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Despressed and ashamed, leading to being irritable and exhausted

Thread starter #1
Depression is showing up as my struggling to not be tense, grouchy and irritable. I'm stuffing it with people, but also taking longer and longer to try to put on a decent attitude. It's beginning to leak out in a few spaces. I have no frustration tolerance. Not really. On the outside? looks like it. Inside, it's ugly. And when I'm alone, it's bad.

Sometimes it's said that those who are mad need to get sad, and vice versa. Maybe. Sadness seems better. But what I feel a lot is shame. Humiliation. Self disgust. I think it's the anger turned in... so I don't push people away, but it's becoming harder and harder. I'm failing. Lots of normal supports are gone or missing because of the pandemic and other factors.

Not sure the way out. I can't take meds due to health condition being treated. I'm on waitlists for therapy, but every time an intake comes up, they say they can process trauma but not help with this. I am super unwilling to process trauma yet again right now. (Been there done that and really done with it right now.) Processing the trauma didn't help with this.

Stuck and looking for ideas.
 
#2
Depression is showing up as my struggling to not be tense, grouchy and irritable. I'm stuffing it with people, but also taking longer and longer to try to put on a decent attitude. It's beginning to leak out in a few spaces. I have no frustration tolerance. Not really. On the outside? looks like it. Inside, it's ugly. And when I'm alone, it's bad.

Sometimes it's said that those who are mad need to get sad, and vice versa. Maybe. Sadness seems better. But what I feel a lot is shame. Humiliation. Self disgust. I think it's the anger turned in... so I don't push people away, but it's becoming harder and harder. I'm failing. Lots of normal supports are gone or missing because of the pandemic and other factors.

Not sure the way out. I can't take meds due to health condition being treated. I'm on waitlists for therapy, but every time an intake comes up, they say they can process trauma but not help with this. I am super unwilling to process trauma yet again right now. (Been there done that and really done with it right now.) Processing the trauma didn't help with this.

Stuck and looking for ideas.
What natural things have you tried for depression? Healthy low sugar diet and daily aerobic exercise are huge help. Getting a daily routine where you feel like you take care of basic stuff (teeth, bathing, hair, eating) and each day accomplish something, work toward life goals.....seeing progress i an important area....and do something nice for yourself....something fun-everyday.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#3
Sometimes I just need to set down with paper and pen and write about everything I am angry about. Writing it out by hand seems to help because we can't lie to a piece of paper. Just get it out. The hardest thing at first was stopping the 'editor'. Like 'oh I shouldn't be angry about something so silly'.

But a lot of times my depression was anger turned inward. No one has to see, read or agree or disagree with what I write. It's for me. Just to get it out.

Something else I've done, and have shared before, is getting old plates, cups, whatever I could find at yard sales, take a hammer and break that crap to pieces!! A physical release was so rewarding and I was talking and cussing and fussing the whole time. At people, circumstances, whatever rolled thru my head that hurt or I was angry about, it went out on those old plates.

Of course be careful to not hurt yourself in the process. But it helped more than I can put into words. And since we are taught from day one to not GET ANGRY and certainly don't EXPRESS it, it was such a cathartic release.

Maybe you can find your own way to express that anger without it staying inside and having so much control over your life.

I hope you find something that helps. I understand where you are and have been there. I found my own way to get it out.

Sending understanding.
 
#4
Sometimes I just need to set down with paper and pen and write about everything I am angry about. Writing it out by hand seems to help because we can't lie to a piece of paper. Just get it out. The hardest thing at first was stopping the 'editor'. Like 'oh I shouldn't be angry about something so silly'.

But a lot of times my depression was anger turned inward. No one has to see, read or agree or disagree with what I write. It's for me. Just to get it out.

Something else I've done, and have shared before, is getting old plates, cups, whatever I could find at yard sales, take a hammer and break that crap to pieces!! A physical release was so rewarding and I was talking and cussing and fussing the whole time. At people, circumstances, whatever rolled thru my head that hurt or I was angry about, it went out on those old plates.

Of course be careful to not hurt yourself in the process. But it helped more than I can put into words. And since we are taught from day one to not GET ANGRY and certainly don't EXPRESS it, it was such a cathartic release.

Maybe you can find your own way to express that anger without it staying inside and having so much control over your life.

I hope you find something that helps. I understand where you are and have been there. I found my own way to get it out.

Sending understanding.

I have some of my own anger issues rising...they rise up...I push them down.....I'm good for a day or two...then I'm angry and talking to thin air....but whaling on some dishes.....sounds really cathartic and appealing.....did you do it outside?....neighbors would think I was crazy....I think they might anyway.
 
#5
I am super unwilling to process trauma yet again right now. (Been there done that and really done with it right now.) Processing the trauma didn't help with this.
Something I’ve found over the past few years is that looking at / sorting lessons learned in trauma? Is a wholly seperate thing from processing trauma. Still adjacent, which may still be too close... and very backwards / much like grabbing the tiger by the tail / the trauma I’ve processed I didn’t have to come at these lessons singularly... but useful as f*ck. Because my life wasn’t/isn’t stable enough for trauma therapy, but I was/am still having serious problems related to these lessons. Okay. Fine. We’ll deal with the stupid lessons, then.

Aside from that? Dude. You’ve been f*cking sick. Cut yourself some goddamn slack. Friday’s orders. You’re allowed to be grumpy, and upset, and irritated. There’s very little more disarming to the strong, than to feel weak, or be made weak. But that doesn’t mean that YOU are weak. You’d beat the f*cker to death with your IV pole, what comes at you. IE you’re stronger weak, than most people are on their best day. You’ve got this. Bite the next person who implies otherwise.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#6
Yes @TruthSeeker, I did it outside. But there was a shed on the property where I at least has some privacy. But by the time I got 'there' to break dishes with a hammer, I could give a f*ck who thought I was crazy!!! I was crazy. Crazy from not having a healthy way to discharge that anger. Nothing was working. That did.

There is just something about glass breaking that is awesome. No one got hurt. I didn't take my anger out on anyone. I felt tremendous relief, and said a lot of things out loud that needed to be said OUT LOUD!!

Let me know if you do it and if it helps. It's not traditional, but neither am I. So, whatever works on this slippery slope journey we are on. Happy Healing.
 
Thread starter #7
Breaking glass and expressing anger in safe healthy ways totally works for some people.... I have those outlets and even therapists have suggested it's not the route I need to go for a variety of reasons. Totally good ideas though. Thanks!

Depression-care? Oh mine sucks. I'm sitting here and my bedroom lamp is broken. Bad wires. I just need a new lamp. Too blah to bother but the dark room just depresses me more. So I turn on the overhead but that light flickers and then I'm like ARGH FORGET IT. I exercise, etc, but it's another kind of care that is missing. Maybe it is the lessons rather than the xyz particulars of the trauma. Struggling to find words and thoughts through the haze.

My best moment today? When I thought huh. I know how to handle things many people don't. Ok, so often they are not common things people need to handle but maybe I'm inventive because I KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN SHIT HITS THE FAN. Let's go be friggin' inventive today then! <--- this gets me somewhere right now. I feel better. I can do more. I'm not so angry. For a moment. But hey that moment is something, and I want more of them.

The other good moment? When I was at the pool using a million adaptions and really focusing on everything I liked about the moment and a sort of "see look can't keep me down" kind of attitude for a moment. Another moment. Girl who was swimming miles is now happy to make it across the pool... BUT EFF IT, I AM GOING TO ENJOY THAT 25 YARDS. It was a moment of just enjoying every little thing I could find to enjoy about the moment even though I was in piles of pain and exhausted. It was a brand new olympic pool. I felt like a kid in a candy store for a bit. Came home and collapsed, tied up in coughs and frustration and tears.

Speaking of survival... it is freaking exhausting me. I didn't realize it until I read this:
Aside from that? Dude. You’ve been f*cking sick. Cut yourself some goddamn slack. Friday’s orders. You’re allowed to be grumpy, and upset, and irritated. There’s very little more disarming to the strong, than to feel weak, or be made weak. But that doesn’t mean that YOU are weak. You’d beat the f*cker to death with your IV pole, what comes at you. IE you’re stronger weak, than most people are on their best day. You’ve got this. Bite the next person who implies otherwise.
Ah, you have no idea how close I am to beating that f*cker with the IV pole, or rather the nebulizer box... maybe if I could use it to beat back despair winning out... I am terribly weak but can not tell you how much it means that someone sees any strength.
 
#8
they say they can process trauma but not help with this. I

Is “this” ^ in reference to your health condition or depression, may I ask? Btw, prayers for your health and gentle recovery, so sorry to read the news.🤗 if you accept

For me, I was told recently, that I may have another disease which I found that the label meant more to the Dr.s than my decline of energy or quality of life. My depression from my decline is partly held in check through vigilant therapy and some of the mood is modified by my use of my toolbox.

Radical Acceptance as well as learning to sit in my discomfort has assisted with washing away some of my shame wrapped around the avoidance of ‘less than’. As our health is integrated within our mind, body and soul- I work on the parts that I ‘can‘ change knowing it will help a little over all.
 
#9
Yes @TruthSeeker, I did it outside. But there was a shed on the property where I at least has some privacy. But by the time I got 'there' to break dishes with a hammer, I could give a f*ck who thought I was crazy!!! I was crazy. Crazy from not having a healthy way to discharge that anger. Nothing was working. That did.

There is just something about glass breaking that is awesome. No one got hurt. I didn't take my anger out on anyone. I felt tremendous relief, and said a lot of things out loud that needed to be said OUT LOUD!!

Let me know if you do it and if it helps. It's not traditional, but neither am I. So, whatever works on this slippery slope journey we are on. Happy Healing.
I have a shed and a hammer.....and it's pretty empty-a good place to break dishes.🙂 I'll have to get some dishes to put out there, and leave a hammer so when I'm good and angry, and stuffing isn't happening....and when it happens....I'll report back and let you know. Thanks.
 
#10
Sometimes I just take time to be honest with myself. Which I am not too good at, as I learned earlier this year when I took a 2week "crisis vacation". Took me a week in before I realized I was not honest with myself, therefore I was not honest with my providers. I am struggling myself right now. I am using "pacing" which I learned in CBT pain, which helps sometimes more than what I learned in CBT depression. Basically I set about a task, break it into sub tasks, and work on it until I complete the task. Instead of getting down for not completely finishing the task, I look at the sub tasks I did complete, and I acknowledge what I did do instead of what I didn't.
 
#11
Sometimes I just take time to be honest with myself. Which I am not too good at, as I learned earlier this year when I took a 2week "crisis vacation". Took me a week in before I realized I was not honest with myself, therefore I was not honest with my providers. I am struggling myself right now. I am using "pacing" which I learned in CBT pain, which helps sometimes more than what I learned in CBT depression. Basically I set about a task, break it into sub tasks, and work on it until I complete the task. Instead of getting down for not completely finishing the task, I look at the sub tasks I did complete, and I acknowledge what I did do instead of what I didn't.
I do that and didn't know it had a name...pacing. I write down in my phone the things I will get done in a day (have tos and extras, and rewards I want to do in the evening for being successful). It really does help me not to thing in the "whole" and become more parts of task minded. Also prevents beating myself up for not being successful at something that isn't all that hard..
 
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