Sexual Assault Did my sexual assault really happen or was I just horny and drunk?

Ok, a little long text ahead. (Sorry for my English, my main language is spanish)
Hi I'm Mari, I'm 21 years old and I'm just starting in this whole ptsd, recovery situation.

So almost a month ago, I was celebrating a high school prom with one of who I used to call my best friends. We were drinking and listening to music and dancing, we decided we wanted to get drunk, but nothing has never really happened before so we were comfortable with that idea. We bought some cheap alcohol and started partying.

Things were going sort of ok, and since we were all in our late teenager years or early 20's, we started kissing and heating up things, but everything was with consent until that point.

I started kissing with two friends and yeah, it was ok. A little bit rough with one of them but with the other one it was super super ok.
There was one friend who was super drunk and feel down the stairs and hit his finger, so from that moment one like things went down in sort of a spiral.

We decided to go to bed, everything was ok and normal, I cuddle with one of the guys I kissed because we kind of have like a crush on each other, or used to at least. And I feel sleep because I was sleepy and tired. I don't remember much of time frames as I do from events. So next thing this second guy starts kissing and I froze because he was like twice my size and I don't remember if I kissed back of what but I was paralyzed, I could barely move. He was touching me really agresive, he got my dress up and he started going down, I think...
this first guy wakes up and we kiss, and I don't remember which one of them both was but I remember being masturbated and reacting to someone trying to put his finger inside, because I remember moving and then the first guy put himself in the middle because I was shacking.
But it was far from over, next day I was still much drunk when I woke up and moved to another bed with another friend, and we were just cuddling when he missunderstood it and thought it was sexual, so he went on grabbing my t*ts. So at some point I put his hand on my but the remove it, so I don't know if I was even giving consent or what.

that afternoon I was really really terrified and another friend who was not with me that day was the one that had to tell the others because I wasn't able to do so, I was literally shaking and at first I didn't remember everything.

Next day, one of the guys went again to the house and we talked and I was crushed, terrified and really, really scared.

that weekend went by i started remembering more, so now we kind of knew things were serious, but this girl that was her party, she kind of blames me for it. Because of course, it was her prom of an specially rough year. So the guilt was like all over the place, I didn't wanted to speak not to feel responsible for ruining everybody's life, it sucks when you are not even able to fully remember or when you are victim blamed from those who were supposed to be not only closer, but claims themselves as feminists and advocates from sorority.

I Feel like shit, sometimes I even doubt if I am telling the truth, I feel like a liar, but how can you lie about something you remember, and about something that was THAT kind of uncomfortable.

It is indeed a relief to have found this, I don't feel that alone anymore. I used to think with her I had an incredible support system, but know she just ghosted me and the rest of the group as well, they all pretend it didn't happen and it feels like I was the one that was out and not them...
I Haven't reported it (in colombia, where I am from) the justice in this cases it's just terrible.

The first days i didn't feel anything, but as days go by at least once a day I think about it and I am getting this headaches and nightmares.
Her house is really close to mine, I know I need to go back eventually when I no longer feel frightened by it, I don't want that to define me, but agh honestly, I don't know why people think you can even lie about this. I will do anything in my power to avoid this and that it had never happened.
Plus I don't know how to think about those guys anymore, you just don't think of those who used to be your friends as sudden abusers, when I wasn't even violated.

I Don't have money to pay a weekly therapy, so I am going when I have cash and hopefully as soon as my semester starts I can afford the assault counseling they give in my University. Any tips on the headaches or the nightmares while I am able to go to therapy? Thank you for reading I just needed to vent and know that I am not going insane
 
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Recovery4Me

MyPTSD Pro
but this girl that was her party, she kind of blames me for it. B

Don’t let her opinion of blame be your burden to carry. It is hard enough to deal with what you are going through and best to find out who is really there for you as you go through therapy to heal. Not everyone is equipped to handle such trauma, many cultures as well as biases still hold the female responsible for sexual assault and/or rape. So know, it has been a difficult challenge for centuries.

it sucks when you are not even able to fully remember or when you are victim blamed from those who were supposed to be not only closer, but claims themselves as feminists and advocates from sorority.

Yes, it does suck ^. But consider that you just endured a crime and those blaming perhaps have not had this happen to them. Life may still be all shiny to them. They may be using distancing tactics to keep from feeling their own fears, thoughts of reevaluation of those friend-guys, not wanting to be involved, ect. Time. It takes time for some people to mature or acquire wisdom... give them time.

But you are not alone in this situation. Entire movements such as “me too” have hit global. And to your credit, you found your voice: you want to heal. So courageous.

Any tips on the headaches or the nightmares while I am able to go to therapy

To understand it takes ‘work’ to heal.
To be patient and kind to yourself during your journey as this is not a race.
To develop tools with your T or to read about choice of reactions.
Allow yourself grace, mercy and know...
you are not alone.
me too
 

Recovery4Me

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome to the board.
My post duplicated so I will use this edited space to welcome you to the board. Keep sharing and know we are here.
 
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Welcome to the board.
My post duplicated so I will use this edited space to welcome you to the board. Keep sharing and know we are here.
Thank you ✨ it is really powerful to find courage in yourself and I feel grateful for not being alone and it's like a daily reminder not allow others to put more things to carry inside me
 
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