Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="SeekingAfrica" data-source="post: 1669998" data-attributes="member: 19709">Thank you for writing this. Means a lot.I... am getting worse to be honest. I'm trying to be self-aware, I'm trying to plan doing the self-care things that helf, and to keep up with my normal schedule, but... I think in the last 4 days I've crossed over from the transitional 'I'm depressed but keeping it together' into more of a 'I'm depressed and that's that' kind of state. It's not deep, it's not romantic, or self-reflective, it's dark, and chaotic and it sucks. I could excuse it in the weekend. It was a weekend and I gave myself time to just be. I showed up for my video ballet class but it took all my strength before and after to show up when all I could think was how out of shape I'm getting these weeks and all the other negative thoughts swirling in me. Couldn't concentrate on the class half the time, remembering combinations was so hard, like words entered my head on one side and left on the other and couldn't reach me. And then yesterday, I did less than an hour in actual productive tasks and mostly...watched movies in bed, read books, tried to ineffectively journal how I feel. I told myself it was because I was sore. I told myself I can just have one day without obligations doing whatever I feel like, start fresh today. Except today is the same. I am definitely 'in it' now. And I'm a bit angry at myself that I was seeing that I'm slipping in this depression wave from weeks and still couldn't stop it. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Doesn't change that the grand sum of my efforts today was to put away dry dishes, take few min walk to a bakery and start gathering clothes for laundry. Looots of time watching in bed. Feels like my head is a detached baloon barely holding onto me- like I know there are things that need doing, I know but I can't feel it. I can't will myself into being productive human. I'm barely holding onto still doing some things, waking the same time, going to sleep the same time, doing some cleaning... some work. But it feels like I'm managing 20 % of what is the normal things to do, and even that takes all my effort and energy. Things get scheduled and rescheduled few times before they get done. I break bigger tasks in bits. I'm dragging through the days fully detached from the date. I want to call my mental health center, but that will probably take another few days of trying until I get to it.I hate feeling this way. Like there isn't enough going on in the world.</blockquote>

Name