, making seeing my parents and being able to return where I am harder. I also sometimes need to cross the border and back before reapplying for visa, so I'm afraid about that.

I know it's a lot of ifs. And if I'm lucky it will all go okay. I just feel like I worked so hard to get stable, and start getting social and healthy again, and to set goals for the year and have the capability to actually do something about them, and this situation completely side-swept my goals and my sense of ability to DO whatever it is I was intending. It shouldn't have. I can still do a lot at home. But there was something in the uncertainty when this began, this waiting every day for the next statistics, next report from the president, next restrictions to remember that hit me really hard. It kind of woke up this part of me that spend 3 months waiting to return to safe place where I was able to change my situation. This part of me that was hit by the trauma but had to wait 3 months until I was in a safe place until I could even begin to cope. So for 3 months there was a lot of waiting, and further trauma and denial and it was bad. And when I was finally safe it didn't really get better because the emotions finally hit me. And something about how fast, how instantly this situation went from 0 to 60 in a week, it just really hit me hard. And now that this are more settled I am struggling to make my brain feel stable or safe again. So suddenly I feel unmotivated, in need of lots of rest and sleep and everything is harder to do. But I don't get to just be resting. A lot of the world is still in crisis(as are we, but just seems sliiightly more stable now), nothing is certain and whatever work I have, whatever options I still have I need to do the most out of. Not that this knowledge helps my mental state.

I'm trying. I am taking smalls steps daily. I'm talking to friends, I am doing SOME work(but not fully full time yet although I can-some time is lost in depression and anxiety), I am following the law here, I am keeping my apartment in reasonably okay organisations. I haven't shut down. But I'm just... floating. Eating whatever, not exercising, not working on my goals, even ones that aren't affected by the current situation. I'm finding it increasingly hard to try setting goals and planning for a future when the world is going through all this. I feel like I'm daydreaming and waiting to wake up- but I haven't woken up and I know that I won't. I want to be the person that isn't sideswept by this. And I am not, not fully. But I don't like who I am right now either.
I don't know... how to keep myself together emotionally through this, how to make any of this feeling better....Maybe there is no better, maybe it's just situation that needs to pass before it gets better. But that is so hard to accept. I need something to keep me going, something that feels better than only surviving when waking up is getting harder. Something more tangible than a future that feels so uncertain. Mini goals perhaps. Some days are okay. Some days I need something, anything that feels good, so I get through the day, hence all the unhealthy behaviors and eating... I'm sorry that this is so long. I'm sorry for complaining with the way the world is. I don't want to offend anyone that is having practical trouble in this situation, hence why I didn't post earlier. I'm just really struggling.
 

littleoc

Sponsor
These reactions you're having are incredibly normal for everyone during this time. I'm feeling it too and I'm really hearing you.

You absolutely aren't offending anyone with this post, though. It's really hard to be working so hard to get better and then suddenly have to cut back because of a crisis. That alone, all the what-ifs, are really, really hard to cope with, especially for people who have already experiences trauma before. Our brains are taking this as a threat, and for good reason, but when you add chronic stress to that, the reactions can feel extreme. We've already got way too much in our stress cups before this happened.

And that's down to the nightmares, too. I'm not sure if you've seen them yet, but plenty of studies have been coming out lately showing how vivid and uncomfortable dreams have gotten for people, including people who hadn't had as much trauma in their lives as many of us here do.

How have you been doing since you first posted this?

:hug:
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
How have you been doing since you first posted this?
Thank you for writing this. Means a lot.

I... am getting worse to be honest. I'm trying to be self-aware, I'm trying to plan doing the self-care things that helf, and to keep up with my normal schedule, but... I think in the last 4 days I've crossed over from the transitional 'I'm depressed but keeping it together' into more of a 'I'm depressed and that's that' kind of state. It's not deep, it's not romantic, or self-reflective, it's dark, and chaotic and it sucks. I could excuse it in the weekend. It was a weekend and I gave myself time to just be. I showed up for my video ballet class but it took all my strength before and after to show up when all I could think was how out of shape I'm getting these weeks and all the other negative thoughts swirling in me. Couldn't concentrate on the class half the time, remembering combinations was so hard, like words entered my head on one side and left on the other and couldn't reach me.

And then yesterday, I did less than an hour in actual productive tasks and mostly...watched movies in bed, read books, tried to ineffectively journal how I feel. I told myself it was because I was sore. I told myself I can just have one day without obligations doing whatever I feel like, start fresh today.

Except today is the same. I am definitely 'in it' now. And I'm a bit angry at myself that I was seeing that I'm slipping in this depression wave from weeks and still couldn't stop it. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Doesn't change that the grand sum of my efforts today was to put away dry dishes, take few min walk to a bakery and start gathering clothes for laundry. Looots of time watching in bed. Feels like my head is a detached baloon barely holding onto me- like I know there are things that need doing, I know but I can't feel it. I can't will myself into being productive human. I'm barely holding onto still doing some things, waking the same time, going to sleep the same time, doing some cleaning... some work. But it feels like I'm managing 20 % of what is the normal things to do, and even that takes all my effort and energy. Things get scheduled and rescheduled few times before they get done. I break bigger tasks in bits. I'm dragging through the days fully detached from the date. I want to call my mental health center, but that will probably take another few days of trying until I get to it.

I hate feeling this way. Like there isn't enough going on in the world.
 

littleoc

Sponsor
I hate that you’re feeling that way, too.

Doing just 20% of normal is okay right now. Don’t beat yourself up — and just know you aren’t alone, if that helps to remember.

I know it’s hard, but sometimes doing one thing different can help a lot. I have been baking. On especially bad days, just dough I bought. Easy and still rewarding.

Is there something like that you could do, or maybe do you have a better idea?

Sending support from afar. :hug:
 

WarOfRoses

New Here
@SeekingAfrica wow I could have written your posts myself.

I starting sliding down this slippery slope as soon as we went into lockdown.

I'm just taking each day as it comes and forgetting any long term goals at the moment.

My head is all over the place at the moment. I'm to inactive and too depressed to pull myself out.

It WILL get better and I know this. That is what I'm clinging on to.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Doing just 20% of normal is okay right now. Don’t beat yourself up — and just know you aren’t alone, if that helps to remember.

I know it’s hard, but sometimes doing one thing different can help a lot. I have been baking. On especially bad days, just dough I bought. Easy and still rewarding.
Thank you! It doesn't feel okay, but then again depression never does.
I've been trying to do things though- small things- mini walk with audio book, 15min workout, occasional journaling.

It's not life-changing, but it has kept me moving. Had some tiny bit better days the last couple of days, saw that even the tiny things I did made a difference. In the middle of all really bad days I even managed to get myself to one really nice calm day with some happy moments in it.

Theeen today hit. I was already sore and with my back sprain hurting, but then we heard the state of emergency might end, giving me rush with 30days for some documents to deal with. But at the same time buses are still not working, borders are still 50/50 and wherever I travel to and back I may need to do self-isolation. Before this whole mess the buses were always full and overflowing. Now they will ask people to sit with spacing in between and only enter in certain door of the bus, without having provided extra buses. I have no car and no bike, and crowds are one of the big things that made me panic for a long time... Anyway. This will somehow pass like any other bad time in history of course.

But I just got so overwhelmed, that I... did nothing. All day. I don't even mean that as intentional day off, I just dissociated and could not get myself up. So I just...did random browsing in bed all day. The sum total of my efforts was dishes and a bit of journaling.

I'm trying to remind myself that despite my best efforts, I can't control everything. That there will be bad days and overwhelming information sometimes. My body and mind needed the time, so I'm doing my best to not feel guilty. To just end the day and try to do better tomorrow.

And that small efforts do make a difference so I should keep going.

I starting sliding down this slippery slope as soon as we went into lockdown.
Me too! I could feel it, I tried to ignore it, tried to get a hang on it.... but it still happened anyway. I'm sorry you're going through it too, sucks!

My head is all over the place at the moment. I'm to inactive and too depressed to pull myself out.

It WILL get better and I know this. That is what I'm clinging on to.
Last week I took myself on a walk with audio book. Walked like my legs were jelly and in daze. But the book kept my mind occupied so I can keep my feet moving. Only lasted 20min, but it was a start. Did help a bit.

I'm having a dark day today, but the last 3 days before that weren't as bad as before. So definitely clinging to that.
We will get through this!
 
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