Sufferer Diagnosed with PTSD in Young Adulthood, Unsure of What My Future Will Look Like

[nic00]

Hello, everyone. Thank you first for reading. I hope you're all well. This is my first time talking about this aspect of my life like this, so I'm grateful for the opportunity.

I got diagnosed with PTSD right before my 24th birthday this year, but I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety right after I turned 22. I've always struggled with it but never had the ability to get help until recently.

Lately, the challenges feel insurmountable. I've experienced a lot of neglect, sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, and unsafe situations for most of my life. I wasn't able to finish high school due to depression, homelessness, and working two jobs. I really don't know what normal looks like.

I've felt like my trauma is like a rotting smell I have to hide around people and it's exhausting. Relationships feel completely impossible because I'm not sure what a healthy relationship looks like, I have trouble trusting others, and once I feel like I can trust someone they run before I can even get to scare them further by telling them I have mental illness. It feels like a losing battle just to feel like you have the right to basic human kindness. And if and when you receive it, it feels twisted and awful and you convince yourself you don't deserve it. I feel like no one could ever even platonically love someone like me. Yet it feels like everyone has strong friendships and relationships that don't involve theft or verbal abuse.

My motivation is low. It's so hard not to beat myself up when I can't keep a job or even have a healthy long term relationship when your 20s are the prime time for such things. I'm currently taking medication and in therapy long term, but these past couple weeks have been so rough that I'm slipping into bad coping mechanisms I haven't done in months.

It feels like I'm destined to be someone's punching bag or the bad guy. So I just avoid people in general. The humiliation of being rejected or feeling like everyone's looking at you like a freak is just too much. I feel totally stuck, lost, and unworthy. The main thing keeping me going is the last time I was admitted, I had the worst time of my life and almost had someone come into my room to attack me. Which also made me feel like shit because I felt like I did something to make someone act of character.

It's been hard to have the focus to delve into a hobby. I'm just tired of feeling rejected and falling into a cycle of guilt and beating myself up. I'm scared that I'll never feel comfortable love. I don't even care about feeling fiery, passionate, fairy tale love. I just want to have a relationship where I feel like they aren't gonna abuse me or drop me without so much of a warning. Even though I know I shouldn't focus on this thought, I have to wonder if it's possible to be loved with this so much on my spirit. I do have things I like about myself, but the light from those thoughts is very dim.

I apologize for the long post. Thank you for reading. If anyone has any advice about living with PTSD long-term, I'd love to hear. Otherwise, I welcome any comments. Thank you again.

 

[RubyBlue]

Welcome ???

 

[Deanna]

Welcome! I'm PTSD and so is boyfriend.. It can happen! ( I mean, it doesn't have to be that your both PTSD) Be positive! Achieve your dreams and don't feel like you have to tell everyone about your mental illness on a date. It's a date, not a job interview. It's up to you if you'll have a relationship because you're half of the picture.

 

[nic00]

Welcome! I'm PTSD and so is boyfriend.. It can happen! ( I mean, it doesn't have to be that your both PTSD) Be positive! Achieve your dreams and don't feel like you have to tell everyone about your mental illness on a date. It's a date, not a job interview. It's up to you if you'll have a relationship because you're half of the picture.

Hi, I certainly don't feel like I have to tell people that on dates. I haven't even gotten that far despite reaching out to people and usually being the one to make the first move. Down about rejection, is all. Thanks for your words.

 

[ladee]

Welcome to a place where you are heard @nic711. I'm sorry for what brought you here but glad you took the risk.

It does seem like it's impossible to get the things we need and want when it feels like it's always an uphill climb. But in some ways, your age will help your dreams come true. It is still going to be work. And it's still going to be damned unfair that because of others you have to do this work to have a life worth living. I feel most everyone here understands that part.

Your post resonated with me in the sense I could have written it many years ago if I had had this place, or any place like it, to go to and share and ask for help and support. You are not alone in your feelings and thoughts. And not alone in your wanting a different life.

Very glad to know you are committed to therapy and finding your way on this journey you did not ask to travel.

There is hope. You are an example of hope just by reaching out.

Learning how to have a relationship with ourselves first seems to be some of the answers to your questions. To 'unlearn' the things that have been done to you does not define who you are. Working on finding your true self is not easy. But it is worth it. You are worth it whether it feels that way right now or not.

Take some time to read around the forum. You will find time and again that you are not alone in how you feel, nor alone in your goals. It does make a difference in having support and being part of a larger healing community.

Yes, life gets better. Sometimes it simply gets 'different' until it gets better. But you are not alone.

Glad you are here!

 

[Movingforward10]

Hi @nic711 , welcome! I'm sorry you have experienced those things. You're so brave addressing all of this , even if you don't feel like you are.

As others have said, you're not alone.

 

[I99]

Dude!
This is like my story. Man I totally get where you are coming from. You have been through a horror movie and as your external world just went wrong and you feel powerless over it, so does your internal world too that follows! I have anxiety social anxiety cptsd addictions. I would really recommend this (US based) trauma support group via meetup that starts 6pm on the weekend (11pm here but so worth it). I couple that with therapy and another 12 step programme I work for my addictions which I apply to traumatic memories. Your internal and external world (as hard as it to believe) is in your hands and the world is too big now for anyone to really cause us harm unless we let them. Keep calm and you're doing a great job making yourself vulnerable and searching for help :).

 

[nic00]

Welcome! I'm PTSD and so is boyfriend.. It can happen! ( I mean, it doesn't have to be that your both PTSD) Be positive! Achieve your dreams and don't feel like you have to tell everyone about your mental illness on a date. It's a date, not a job interview. It's up to you if you'll have a relationship because you're half of the picture.

Apologies of my tone came off terse, I appreciate the words and I'm glad to hear that it's possible to have a great relationship with this disorder. Thank you again!

 

[nic00]

Welcome to a place where you are heard @nic711. I'm sorry for what brought you here but glad you took the risk.

It does seem like it's impossible to get the things we need and want when it feels like it's always an uphill climb. But in some ways, your age will help your dreams come true. It is still going to be work. And it's still going to be damned unfair that because of others you have to do this work to have a life worth living. I feel most everyone here understands that part.

Your post resonated with me in the sense I could have written it many years ago if I had had this place, or any place like it, to go to and share and ask for help and support. You are not alone in your feelings and thoughts. And not alone in your wanting a different life.

Very glad to know you are committed to therapy and finding your way on this journey you did not ask to travel.

There is hope. You are an example of hope just by reaching out.

Learning how to have a relationship with ourselves first seems to be some of the answers to your questions. To 'unlearn' the things that have been done to you does not define who you are. Working on finding your true self is not easy. But it is worth it. You are worth it whether it feels that way right now or not.

Take some time to read around the forum. You will find time and again that you are not alone in how you feel, nor alone in your goals. It does make a difference in having support and being part of a larger healing community.

Yes, life gets better. Sometimes it simply gets 'different' until it gets better. But you are not alone.

Glad you are here!

Thank you very much for the kind words of support and solidarity. It's appreciate more than I can put into words. The road ahead seems so impossible to imagine now, but I must remember I'm not the only one venturing it. I will definitely check out that group.
Thank you all again.