Dez. 15th, 2020

It's been half a year since my first post here regarding whether my thing happened or not. It's been about 14 years since the happy childhood turned into a nightmare of years and years of struggle.
I keep dreaming about meeting the guy again who, i hope is not true, did things to me I didn't want. But, i am not sie of that's true or not, i think i remember not saying anything and just thinking i am doing this to pleasure him, only him.
I start to remember
 
Dezember 27th, 2020
I am held prisoner by my own parents.
I am okay. But i don't want to be here. Those looks they gave me when i wanted to leave, the silent accusations and loud disappointment. I can't leave. I am emotionally trapped
 
Dez. 28th 2020,
I am still at my parents house. The mood swings are stressful and i feel dependent on what mood they're in.
I will watch 'tangled' soon, the mother reminds me of my own and it gives me a feeling of understanding what's going on quite the contrary to not trusting my own feelings and emotions anymore, because of the emotional brain wash.
Sounds a lot like Gothel, doesn't it?
 
Dez., 31st 2020
The Last day of 2020!

This isn't supposed to be a review on the year or whatever. But i'd like to say that it had good sides, very good sides actually.
I've been in a relationship with a wonderful human being since the beginning or the year. Then there was the corona virus all over the place but the start of the year was quite awesome.
Tip: Don't watch those depressing videos
about why 2021 is going to be as bad as 2020. It just takes all of the little excitement for having a better year (maybe).
I hope so.

I am back home but not doing very well. I had a nightmare about my parents. In my dream, they kept animals caged and it was all horrifying.. In my dream i ran away and set all animals free.
I can't deal with movies about happy families or broken families that are still more healthy and happy than mine.
I could not accept it for so long. But i start to realise that there is no family for me. I don't have a family.
I have my soulmate, my partner.
 
14th of february
What an irony. The day when love should be in the air. But there is not love in my heart for everyone. I can't deal with my parents anymore. I want to finally cut ties. Not that easy when one's financial dependent. I have to.
I get sad, thinking about not having someone to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Or seeing my children, their grandchildren. But that is just dreaming around
 
14th of february
What an irony. The day when love should be in the air. But there is not love in my heart for everyone. I can't deal with my parents anymore. I want to finally cut ties. Not that easy when one's financial dependent. I have to.
I get sad, thinking about not having someone to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Or seeing my children, their grandchildren. But that is just dreaming around
I will cut ties when i'm psychologically more stable
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Yes, I get angry. I'm living with my elderly mother and she is a bitch. I think she forgets I'm an adult. I'm working on getting out of here now. I sold my house to move here and take care of her needs, and used the money to turn the huge garage into a cottage. I should have kept my money. I'm in the same situation as you are at the other end of life. It is very hard to deal with and causes ongoing trauma in some cases. You are not alone.
 
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