Did a part of my soul died or am I getting wiser?

Is it normal to feel that you have lost a part of who you are? After a traumatic event no one can ever be the same. I keep asking myself am I a wiser person because of what I went through or did it kill a part of my soul. Now that I have been through ptsd I understand it better and I see it everywhere and see many men suffering in silence. Around those men I modulate my behavior to be more gentle and non judgmental of their behavior and some who laughed at me for being off work came and opened up to me about their trauma. I was also reading some stuff that said to overcome ptsd you have to become a whole new person. Reading that I'm thinking, well I liked who I was before, I didn't want to change that, maybe tweak a bit but overall I was quite satisfied with who I was. But now I am stuck with this, or feel stuck with it anyway. All these new feelings that were not there before really changed how I do things now. What are your thoughts on this matter.

Cheers.
 
No part of you has died. However, you have changed. Your brain has actually changed due to the trauma. You are now a different person than the one you once were.

Please note that I said you are a different person, not a worse person. Many of us come through trauma to find we have actually become a better version of ourselves.

It sounds as though you are really a compassionate person. Don't forget to have compassion for yourself, too.
 
I hear what you are saying. Thats why some days I feel wiser from that experience and feel it added to who I am rather then taking away from me. But other days for example I can't do karate which I have been practicing for 20yrs now. Its too much sympathetic activation at the moment. I can get myself through a class but I pay for it later. Buzzing feeling, difficulty focussing, sleep is even more affected. You can imagine after 20yrs karate has become a big part of me, its my social group, a way of life. So I find myself asking if its still worth practicing or do I let it go. Letting go means letting go of a big part of me. My goals were to open my own school with my partner but we broke up recently. (Short term with covid it ain't gonna happen anyway) I can still open on my own but more stress. Is there a way I could keep karate in my life and practice it in a way that works for me? Its a hard style art but not impossible I guess just need to get creative or I could learn a soft style like kung fu but there is none where I live.

Other thing I notice is my focus. Focussing for extended period of time just drains me. Didnt used to be a problem before. Have been off work for 2yrs now. Returning to work would probably have to be part time instead of full time. Hard not to feel a loss. Sure I can push myself but I just did that with a 3 months retraining course and it took me 1 month to recover from it. Lots of challenges ahead thats for sure.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Part of my therapy for a time was with a shaman. She did soul retrievals on me quite a bit. It was her claim that trauma was, in fact, a loss of a part of one's soul. Being forced to give it to others in order to survive their abuses. Soul retrievals sounded stupid at first but as I started to understand, my reclaiming the pieces of myself that I was forced to compromise was empowering and incredibly healing. I always noticed a real and positive shift after these therapies.
 
D*
Part of my therapy for a time was with a shaman. She did soul retrievals on me quite a bit. It was her claim that trauma was, in fact, a loss of a part of one's soul. Being forced to give it to others in order to survive their abuses. Soul retrievals sounded stupid at first but as I started to understand, my reclaiming the pieces of myself that I was forced to compromise was empowering and incredibly healing. I always noticed a real and positive shift after these therapies.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Is shamanism part of your culture or were you trying something out for alternative?
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
Reading your post, I could not help but feel, if you are dealing with dissociation just because you said you could not do things you know for sure you could before. So I wonder if you are having dissociation states that are not integrated. So when all is integrated you feel wise and when in dissociation you feel less than before like losing a soul. I am just wondering. If you are in trauma therapy or with an experienced therapy, whom you could explore with. I feel similar sometimes of being wise when fully integrated (not today...) but also other times I feel quite less than something.
 
Reading your post, I could not help but feel, if you are dealing with dissociation just because you said you could not do things you know for sure you could before. So I wonder if you are having dissociation states that are not integrated. So when all is integrated you feel wise and when in dissociation you feel less than before like losing a soul. I am just wondering. If you are in trauma therapy or with an experienced therapy, whom you could explore with. I feel similar sometimes of being wise when fully integrated (not today...) but also other times I feel quite less than something.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am not knowledgeable enough about the full spectrum of dissociation. I am more familiar with severe dissociation disorder such depersonalization and psychotic state which really I have never experienced. It's not that I can't do what I was doing, I have done some karate classes for example, and I cope with the sympathetic activation for the hour that I'm there, but once I get home I notice that I'm very tired feeling from coping with all that. So it leaves me wondering if it still worth it right now to practice the art. My first response is no, it's costing me too much physically and with covid hello no I aint doing group classes. But kissing goodbye an activity that has been part of my life for 20yrs it's a heart break. When that was your coping skill before it's hard to let that go. So I lost my job, lost my relationship, lost my hobby, lost my social group. Sure you can always reinvent yourself, life is not over, but that is alot of f*ckin big losses to deal with... cue anger/sadness/grief. Or will those symptoms ever subside and I'll be able to practice again? Time will tell I guess.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Is shamanism part of your culture or were you trying something out for alternative?
I happened upon a shaman who offered to help me. I was in a fairly bad way at the time. I had no expectations for it at the time and I was quite skeptical but was open to anything at that point. I am happy I was. It helped a ton.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Honestly, it has been the non mainstream stuff that has helped me. EFT, NLP, THC, Shaman's, energy healers. I never would have guessed it before all of this but that has been my experience through all of this.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah, I've done similar. Music, dancing, energy work, TRE- Trauma release exercises, ethnobotanicals, my own "soul retrieval" some of which happened spontaneously, writing-poetry, songwriting, journaling, yoga, spiritual awakening experiences via various learnt techniques of meditation-invocation-intention-visualization, "psychic surgery" lots of singing, going to and working at festivals (in a band), having babies, I haven't been to a Shaman yet, but had incredible results from shamanic plant teacher-allies, meditation retreats in nature, past life recall, again via learnt technique, lots and lots of reading/research, yoga from a young age (sporadic practice though) so, lots of "non mainstream" modalities.
 
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