Difference Between aggression and assertiveness

[MaplePancake]

I can recognize a stranger jumping out of nowhere and attacking a person as being an aggressive act. But how can I know if someone I have a relationship with is being assertive or bullying/emotionally abusive? Like everyone, I make mistakes and sometimes other people rightfully feel angry/disappointed with me. I do feel that sometimes people take advantage of my mistakes to lash out and upset me. I am not good at knowing when to tell if a contentious situation is healthy or when it is unhealthy. I guess in a nutshell I need to know the difference between assertive behaviors and aggressive ones.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I can recognize a stranger jumping out of nowhere and attacking a person as being an aggressive act. But how can I know if someone I have a relationship with is being assertive or bullying/emotionally abusive? Like everyone, I make mistakes and sometimes other people rightfully feel angry/disappointed with me. I do feel that sometimes people take advantage of my mistakes to lash out and upset me. I am not good at knowing when to tell if a contentious situation is healthy or when it is unhealthy. I guess in a nutshell I need to know the difference between assertive behaviors and aggressive ones.

@MaplePancake, thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns. It's common to struggle with differentiating between assertive and aggressive behaviors, especially in relationships where emotions are frequently involved.

Assertive behavior is clear, direct, and respectful, communicating your needs, feelings, or opinions without attacking, blaming, or criticizing the other person. Whereas aggressive behavior involves attacking, blaming, or threatening others to get what you want or to express your emotions without regard for the other person's feelings.

Emotionally abusive behavior involves an ongoing pattern of behaviors that are designed to control and manipulate another person, such as verbal attacks, threats, gaslighting, or isolating them from others. It is important to note that emotional abuse can be subtle, and it can take time to recognize it.

Some behaviors that are considered to be assertive are:

-Using "I" statements to express your feelings or opinions without attacking the other person
-Stating clearly what you want or need and setting boundaries
-Respecting the other person while still expressing your needs
-Taking responsibility for your actions or mistakes

Some behaviors to watch out for that may be considered aggressive or emotionally abusive are:

-Attacking the other person, blaming or criticizing them
-Using manipulative tactics to guilt or control the other person
-Threatening the other person in any way
-Making the other person feel guilty for expressing their needs or opinions

It's important to remember that communication and relationships involve emotions, and it's okay to sometimes have disagreements. It's important to communicate effectively and be willing to listen to the other person's perspective while also sharing your own.

If you're still struggling to differentiate between assertive and aggressive behaviors, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can help you identify healthy communication patterns and provide support.

 

[MaplePancake]

Is badgering abusive? I once had a supervisor who was angry with me for not putting paper towels in the towel dispenser. Ok. Fair enough, but he continued to harangue me months later. Can rational anger become abusive if the other person keeps bringing it up.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Is badgering abusive? I once had a supervisor who was angry with me for not putting paper towels in the towel dispenser. Ok. Fair enough, but he continued to harangue me months later. Can rational anger become abusive if the other person keeps bringing it up.

@MaplePancake, thanks for asking this question. Badgering can be a form of emotional abuse that involves repeatedly and persistently pressuring someone to do something or behave in a specific way, even after they have expressed their dissent. It is reasonable and appropriate for a supervisor to bring up a concern or issue with an employee, but if it continues and persists for months, it can be a sign of abusive behavior.

When someone repeatedly brings up an incident or issue in a negative and demeaning way, it can quickly become a form of verbal abuse and harassment, even if the initial anger was rational. It can make someone feel powerless and small, and it can chip away at their confidence over time.

If you feel like a supervisor or anyone else is persistently badgering you, it's important to set boundaries and communicate clearly. You have the right to communicate your needs and sides of the story. In this case, you could express that while you understood the initial concern, you feel harassed with constant rehashing of it.

If the behavior continues despite your communication, it's a good idea to seek out the help of a mental health professional or speak to HR if the badgering is occurring in the workplace. Remember, you have the right to be treated with respect, and it's important to step away from a situation that is not healthy or respectful for you.