Other Developing anti social personality disorder

[tofubreadcoriander]

My former therapist once told me in a therapy session that I'll become anti social or a psychopath after "feeling a powerful emotion".

I'm not fully there, but I fear if I go off medication I'll develop aspd.

The main clue is that when I study, when it comes to a critical point in the subject (that's worth remembering, such as math formulas) I distract myself by pushing it out.

Have you encountered other people in such state? I'm on a mood stabilizer and an anti psychotic. If I get late on taking my meds I can feel the rush coming. I stayed without meds for a while to see what happens and I get vivid (weird dreams) and a feeling of being "electrocuted" at the back of my head. I also feel "a hole at the back of my head" (as one of my psychiatrists have put it).

 

[EveHarrington]

I am not clear about what your therapist told you, nor do I even think that she should have said that to you.

 

[tofubreadcoriander]

I am not clear about what your therapist told you, nor do I even think that she should have said that to you.

Thing is, I tried going to support for sexual abuse and as me and the therapist were talking, my impulse was to hurt her more and more - and, note, not out of self protection like you would see with normal people but just out of a desire to do harm. I didn't act out on my impulse for fear of going to jail as I don't want to be abused (+ I'm a vegetarian and the food wouldn't work out). Whatever I try to do, if it's for improving my situation (I'm homeless, living in a shelter), eventually I'll forget it - I am able to memorize it for a short while but then I forget which makes college hard.

I get triggered by other people's happiness and I want to harm them. I don't think this is normal.

I believe these are signs of developing aspd though I'm not the loud and aggressive type, more of the physically violent type. Are there any chances that, if I get a job, live in a stable house with good housemates and go into trauma therapy (such as somatic experiencing or sensorimotor psychotherapy) that I'll heal?

 

[Friday]

How old are you?

 

[arfie]

I get triggered by other people's happiness and I want to harm them. I don't think this is normal.

that is normal for me, though nowhere near as much so as before psychotherapy. these days i merely get irritated with other people's happiness. i've progressed far enough that sometimes i can even celebrate and join in the occasion. i wouldn't know normal if it bit my nose, but for sure, i feel much healthier since i got a handle on this particular personal trait and started finding ways around it. being repulsed by happiness is no way to live.

in my own case, i believe this is a result of the doomsaying and constantly dashed hopes i was raised with. what few happy events i had in my childhood all too often ended with brutal trauma. by the time i came of age, i didn't trust happiness. at least i knew what to expect from mean bitterness.

 

[tofubreadcoriander]

How old are you?

I'm 32

that is normal for me, though nowhere near as much so as before psychotherapy. these days i merely get irritated with other people's happiness. i've progressed far enough that sometimes i can even celebrate and join in the occasion. i wouldn't know normal if it bit my nose, but for sure, i feel much healthier since i got a handle on this particular personal trait and started finding ways around it. being repulsed by happiness is no way to live.

in my own case, i believe this is a result of the doomsaying and constantly dashed hopes i was raised with. what few happy events i had in my childhood all too often ended with brutal trauma. by the time i came of age, i didn't trust happiness. at least i knew what to expect from mean bitterness.

Do you feel like you've a hole at the back of your head? As if there's a huge hole, psychologically speaking, from which you feel pain when you think about anything?

 

[arfie]

no feeling of a hole in my head, but i often get intensely irritating tingles on the base of my skull. my more maddening sense is of what i call, "pressure centers" which feel like intense concentrations of pressure which press unmercifully on surrounding tissue. medical doctors have called them migraine headaches. one name is as good as another.

 

[tofubreadcoriander]

no feeling of a hole in my head, but i often get intensely irritating tingles on the base of my skull. my more maddening sense is of what i call, "pressure centers" which feel like intense concentrations of pressure which press unmercifully on surrounding tissue. medical doctors have called them migraine headaches. one name is as good as another.

This is the difference between me as a sufferer of C-PTSD and developing ASPD and sufferers of (C-)PTSD that are ok. It seems I lack the social aspect. When I look at other people they interact socially, e.g. they tell each other stories (whatever these stories are) while I, I silently stand there with a blank mind. It's strange.

What's worse, I have the impulse to tell people bad things like "you're a whore". I also discriminate people based on their color of the skin (not sure where I got this from, probably from society). And the impulse to hit is there. This manifests in me kicking people in their feet. Though, when challenged I shut down and don't fight back.

Not sure what to do. My last trauma therapist told me I have C-PTSD and that "there's still a bit there left". I haven't exposed these concerns to him nor that one of my previous therapists with whom I made significant progress (though my trauma therapist told me it was counter transference) told me I'll become an anti social/psychopath.

I guess this isn't something you encounter every day so I'd understand if there isn't much help to offer. Plus, people tend to socially isolate anti social people so I wouldn't be surprised if people won't reply to this thread.

 

[arfie]

I guess this isn't something you encounter every day so I'd understand if there isn't much help to offer. Plus, people tend to socially isolate anti social people so I wouldn't be surprised if people won't reply to this thread.

i quite solidly believe that each and every case of mental illness is unique. however many symptoms i have in common with my brothers and sisters-in-healing, each and every one of us has a unique story to tell. sometimes i think i can say the same of all humans, but? ? ? different thread.

i started my recovery from child sex trafficking in 1972, before a single one of the acronyms listed in your post had achieved enough respectability to have sprouted acronyms. as hodgepodge as that therapy was, i am grateful i didn't wait for the proper acronyms.

what to do next? ? ? when i don't know, i wait for the clarity in my next itsy bitsy baby step.
small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

 

[littleoc]

What is your definition of anti social personality disorder? I feel you haven't described any symptoms of this personality disorder.

To me it feel you have received misinformation and are focused on a secret consequence of it. I have OCD as does my little brother, and at different points we both were scared we had developed or were going to develop ASPD.

Besides that, people with ASPD can be born with it, or taught it. Whatever. Either way, a diagnosis doesn't make them evil or a bad person. Just, if they get that diagnosis, now they have a means to seek treatment if they desire help. aka, it's not a sentence you'd not come back from, if theoretically that happened.

I'm not sure that therapist knew what they were talking about? Trauma doesn't necessarily cause personality disorders the way that that therapist seems to have suggested it. If anything, I think this might be a case of a therapist who was educated in a 70s line of thought (that was considered inaccurate then), and not in a way based on reality....?

In any case, if you think you have a personality disorder, by all means seek treatment. But you haven't described the symptoms of ASPD. You're describing symptoms like emotional distance/dissociation, maybe, but that's different.

Did you do anything to carry on the cycle of abuse you experienced...?

Sorry for all the ?s and uncertainty, I just very confused on how anyone has made this conclusion about you conditions and am wondering if maybe you have additional insight or if this therapist just said something without truly thinking on it.

 

[Weemie]

My former therapist once told me in a therapy session that I'll become anti social or a psychopath after "feeling a powerful emotion".

Your former therapist should have their license revoked. This has nothing to do with anti-social personality disorder. ASPD is caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Trauma is one of those factors, but most people who experience trauma do not develop ASPD. You can have aggressive and violent impulses without ASPD. It is actually very much a component of PTSD, which you are already diagnosed with.

Physical aggression and ASPD are both more likely to occur in men, in those who have a history of childhood abuse, those whose primary caregivers are/were addicts, those who grew up in poverty, exposure to prison/law enforcement at a young age, children who are involved in armed/gang violence, etc. ASPD is associated with a lack of affective empathy, but that is actually not in the diagnostic criteria, as that is a neurological phenomenon (which is why it shows up in schizoid personality disorder but not something like ASPD).

It's possible that you could have ASPD - the thing about ASPD is that it's a description of behaviors, it's not the same thing as psychopathy, which is how your brain is structured. ASPD is purely a behavioral disorder, which occurs due to specific fixed/stable traits (your "personality," hence the name - but it actually has less to do with your character and more to do with the things you do/say on an average basis, your temperament, etc.) So anyone really is at "risk" of developing ASPD, because diagnostically speaking, ASPD is what we "see", not what you "are."

Do you have a history of criminality? Do you frequently violate the rights of others? Do you lie a lot? Do you act out your aggressive impulses or simply think about them? How are your relationships with others? Do you have friends, a spouse, etc? Can you make and keep a friend over a long period of time, or are your relationships very unstable? Do you have any paranoid ideation at all? (Thinking people are out to get you, etc.) Do you blame other people for your problems or take responsibility for them? Can you apologize to people without qualifying it? (i.e. I'm sorry you feel that way, or If I did XYZ, then sorry.)

Have you ever been in prison, or in a locked facility?

 

[tofubreadcoriander]

Did you do anything to carry on the cycle of abuse you experienced...?

Sorry for all the ?s and uncertainty, I just very confused on how anyone has made this conclusion about you conditions and am wondering if maybe you have additional insight or if this therapist just said something without truly thinking on it.

See answers to @Weemie 's questions below.

Do you have a history of criminality?

Yes, in my childhood and teenage years - though, uncaught.

Do you frequently violate the rights of others?

Not so much, no.

Do you lie a lot?

Yes.

Do you act out your aggressive impulses or simply think about them?

I act out *sometimes* (very rarely) - most of the time I act *in*. I.e. I push it away in a self harm manner

How are your relationships with others?

All my friends deserted me. At college I can't speak with others for fear they'll see I'm anti social and manipulative. One example: I was talking with one colleague and have told him (which I told to myself not to but couldn't help it) that I tried to do a lab in advance and realized a lot of my answers were wrong at which point he said: "yes, you tried to stay ahead" and I was like "yeah" (in my head) but also feeling impulsive to hit him

Do you have friends, a spouse, etc?

No

Can you make and keep a friend over a long period of time, or are your relationships very unstable?

I could've made friends before and had good friends. I urged them to seek therapy seeing how well it worked for me, but now they stopped talking with me after I told them what happened.

Do you have any paranoid ideation at all? (Thinking people are out to get you, etc.)

No, but I do think that if I'd act out I'd be put in prison and so I push feelings/impulses away and self harm due to this.

Do you blame other people for your problems or take responsibility for them?

Neither. I kind of go with the "wind". Feel the discomfort, distract and let time work it's magic.

Can you apologize to people without qualifying it? (i.e. I'm sorry you feel that way, or If I did XYZ, then sorry.)

I apologize in emails (for example) but don't really mean it - it's all a façade.

Have you ever been in prison, or in a locked facility?

I've been in a psychiatric ward.