Samantha_38
Confident
Did you ever purposefully make your abuser mad? Did you give in and just let them hurt you? Did you decide you wanted what they were doing instead of fighting? Instead of leaving?
I was abused at home from very young. Mostly physical abuse, but there was some other types sometimes too. As an early teen I found a 'boyfriend'. He was too old, but it didn't matter to me. He raped me. I went back, and for awhile when he'd continue to try forcing me I fought. I fought really hard. It was painful. I had debilitating injuries on top of other debilitating injuries caused by my dad.
Then I decided to let that boyfriend have sex with me. I don't remember making a definitive decision to do this, but eventually that's what it was. I periodically would tell him I didn't want to, but I didn't fight.
Then that boyfriend left and shortly after I started finding men that were interested, or making older men interested in me, and letting them do what they wanted. Often in return for letting me stay with them or for food, money, etc. I don't consider them rapists, or I didn't. They were older but I looked for it. In my head, "I wanted it".
Around that same time I started completely antagonizing my dad. Anytime we were in public I would push his buttons. 'Jokingly' call him names, but we knew I wasn't joking. I'd put him in places where he had to help me, make him buy me things because other people were around and he couldn't say no without looking like 'the bad guy'. He always wanted to be the perfect 'dad' in front of others. At home I was worse. I'd swear at him, disobey, even tell him to hit me. That has always been confusing to me, but now I'm wondering if it was because making him hit me was somehow, in my mind then, not 'real' abuse.
So until recently I think that's where all of these things were defined in my head. "My fault. I wanted them. I asked for them. They didn't hurt me. I made them hurt me. If anything, I hurt myself. That was up until I was talking through one of these events with my T and between what he said and what I said, it came to light that I really did feel forced by one of these men.
I have not been doing well emotionally since then and I think its not only that it feels like I was just now forced by this one guy, but I feel like all of these situations are so similar that I was then forced way more times than I ever consider. Feels like somehow I was just forced 25+ times within the last week, even though its been over 10 years since any of this happened.
I was abused at home from very young. Mostly physical abuse, but there was some other types sometimes too. As an early teen I found a 'boyfriend'. He was too old, but it didn't matter to me. He raped me. I went back, and for awhile when he'd continue to try forcing me I fought. I fought really hard. It was painful. I had debilitating injuries on top of other debilitating injuries caused by my dad.
Then I decided to let that boyfriend have sex with me. I don't remember making a definitive decision to do this, but eventually that's what it was. I periodically would tell him I didn't want to, but I didn't fight.
Then that boyfriend left and shortly after I started finding men that were interested, or making older men interested in me, and letting them do what they wanted. Often in return for letting me stay with them or for food, money, etc. I don't consider them rapists, or I didn't. They were older but I looked for it. In my head, "I wanted it".
Around that same time I started completely antagonizing my dad. Anytime we were in public I would push his buttons. 'Jokingly' call him names, but we knew I wasn't joking. I'd put him in places where he had to help me, make him buy me things because other people were around and he couldn't say no without looking like 'the bad guy'. He always wanted to be the perfect 'dad' in front of others. At home I was worse. I'd swear at him, disobey, even tell him to hit me. That has always been confusing to me, but now I'm wondering if it was because making him hit me was somehow, in my mind then, not 'real' abuse.
So until recently I think that's where all of these things were defined in my head. "My fault. I wanted them. I asked for them. They didn't hurt me. I made them hurt me. If anything, I hurt myself. That was up until I was talking through one of these events with my T and between what he said and what I said, it came to light that I really did feel forced by one of these men.
I have not been doing well emotionally since then and I think its not only that it feels like I was just now forced by this one guy, but I feel like all of these situations are so similar that I was then forced way more times than I ever consider. Feels like somehow I was just forced 25+ times within the last week, even though its been over 10 years since any of this happened.