T
Teleute
I was drunk at a party. My boyfriend was with me. I'm an open, friendly person. I'm talking and laughing with everyone because they're all my friends. This is a safe place.
There's a guy there. He's my friend. I look up to him. He's taught me a lot about photography. He's helped me refine my skills. Months ago, when I was single, he alluded to us dating. I made it clear in a joking way that I wasn't interested- "it would never work. You're so good I would be jealous and plot to kill you to take your power." Things like that.
There have been rumors of inappropriate contact/situations with him. I brushed them off. He's my friend. Yeah, sometimes his hugs run a little long. Yeah, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. But I owe him a lot. He's not trying to make me feel uncomfortable. That's just the way he is. I feel bad when it makes me uncomfortable.
At the end of the party. I hug people and say goodbye. I go up to him and hug him and his hands lock around my waist. His mouth is on mine and then his tongue is in my mouth.
I can't believe it's happening. I freeze. I don't do anything. I just let it happen. I'm not thinking straight. I don't think I'm thinking at all. I'm... away. I'm away in my head. Just let it happen. Just let it happen and then it'll be over and how can he do this he's my friend i can't believe this is happening.
He lets me go. I grab my stuff and leave. My boyfriend is furious. I can't breathe. I keep walking. He asks me what just happened. I can't form sentences. I say "What...happened." I need to get away. I just need to get away from that moment. He keeps asking me questions and I'm sobbing and I don't know what to do. I'm sitting on the ground in the parking lot and I can't breathe. I can't believe someone I trusted did this. And behind it all- what did I do? What did I do that made him think that was ok? I've turned him down multiple times. I'm there with my boyfriend. Why is this happening?
My boyfriend is struggling with what happened. He saw a guy kissing me and me not do anything about it. I didn't struggle. I didn't even say anything. I was just there kissing a guy. I tried to tell him my thought process- in that, there wasn't one. I froze. I'm away. I'm away as far as I can be in my head. Because that's what I used to do when that happened before. When I was little. When there was no one to help me.
I don't want to share my life story here. I thought I was over the things that had happened to me. But in the moment, the shock of it, the alcohol, I just...blanked out. And I need to know if anyone understands what happened. I need to know that this has happened before. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself for not doing anything. I've ruined my life. I've lost the trust of the person I care about the most in the world. He'll never look at me the same. Even if we somehow get past this, he'll always think that I'm weak. Or damaged. That I can't take care of myself.
I just...need to know that it happens.
There's a guy there. He's my friend. I look up to him. He's taught me a lot about photography. He's helped me refine my skills. Months ago, when I was single, he alluded to us dating. I made it clear in a joking way that I wasn't interested- "it would never work. You're so good I would be jealous and plot to kill you to take your power." Things like that.
There have been rumors of inappropriate contact/situations with him. I brushed them off. He's my friend. Yeah, sometimes his hugs run a little long. Yeah, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. But I owe him a lot. He's not trying to make me feel uncomfortable. That's just the way he is. I feel bad when it makes me uncomfortable.
At the end of the party. I hug people and say goodbye. I go up to him and hug him and his hands lock around my waist. His mouth is on mine and then his tongue is in my mouth.
I can't believe it's happening. I freeze. I don't do anything. I just let it happen. I'm not thinking straight. I don't think I'm thinking at all. I'm... away. I'm away in my head. Just let it happen. Just let it happen and then it'll be over and how can he do this he's my friend i can't believe this is happening.
He lets me go. I grab my stuff and leave. My boyfriend is furious. I can't breathe. I keep walking. He asks me what just happened. I can't form sentences. I say "What...happened." I need to get away. I just need to get away from that moment. He keeps asking me questions and I'm sobbing and I don't know what to do. I'm sitting on the ground in the parking lot and I can't breathe. I can't believe someone I trusted did this. And behind it all- what did I do? What did I do that made him think that was ok? I've turned him down multiple times. I'm there with my boyfriend. Why is this happening?
My boyfriend is struggling with what happened. He saw a guy kissing me and me not do anything about it. I didn't struggle. I didn't even say anything. I was just there kissing a guy. I tried to tell him my thought process- in that, there wasn't one. I froze. I'm away. I'm away as far as I can be in my head. Because that's what I used to do when that happened before. When I was little. When there was no one to help me.
I don't want to share my life story here. I thought I was over the things that had happened to me. But in the moment, the shock of it, the alcohol, I just...blanked out. And I need to know if anyone understands what happened. I need to know that this has happened before. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself for not doing anything. I've ruined my life. I've lost the trust of the person I care about the most in the world. He'll never look at me the same. Even if we somehow get past this, he'll always think that I'm weak. Or damaged. That I can't take care of myself.
I just...need to know that it happens.