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Sufferer Difficult childhood, abandonment, former gang member, now in recovery

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AricRiley

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Well... I dont know where to start really... About a year ago my family talked ne into getting some help... My life has been rough from about 4 years old and still messed up and I turn 30 next month. My mother abandoned me in Denver, CO when I was 9 years old. I learned everything I know on the streets from then on. No schooling no anything. I was jumped into a gang close to my 10th birthday and then in my opinion life became fun. I had always new clothes, shoes, food, and a roof over my head... The things I was asked to do I will never tell a soul but it never ended well. A lot of people were hurt and a lot of people are gone. When I was 15 I was put in charge of my own crew and ran 10 city blocks... The decisions that came with that were no easier then before but I was trapped and in love with them streets. At 16 a hit was put out for me and I almost died. My girlfriend at the time was shot and killed I was shot 4 times. I should have died and to this day wish I did... Her face never leaves my mind and neither do people ive hurt... I then ran to where I am now and tried and honestly tried to get my life together but I was to far gone. I started a new crew smaller but loyal. We started robbing drug dealers in nearby states. Never in my home state. Then 3 months after i turned 20 I was high on pcp and stabbed a man stole his car and his money. Went to prison sentenced to 10 years but got out in 3. There was no better. My 3rd day in I was stabbed 7 times. 1 inch to the right and they would have pierced my heart. A lot has happened in my life that I can not get out of my head. In groups I get nervous that people want to attack me. I have very violent outburst that end up in fights. The thing that worrys my family the most... Is I love it... I love the violence and miss the life. Being hit or hitting someone makes me feel alive. But I have 2 children and i want to change for them. But talking to docs dont do anything. One even told me he wouldnt know where ro begin because he has never dealt with someone like me... So im here hoping to find someone who has been close to where ive been and has even a little advice for me to help slow the visions, the noise, and the thoughts. They have tried medicine but none have never worked. Im just lost.
 
Being abandoned to the streets at 9 years old is massive developmental trauma. That's horrible. While I don't condone what you did to end up in prison, being stabbed is also trauma. PTSD and trauma in the prison population is vastly undertreated and it leaves many stuck in the cycle of abuse and continuing to act out with violence. You can break free of this cycle though.
So im here hoping to find someone who has been close to where ive been and has even a little advice for me to help slow the visions, the noise, and the thoughts.
Can you describe this more? Have you been diagnosed with PTSD specifically?

It's wonderful you want to change for your kiddos. Don't lose sight of that. They need you to be their role model, and I think you can rise to this challenge.

You became an expert on surviving with violence. Rage can be addicting on a biochemical level. When you describe hitting others as helping you feel alive... what do you mean by "more alive"? How do you feel when you don't act on it?

You will have to learn to ride the wave of emotions and the urge, the draw, to respond with violence, and go another way. It's about riding the wave of the emotion, and finding a different way to cope with it and get through it that is more effective than outbursts and aggression.

You'll have to become an expert on noticing the rise of anger long before it gets to an outburst or a fight, and get really good at trigger management. It's doable. DBT might be a really useful tool in this regard. It will help you gain some tools to manage the fight part of any fight or flight responses.

Are you working with a therapist? Medical docs are good, but you need more than meds.

Welcome to the forums!
 
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, bipolar, and a sociopath.
When saying I feel alive is what I mean lol. When Im not in full rage mode i feel dead empty. I wear a great mask in public. Shoot a grin here and there laugh at a stupid joke I dont understand but everyone around me feels like an enemy so while I watch the room get a feel for everyone in it its like Im watching a movie. They say I dont know love or compassion or thing of the sorts and its hard to argue that. Ive worked with 5 therapists so far. One said he couldnt help me and the others were just there. Sure they know what thev have read in books but what they have to say most of the time foesnt relate to me.
The problem is 90% of the time i know when the anger is coming. I know it because I feel something. Like a child would on Christmas getting that new toy he asked Santa for. Most times I don't try to fight it or to cover it up. I embrace it. Because like I said it makes me feel alive. When I get into a fight and get it. Its like it is letting me know I really am here. Im not watching a movie anymore. I keep myself in check and wear my mask around my kids during visitation. I throw the grins at other parents at the park. But it kills me to be there.
Ive only had anger and violence in my life. And without it scares me. Quite scares me. When things are not load im more worried then not because it feels like someone is watching waiting for me to slip up and that may be the last time I slip. I dont sleep because its like someone is screaming in my head or sometimes I see things that arnt there. Like someone cussing at me provoking me to fight. The therapists say its my mind creating a situation to make me happy. I dont understand it at all ya know? To me that life was normal. Anger kept me alive through some of the darkest times in my life. And trying to stop after so long is something im having a very hard time understanding.
 
Welcome. Maybe shift your emphasis toward "But I have 2 children and i want to change for them" and use the personal discipline you had to have had to live the life to your recovery and symptom management. Model for your children how to transcend adversity and how to change, grow and thrive.

Please don't drop the ball on your new therapist, that's gonna be invaluable... but there is a lot of info here and articles on the home page and in the archives. The forum is kinda skewed men to women (more women participants) but there are some men who participate here.
 
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Ya ive been looking through some of the posts. Its kinda hard to read a lot of them... Even through all of my violence I have never laid a hand on a women... And I start feeling so angry reading some of the stuff here to where I grit my teeth. But I want to change I do but I also want to know first why is my thought process wrong. Why are these feelings wrong... The world I grew up in and seen... It was never wrong... And I feel dumb for asking that question because when I ask it people just keep saying Youre old enough to know right from wrong. But thats not the problem here... At least I dont think... Lol I dont know. Ive only learned of treatment and how bad my problem really is a year or so ago... My family wants me to be fixed now but theres no way... I dont even understand whats wrong with me.
 
Just so as ya know, Anthony's post on MyPTSD - Reading Forum Increases Symptoms!
There may be some topics or forum sub areas you might not want to expose yourself to because for the moment, you aren't managed or in treatment. The home page article section is more generic. Link Removed Also, if you care to you can start a member trauma diary for more specific issues without putting it all out on the general forum. Members only are able to read it.
 
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Your thoughts and feelings aren't wrong, , because that is all you have known. Just as a multiple rape victim feels acting out sexually is normal... that part I know first hand. I Know for me, a lot of time had to be spent 'unlearning'..... in other words, knowing those feelings are there, sometimes, many times, acted on those feelings.... but somewhere along the line, I was aware , very aware of the feelings and thoughts, and started doing the new things I was being taught to stop acting out..
It was weird, felt phony, if I felt anything at all, and just did not feel right in any shape form or fashion.... but I did have to practice the opposite behaviors until something started to take root and grow...
For someone who says he is not educated, you are very articulate in expressing yourself...very honest about your life, and honest about wanting a different life for you and your kids....the things you have learned and did on the streets will never leave you... that is the only way we knew to survive... and fitting into 'society' will never ever feel 'normal'.... That wasn't my goal anyway, to fit into society... I wanted to feel human and stop resorting to the things I knew....
I left home at 14 and lived with and was 'raised' by bikers.... but I was the 'baby' so I was protected... didn't mean I didn't have to fight for what I wanted or needed... respect was first on that list....and survival.... at all cost. Pretty much all of us relate to your level of hyper vigilance.... but for different situations that was our life.... women are hyper vigilant about any man they see or meet.... who is the 'bad guy'??.... and for many years it was normal, now it is exhausting to be 'on' all the time'.... but I am still vigilant.... it just isn't my first feeling now.
Maybe going to a gym and working out on a bag will help with that feeling of needing to feel alive while hitting.... and no one will get hurt... and besides, it works off a lot of negative energy we don't even realize we carry....

I see nothing but hope for you... something I feel deep in my gut... because staying away from the street is hard.... if that's all we know.... so your feelings and thoughts aren't wrong, it's when we act on them and cause our self or someone else pain that it becomes wrong... not so much about society's rights and wrongs, but about our own sense of right and wrong... and try not to get too hung up on that.... we live in the world, we are going to be judged.... and I'm sure you are tatted up.... and anyone that knows anything about real life, knows what some of them mean.... but that is your body art... your expression of self....

You may not find a therapist that truly understand where you have been and how you feel or felt, but you will learn how to live and act in a way that will help you to feel again.... I know that dead feeling.... only when I was raging did I feel alive.... but we shut down what we can't control... the loneliness, the abandonment, the fear, the wanting to belong somewhere.....

It took some awesome courage for you to come here and share... and get vulnerable.... you are in the right place.... not all will relate to all of your life, but we will relate to situations and outcomes .....

You have a purpose..... someday, you are going to be there for kids trying to get out of the life, and you will have the skills to guide them in another direction, because you are living proof of change..... not in a day, but in time.... and you will have patience you didn't know you own.... I am so happy you are here.... and so glad you reached out.... there may be a mentor waiting for you, you just haven't found them yet... but you will.... I hear it in your words.... you will have a life you are proud of.... welcome.
 
But I want to change I do but I also want to know first why is my thought process wrong. Why are these feelings wrong... The world I grew up in and seen... It was never wrong...
There are many thought processes childhood trauma survivors develop that seem so accurate and true, and they work, for a time, to survive. It takes time to see they are not actually effective as adults. That generally the journey with many mental health conditions. My bipolar family member thought being manic was normal. It took time before she could see for herself it wasn't. It's hard to sort out, but hang in there for the long haul, and it gets easier.

There are many threads and posts here on distorted thinking (can be found using the search tool), a whole sub-forum on core beliefs that you might want to check out. I agree with @The Albatross's recommendation to be careful about triggering yourself with too many threads about trauma. Look for ones about skills and thoughts.

A better way to look at it might be to consider if these thoughts and behaviors are working for you. Is it creating the life you want to have? Or is it creating problems in relationships? It appears these thoughts and the violence may have "worked" to survive as a young kid, but they also led you to see and participate in perpetrating trauma on others and you ended up in prison where you nearly died. This way of interacting with the world may have helped you live as a kid, but is not working now. You very life and freedom is at risk of being taken from you if you go back down that path.

It also creates trauma for there when you hit them. I think you get that when it comes to women, but it applies to men who are hit too. You yourself know what it's like to get for your life.

Not only are there negative consequences for violence, you are missing out on soooo much good. If you didn't respond with violence but found other ways to manage emotions, you could be an even better father to your kids and other relationships will likely improve. It may even open up doors to eventually feel love and give love again.

Anger is simply an emotion. It's not right or wrong. You feel what you feel. Emotions are simply physical sensations in the body that are a response to our thoughts.

Emotions are useful, but they are not factual.

What matters is what you do with them. Having bipolar disorder and sociopathy in the mix is going to make it a little more complicated, and all the more important to stick it out in therapy. Don't be switching around just because one doesn't make sense right away. It took months to years before I really understood what my therapists were telling me. Therapy isn't s sprint. It's a long haul journey. Go back.

Has anyone looked at an attachment disorder playing a role? Not being able to feel love sometimes happens for others who are abandoned by primary caregivers at young ages. It can change.

I can't quite speak to what the therapists explained about your visions at night and it being a way your brain is creating a happy place. Do I ask them more about what they meant. If you don't understand what they're saying, ask them to explain. I do think it's a really good sign that you can notice when the anger rises. Go back to therapy and apply any tools they give you. If they are not giving you homework each week, or they are not giving you suggestions and things to work on outside of sessions then ask for that.
 
Being open and honest has never been an issue lol. A lot of the time most people dont like to hear what I have to say. But there are a lot of things ill never be able to talk about to anyone. Because it will close a door where ill never be able to get out. I was sexually assualted though by a few men in exchange for drugs for my mom from 4 to 9. I dont really remember much about it and i think its a very good thing I dont remember. But one day I snapped and my moms boyfriend at the time gave her a choice. Either he leaves or she makes me leave... And she choose him
I guess ya that could be why emotions like love and things could no longer be there. My ex that was killed was the only person I have let close. She went through way more stuff then me growing up but some how had time to try and help me. She was more worried about me.
Ya ive got some tats... But they tell my story... My back is my most important piece. My name is Aric and my ancestors are Scandinavians. My name means Noble Commander or if you lok other places it means Sacred Ruler. So while in prision I got a tattoo done of a viking standing on a cliff with people bowing down on the bottom... On these peoples back are symbols and signs of things I have ruled or conquered. Death is one of those signs. Some have drugs and other things like that. My arms are tatted with street names and people who died and people ive lets say hurt.
To my education ive always been smart able to pick up on things easy. Math came with the territory. Being around "Old Schools" before and in prison they taught me a lot. And I also got my GED while in prision.
I never got rid of my therapists. With the insurance I have they always switched me around. There is literally only one place I can go. Ive never had the choice. But people have told me I should mentor kids... But pfft I am a long way from that. Standing in a line at Wal-Mart takes so much energy to not flip out I couldnt imagine infront of people and talking to them.
The respect thing that you mentioned hit home. It something a lot of people do not have and thats when I flip out the most. Like a guy at walmart in his early 20s hit me with his cart I said my bad and moved on while wishing he would say something because I know it was an accident whatever. But he did say something "Next time move out my way." I turned around and open hand slapped him so hard. He went to his knees crying... Its just crazy to me people live like that. I dont go looking to hurt just anyone because I know I can fight from 9 to just last year I have fought. But to be so flat out disrespectful was something that was never tolerated. So its very hard to not hit someone when they say things or do things. Growing up it was grounds to get stomped. And I learned that at a very young age. That your mouth can get you in a lot more hurt then your actions. Prison was no different. So trying to be in the "normal" world is hard. I try hard to let things go but I still hear that guys voice like its echoing in my mind. And this was a few years ago. Because things in the street and in "normal life" settings are way to different.
I use to go to the gym. I even cage fought a lot when I got out of prison. During a match I was kneed in the forehead and fell out unconscious. I woke up in an ambulance blood was running out my eyes, ears, and nose. The doctor said one more fight could be my last fight. That my head has taken so much of a beating he doesnt understand how I move and talk properly. And I can see that. I have a punching bag and a small working out station in my house. But i rarely use it lol.
My kids... They will have a great life though with or without me... My daughters mom is in the military. We dont talk at all because I left her high and dry with our kid 11 years ago. She said she was going to kill me if I tried to get custody of our daughter. Her birthday is coming up in a few days (my daughters) and she wants me to take her to a beach next to the ocean. Her mom said its cool as did our case worker who both will have to come along. Not feeling to good about that honestly but we will see.
My son his mom is a drug addict. Bad... She tried to sell him once... He turned 3 a few months back. But ya she tried to trade him for drugs. Luckily it was to a undercover and he shut that down quick. I have never hit a woman in my life never came close until that moment... I wanted her dead ya know. Because all the sudden I seen my moms face on her and what I went through with that. I came close to going off on her but I couldnt... I cant hit a woman. I would protect myself from one sure but never hit. Anyway he lives with a very very very rich and nice family. Who lets me have supervised visitation with him every 2 weeks. I know ill never take him back but its cool that I can see him.
 
I knew your tats were your story.... and that is a good thing.... it's your story... betcha soccer moms have a few stories themselves.... but they drive a mini van... their stories are 'secrets', and there is a big difference....

Like @leehalf said, maybe anger management will help you... that is also retraining .... and if you've done it before... do it again... you may be more ready and open to it now...

And you will find that many here can barely deal with the injustice in this world....and there is a lot of it... some things we can do something about, some we can not.... and because we have traveled the paths we have, we know about the dark side of life and what goes on there and what it takes to survive....

And you may be a long way from there teaching kids, but it is an option.... doesn't mean it won't happen....

Just really glad you are here..... and have you thought about getting a service dog??? They are life savers..... many here have service dogs.... some they have trained themselves.... they detect when you are building up and alert you.... might want to research that and give it a look see...

There are answers... there is help besides or along side therapy.... and this forum is full of information.... and support....and if nothing else... start a journal or diary, and yes, men here have them too... if for nothing else, when you feel yourself start to brew, and I know it happens fast, but maybe that few minutes you take to vent what is happening to bring you to that point ,will help slow you down..... we have a gazillion things we do to rechannel what is going on that is not working for us anymore....

Have a great day with your daughter.... and very happy your son is safe, and will have a different life... and you must be doing a lot of things right too, you get to see your kids..... that speaks volumes about who trusts you.... so, hope we see you around....
 
Thanks. Ya i have about 20+ anger management completion certificates somewhere from court ordered classes. One as recently as 3 months ago. Ive tried inpatient treatment but made me feel like I was back in prison but worse because the other people there were more unpredictable.
Honestly I never expected to be alive this long... Hell even my Grandma has said she never thought id see 18. My "future plans and goals" never exceeded past 21. I thought i would have died well before then. And should have more then a few times. So I think thats where its hardest... In my mind my life was already over. Where I was raised we didnt live past 16 or 17. When I did i made plans for a fun next few years. I made a lot of money doing things I did. A lot was reposed when I went to prison for lack of proff of taxes and purchase and all. But I own my own house. I have a couple cars. And I dont have to really work another day in my life... But I do... I fix cars. I have my own buisness type thing but not really a thing lol. Because I always have to be busy... When they said Idle hands are the devils playground they were directing towards me it feels like.
The courts gave me visitation with my daughter because I was willing to pay child support and I think thats the only reason. Her mom fought long and hard against it and im glad it worked out. But whats sad about it the most is... This is were its hard to say because I feel disgusted saying it.... I dont know if I love my kids... Like I know if someone hurts them... Not going to happen. But when Im with them or see them they are like everyone else to me ya know. And its not their fault and I know its not mine. I have tried to argue with myself about it for so long telling myself or course you love them blah blah blah... But I dont have that feeling... I would love to know what it feels like to love for someone... To care... To smile at certain things I see people smile about. But its like I dont understand why that something made people smile. When I got out of prison a lot of people would have been relieved... Not me... It was just a normal day. And my Grandma pointed that out... She said I talked like it wasnt a big deal and shes right. To me it wasnt...
I think thats whats making this so hard... Im missing those feelings and it makes me angrier. How can I fix something that I dont know if it ever was there?
But I thank you all for the welcome and the advice... I like this a little better because I dont see judgements on your faces when you read my things. If you do you do if you dont you dont.... That not knowing is way better then watching a therapist's eyes widen or he shakes nervously when wanting to talk about my past... It amazes me how confused and lost people are about a world not a few blocks from where they live. I know a lot of people will never understand what makes me think and act this way. But its interesting to hear a lot of people may have went through different traumas then me but we ended up with the same problems...
 
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