Well... I dont know where to start really... About a year ago my family talked ne into getting some help... My life has been rough from about 4 years old and still messed up and I turn 30 next month. My mother abandoned me in Denver, CO when I was 9 years old. I learned everything I know on the streets from then on. No schooling no anything. I was jumped into a gang close to my 10th birthday and then in my opinion life became fun. I had always new clothes, shoes, food, and a roof over my head... The things I was asked to do I will never tell a soul but it never ended well. A lot of people were hurt and a lot of people are gone. When I was 15 I was put in charge of my own crew and ran 10 city blocks... The decisions that came with that were no easier then before but I was trapped and in love with them streets. At 16 a hit was put out for me and I almost died. My girlfriend at the time was shot and killed I was shot 4 times. I should have died and to this day wish I did... Her face never leaves my mind and neither do people ive hurt... I then ran to where I am now and tried and honestly tried to get my life together but I was to far gone. I started a new crew smaller but loyal. We started robbing drug dealers in nearby states. Never in my home state. Then 3 months after i turned 20 I was high on pcp and stabbed a man stole his car and his money. Went to prison sentenced to 10 years but got out in 3. There was no better. My 3rd day in I was stabbed 7 times. 1 inch to the right and they would have pierced my heart. A lot has happened in my life that I can not get out of my head. In groups I get nervous that people want to attack me. I have very violent outburst that end up in fights. The thing that worrys my family the most... Is I love it... I love the violence and miss the life. Being hit or hitting someone makes me feel alive. But I have 2 children and i want to change for them. But talking to docs dont do anything. One even told me he wouldnt know where ro begin because he has never dealt with someone like me... So im here hoping to find someone who has been close to where ive been and has even a little advice for me to help slow the visions, the noise, and the thoughts. They have tried medicine but none have never worked. Im just lost.