Despair

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Bloomy

MyPTSD Pro
Not sure what to post this under so correct me if Ive posted under wrong category....

Yeah so I think I just broke my soul today. Reached a new level of being total bunkers mad crazy bitch did I too.

Been fighting so hard to make a difference to my self. So I guess I vunerable. Also cause I dont have network really. The bad news I got today and the flashback it gave both to postivite but also deeply traumatic time just did it. I was hoping so much that this was a oportunity that could be good for me and then this instead. It seems im not able to reach out to other human beings to make contact and connection. Like a et that tries to phone home. And had under 2 hours to go to work. Called help line and what the man said was not good for me to hear and he didnt hear me saying no please dont say this or these things to me. So I threw glass across the room in utter despair of needing kind words and care or just not to be voiceless and no less. Uninted cut myself. Blood pouring from hand. Smeared it my face with it. Trying so much ot overthink. Not black and white. Cant sort my thoughts. So I hang up the phone. To be with some one that is not with you is not good for me.

Counted the time to when I need to wash of blood and put on mask to leave for work. I did it. Put on loads of make up and that fake happy normal fit and fab face. Its so crazy the human ability to pull your shit togheter when you really have too.
I performed at work. Told my self on the way - professional. Nice. Competent. Strong and able. Even if inside broken soul.
 

Bloomy

MyPTSD Pro
@Bloomy I am so sorry that you are hurting this way. No one deserves to feel like this and you did not break your soul. I am here for you we as a community are here for you.


I did break my soul and I was in grieve over the loss when I wrote this. I still do. Do I slowly learn to accept the way it is.

But thank you so much <3
 
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