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Devastated because it seems t doesn't care about me when she has other things.

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I am devastated because it seems that while my therapist cares, it is only up to a certain point and I am under the impression that she can't always be relied on.

I recently wrote my therapist an email asking her some important questions and at I also mentioned some other stuff that wasn't really important but that I was expecting her to at least acknowledge (she usually responds to everything I write no matter how trivial and unrelated to therapy it is).

She responded with a long email answering all my questions but did not acknowledge the two other things I had mentioned regarding how my life was going which were very important to me (though trivial) and which I had forgotten to mention during our session. This is unusual for her as she usually responds to everything I write to her no matter how unrelated to therapy it is. This has caused me to become used to expecting a response and to worry whether she has more important things to attend to or doesn't really care about the things I mentioned when I do not get a response.

I mentioned how I felt during our last session and she said that she had responded the same day and was in a hurry to get a response to me because I seemed to be in distress after our session and that is why she did not acknowledge the stuff I mentioned. She also said that in the future if this happens that I should not worry as there is most likely a reason why she isn't replying. I believed her and felt better after our last session, however, I also remembered afterwards that she had also not replied to some thing I mentioned in another email in the past. The excuse she had given that time was that she was visiting her father (who lives far away).

So now I have been feeling low for the past few days because it seems like she will only listen to me or respond to my emails on her terms as opposed to being available for any questions or to listen to me. I have been feeling depressed and had to postpone posting this because of how it was making me feel.

Am I not correct in my understanding that a therapist should always treat a person the same way no matter what else is going on for them (barring extreme circumstances or emergencies) as this promotes trust? Especially when I have issues with trust in the first place and have had times where I did not feel heard as a child?

Or am I expecting too much from her? And if so why am I feeling this way?
 
Truth. Your therapist cares.

Truth. Your therapist can only be relied on up to a certain point. (She can’t do anything/everything for you due to professional boundaries.)

Truth. She can not always be relied on. See above reason. Plus, a therapist isn’t there to do everything for you. You can’t rely on a therapist for everything.

I think you’re catastrophizing. Your therapist took the time to write you back, and yet you have no allowance for her humanity and imperfections. Your therapist is human. She cannot he perfect.

You also think she should drop everything for you when she’s away with family? I think this is asking a bit too much.

The emailing is a privilege. Yes, it’s a privilege. Many of us don’t have email access. Or text access. Or even access other than our 45 minutes a week. (My therapist is part of a large office. I can call if I’m in crisis, but I’ll only get the on call person.)

Yes, you are expecting way too much. I think you’re under the belief that trust is built up through perfection. No. You’ll be trustless your whole life if you don’t allow people to be human.

I’m not trying to sound harsh.

I think that if you have the expectation of perfection, you are engaging in a trauma re-creation of sorts where you will always be disappointed and this will “prove” that nobody can be trusted.
 
Hello :)

Sounds like you are expecting slightly too much -- though I couldn't tell you why.

Your therapist does need time to herself, though she is there to help you. But she does need boundaries, and she does need time for herself and other clients. It's not unreasonable that she didn't answer due to visiting her family, unless it was a long record of never answering you.

She seems, through your wording, to care about you, and she seems to be concerned the right amount after tough sessions. It's likely that she's reading how your life is going and nodding, but doesn't respond specifically to that because it doesn't need her help. There could be other things as well.

She is also there to guide you, not to respond to everything.

I hope this helps :)
 
Therapists who have boundaries and have a life outside of work tend to be the most trustworthy.

Most therapists don’t do extensive email contact, if any email contact at all. The time is usually not paid for and can often undermine the therapeutic alliance. So many things can get miscommunicated on email. It’s not a great format for working out difficult sessions. Plus, expectation mismatches can turn into issues that break down the therapeutic alliance further.
She responded with a long email answering all my questions but did not acknowledge the two other things I had mentioned regarding how my life was going which were very important to me (though trivial) and which I had forgotten to mention during our session.
She took her time to write a long email, answering ALL your questions, and yet you are super focused she didn’t mention the two matters that you call trivial. .

No therapist can meet the expectation that they be responsive to every “trivial” thing, or even every big thing, 24-7.

That’s expecting a therapist to be more like a mother for a child.
Am I not correct in my understanding that a therapist should always treat a person the same way no matter what else is going on for them (barring extreme circumstances or emergencies) as this promotes trust? Especially when I have issues with trust in the first place and have had times where I did not feel heard as a child?
What you are actually probably feel the pain of right now isn’t about the emails but the reality that she can not replace the proper parenting you didn’t get as a child. She can’t. No therapist could.

Trust issues can be worked on and resolved without perfection from a therapist and without out of session email contact.

She has been clear that sometimes she can respond, and sometimes she can’t. If that inconsistency in her availability to respond to emails is too much of a reminder of not being heard in the past, then you and her may need to consider not continuing email contact between sessions. I think you’ve got to decide if you can handle emailing her with the uncertainty as to if she’ll be able to respond or not. There was s time in my recovery that I couldn’t do it. It was too jarring to not know.

How this usually plays out: client and therapist have different expectations, therapist is trying to show tremendous care and concern within their limits, client doesn’t hear that concern coming through on email, but spins out because of the pain if the past being stirred up, and the therapist can’t quickly resolve the miscommunications on email like they could in session, distrust starts to build up... therapist eventually says no more email to try to stop the cycle and maintain or regain the therapeutic alliance.

An alternative to this happening in this way is to talk to her about this, and ask for what she would be able to consistently do every week. Perhaps she can agree to respond to 1 email within 72 hours every week. Then you can start to experience some consistency in responsiveness on email, if there is a level of between session contact she can agree to do consistently.
The excuse she had given that time was that she was visiting her father (who lives far away).
Not an excuse. She actually should not have to give any reason at all for not being able to respond. She will have to do other things in her life outside of work. It’s very good that she actually has a life outside of work. Therapists who do not maintain boundaries and a life outside of their jobs usually burn out and quit or screw up therapy somehow.

This is why many therapists don’t do email at all - it can set up clients for significant frustration when they ineveitably have a life outside of work and can’t respond all the time to everything.

You can see her limits as a way she is failing to be worth your trust... or you can see her limits as a good sign that she knows how to take care of herself, and that your pain is really about the past, and what was missing as a child.

Being able to say no to you, means you can trust her yes is real and thoughtful and not given flippantly. If she always said yes all the time, then I’d actually be more worried she isn’t trustworthy.

The pain you feel isn’t likely really just about her not emailing about trivial topics... but the pain of not being heard as a child. It’s very reasonable to be upset with those that didn’t hear you as a child.
 
it seems like she will only listen to me or respond to my emails on her terms as opposed to being available for any questions or to listen to me
Your therapist is there for you, in session, to listen, ask questions, support you any way she can. Outside of that it’s not her job to be there for you indefinitely - that’s the role of family, friends and other supports. On a purely practical level a full time practice for her might be 30 clients, she cannot possibly be available for each of those clients at any time and have any kind of private life.

As hard as it is, you’re part of her working life, which means when she isn’t working with you, you don’t have the right to make demands on her time. It’s great that she’s replied in detail to your emails, many Ts wouldn’t do that - mine certainly wouldn’t and I know she cares a great deal for me.

On a practical level, do you pay her for her time taken to read and reply to your emails? If not you’re asking her to work for free, which is far from fair. If you are paying her, you have more reason to be disappointed with her response but it sounds like you’re being picky to be honest and yes, I think you’re expecting a lot from her.
 
Trust issues can be worked on and resolved without perfection from a therapist
In a way, the BEST way to work on trust issues is by recognizing that people are imperfect. Because they are. You can trust them anyway, once you know they have your best interests at heart. If someone is "perfect" and always 100% meets your expectations, you're going to be disappointed with the rest of the world. People aren't obligated to meet all our perceived needs. They have their own, separate, existence and their own needs to look out for. Many of them are worthy of trust anyway.
 
I would never dream of emailing my therapist.I am hypervigilant about asking too much of people and T's have other clients and a life of their own to lead too. But that's just me I guess, we are all unique brings with unique needs and ideas of what acceptable boundaries are.

Sounds like you are craving a secure attachment and have never had one in the past, so understandably, you are coming from a genuine place of need.

Can you explore group therapy options?

It's possible that peer support could fulfill that gap that you are trying to get your T to fill.
Or maybe just tap in here and draw on the support of this or other online communities more.
We are a very supportive group of peers, I have found.
 
I was sorta like this with my last t. Her replies would upset me. She took away the privilege. It is a PRIVILEGE to write to them. My new t allows emails and I’m very careful to only appreciate his responses and not criticize. And not to take advantage of that privilege. I really hated it when my last therapist said I could only email for scheduling but she did it with my best interest in mind as well. She said she didn’t want me to be upset if she had something else going on in her life and couldn’t respond right away and I would twist things she said. I really loved that even when I asked her to change her mind when she said she was leaving her practice for awhile she held firm. I first learned about boundaries from her. I look back fondly at that. But really, if her responses are causing you such distress it may make sense for emailing to be off the table unless you can relax a bit around her replies. She can’t drop everything for you. I know we all wish they would at times when it seems like everything is falling down on us but they are only human and can only do as best they can which is often not what we expect.
 
mmm I think in this occasion you are expecting too much. I think you're setting up impossible hurdles for your therapist to pass and she is bound to fail no matter what. Even if she talked in the email about those other two things you would probably find something else that was wrong because it seems like you might perhaps be a bit scared of trusting her and the closeness. Maybe you are just not ready yet, which is fine. You are in therapy for a reason. However, I don't think you can expect her to write back such long emails and do therapy over email. Lastly, I think your therapist should perhaps review the email "rules" with you. I don't think in my opinion there should be such long questions and responses going on through email. It seems like you're pushing the boundary and your therapist is unable to put her foot down.
 
What I "hear" when I read your post are the thoughts of a very, very young child. This is not an insult to you at all, nor am I saying you are being "childish" so please do not take it that way. What I'm trying to say is I wonder if you haven't suffered a great offense, to the point of PTSD when you were really young under the age of 3 maybe. I've parented children, done a lot of nannying, and took a lot of parenting classes. I hear really young questions in your post. The pleading questions from little ones, "why can't you stay home tonigiht/" Why do you have to go to work, why can't you hear that I'm hurt? Being young they don't understand the demands of grown up life. What I found useful is to acknowledge these young little people in me, and acknowledge their hurt and what grown ups think are "irrational" just acknowledge it and lean into it. Then I have talk to them and explain the situation the best way possible. It isn't until they are truly heard and healed will these strong unsettling feelings diminish. You are on a path of healing. You therapist can't respond to everything, it literally isn't possible. I bailed on friends tonight because I was too tired and emotional drained. I know they are disappointed in me, but I can only hope they will understand and forgive me for changing my plans, which affected their plans. Your therapist can get stuck in this fear if she doesn't answer every question or treat you just so you will be devasted. And then responding to you from that fear of hurting you, will actually end causing her to make a mistake. Hopefully, she can set some boundaries so she can be a human being and you can begin to trust that even though she isn't perfect, she may be good enough. and if what i have responded does not fit for you, just disregard my response. I hope you are feeling better and not feeling slightly abandoned Those feelings are so tought to deal with.
 
What I "hear" when I read your post are the thoughts of a very, very young child. // I hear really young questions in your post. The pleading questions from little ones, "why can't you stay home tonigiht/" Why do you have to go to work, why can't you hear that I'm hurt? Being young they don't understand the demands of grown up life.

Nailed it.
 
I would suggest using biller points when you contact her through email. Short, to the point. It will make it easier to stay on track and not have to worm out what exactly you’re asking her for.
 
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