Did I have a mental break down? Frightening screams while staring at the mirror

[ok_recover]

I've been feeling extreme anxiety, depression with cptsd and dissociative identity disorder. I've been through a lot of sexual trauma, brain injuries, and vulnerable situations. I am amab (assinged male at birth), and sometimes present as female. The other day I was trying to cry to feel better. Presenting as female, it's easier for me to release my emotions. At one point while looking at the mirror, I started to almost sob. I didn't have a flashback have a traumatic event, but was remembering a minor bullying incident. I wailed and yelled, thought I cried but there was no tears. I attached an audio so one can listen. This yelling went on for minutes.. I also have asd so it's difficult for me to pinpoint what exactly I felt, but it was frightening.

<ModEdit> YouTube link removed. Please use Contact Us to discuss. Thanks!

 

[ok_recover]

Edit-just noticed mod removed the link

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you're in a lot of distress at the moment, and it's important we have real life supports when things get overwhelming. Do you have a therapist you can reach out to?

 

[OliveJewel]

while looking at the mirror, I started to almost sob. I didn't have a flashback have a traumatic event, but was remembering a minor bullying incident. I wailed and yelled,

Sounds more like grief to me. Grief can be stored for decades if it is not released.

Interesting to me that presenting as female gives you permission to release emotions.

I blocked my emotions too until I started recovery five years ago. When I first started crying it was in the shower and I would encourage myself to exaggerate it in order to get it all out.

 

[joeylittle]

At one point while looking at the mirror, I started to almost sob. I didn't have a flashback have a traumatic event, but was remembering a minor bullying incident. I wailed and yelled, thought I cried but there was no tears. I attached an audio so one can listen. This yelling went on for minutes.. I also have asd so it's difficult for me to pinpoint what exactly I felt, but it was frightening.

You were upset and expressing yourself, my assumption would be, in the hope that someone would hear and understand your pain. I'm guessing that's also why you recorded it, and tried to post it here.

Speaking bluntly: don't do that again.

Based on what you've written - no, you didn't have a mental breakdown. But that doesn't mean you aren't having a very tough time. You don't need to have a breakdown to earn the right to get yourself some help; just like you don't need a long list of diagnoses for doctors to take you seriously.

All you need is a willingness to try; willingness to allow for the possibility that life doesn't have to be painful all the time.

I think you'd find a lot of us here struggle with that - with the risks that come along with letting oneself have hope, or optimism.

Are you in a part of the world where you have access to mental health support?

 

[Movingforward10]

Well done for letting it out. I often feel like I am screaming on the inside but it can't come out.
You're releasing your pain. It needs to come out.
Nothing wrong in doing that , you're not hurting you or anyone by letting the emotion out by screaming or trying to cry.

 

[ok_recover]

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you're in a lot of distress at the moment, and it's important we have real life supports when things get overwhelming. Do you have a therapist you can reach out to?

Thank you. Unfortunately I don't have access to a therapist now due to my insurance.

Sounds more like grief to me. Grief can be stored for decades if it is not released.

Interesting to me that presenting as female gives you permission to release emotions.

I blocked my emotions too until I started recovery five years ago. When I first started crying it was in the shower and I would encourage myself to exaggerate it in order to get it all out.

Interesting about grief. I should look more into it. I would like to release my emotions more. But sometimes, like in this case, I get a rapid heartrate similar to a panic attack. Did you feel sometime similar?

@joeylittle
Thank you. Unfortunately I don't have access to a therapist at the moment, but that will change in a month or two.

@Movingforward10
Thanks, it did sort of feel like a relief. But there was a also chest pain, so I might have to sometimes tone it down.

 

[OliveJewel]

get a rapid heartrate similar to a panic attack. Did you feel sometime similar?

Definitely had that—grief can change to fear, especially if you have a flashback.

Grief and panic can happen in rather intense ways without a breakdown.

What constitutes a breakdown for you? In my mind it’s a significant shift in the way an individual copes with daily life due to ongoing stressful experiences. An individual might become much more dependent on others.

Glad you will have greater access to therapy in a couple months. There are some resources available for mental health support of people without insurance, depending on where you live. One example is the crisis line. They can talk to you whenever your emotions feel too overwhelming.