Difficult Situation

Status
Not open for further replies.

CeePee93

New Here
What a horrible situation I'm in.
Right then, imagine I've been a heavy cannabis smoker for 14 years on and off, I'm 27 now.
I've been spending most of that time with a toxic family member/cousin, to get high. I couldn't roll spliffs, so my cousin done it for me.
Anyway, I've finally decided to quit and I don't want to see my cousin anymore.
Its not just because I've quit weed, its also because he's not a very nice person, at all.
The only reason he used to hang around with me in the first place, was to get high. There was no like for each other there, just using each other I guess to get high.
I've brought new jackets in the past and I've noticed big bogeys smudged into them, he's burned my carpet when I've told him to be careful because I like my carpet and value it. He never respected my room and left it messy after he left. He doesn't say he's at mine when somebody phones, he always lies and says his at his "mates". He only comes to my house for a quick for 10-15 minutes to get high (when it suits him). I show him something to look at on the internet, its shit. I ask him to have a go on the Xbox, he doesn't want to play because the games shit. I've had enough off him!

Here's the problem, he has a two year old daughter that's close with my mom and I told my mom now that I've quit and heavy into personal development, I don't want to see him anymore and she's got to cover for me. I've asked her to say I've gone my dads for a month or I'm not here, but here's the problem.. she won't do it! Its not just because of the weed its because of his unlikability. I want to be around good people, you know? He's a coke addict on top, which I want nothing to do with. Anyway, my mom is close with his daughter and refuses to cover for me on the phone. She knows how unhappy the guy makes me and I told her the only reason she's close with his daughter in the first place, is because she's a product of me and my cousins heavy smoking habits. I told her she needs to be sacrificed because she only comes round with my cousin. I have no problem with his daughter by the way, she's a nice little girl, but in my opinion, she's a wedge between me and my mom/cousin. Its not her fault obviously, her dad has created it.

Anyway, I'm thinking about going to live with my dad for a bit, who I'm not particularly close with. My mom agreed to help cover for me, but she literally betrayed me the first time he rang. He comes round a lot usually, probably 3-4 times a week. My dad's home is a downgrade and its not a nice as my moms, but I'm thinking it might be necessary to grow and succeed. I know your probably thinking just tell him you don't like it, but I'm not that cold. I'd rather just avoid him, instead.

In my opinion, I'm thinking well done, this is the best thing you've decided to do in a long time, cut out a toxic person, but my mom is making it difficult for me.. so maybe she needs to be cut out too? Let me know what you guys think, thank you for reading or any advice below.

P.S I understand I'm being cold and selfish, but why spend time with someone your not happy with and toxic? My mom could always see his daughter somewhere else, but this home is problematic because she always comes with my cousin. My mom has completely f*cking betrayed me and made me realize that maybe its better for me to be out the area.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @CeePee93, welcome to the site. I think it's good that you've decided to quit cannabis and stop hanging out with someone that you've realised you want to move on from. When we decide to change things in our life there can be a danger of changing everything. Don't make that mistake with your mum. Maybe going to live with your dad for a while could be good. Some time to think about what you want to do with your life. Some self development. I play Xbox aswell, what kind of games do you like playing?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Or:
You've made a healthy decision for yourself to stop taking drugs and stop spending time with someone that doesn't help you.
And your mum is supporting you with that, but also wants to live her life and make her own decisions about who she sees.

Do you think you can say to your cousin: "I'm stopping smoking weed so that means I need to stop seeing you for a while?".
What is stopping you from saying something like that, and instead making you want your mum to lie and cover for you?

Sounds like that two year old needs your mum if her Dad is smoking weed with you. That two year old has no choices. You do. And your Mum doesm just happens, your Mum is making choices that you don't want her too. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you or care for you.
 

CeePee93

New Here
Thank you for your comment.
It would me a lot easier if I did tell him that yes, but I kind of haven't got the bottle to say that to be honest. If I did say that to him, my mom would be angry with me and he obviously he would be as well, I prefer the avoiding approach. I understand my mom does love me of course, but she doesn't want to stop seeing his daughter, which I understand must be painful for her.. but in my opinion its a sacrifice. She can always go her sisters or my cousins, to see her. I think I'm going to move to my dad's anyway, which is f*cking shit. Imagine being forced to move out of your own home, just because your mom favours a distant relative over her own son. I guess you've got to do, what you've got to do. I told my mom I don't want to be fake, by being forced to conversate with him. I don't want to be in that position, you know what I'm trying to say. I'd rather keep it real, without being in contact with him. All of this hassle for trying to better myself lol.
 

CeePee93

New Here
Hi @CeePee93, welcome to the site. I think it's good that you've decided to quit cannabis and stop hanging out with someone that you've realised you want to move on from. When we decide to change things in our life there can be a danger of changing everything. Don't make that mistake with your mum. Maybe going to live with your dad for a while could be good. Some time to think about what you want to do with your life. Some self development. I play Xbox aswell, what kind of games do you like playing?
Hello Survivor 3, thank you for your message. And yeh, I think thats what I'm going to do, just go there for a few weeks maybe months, and see how I feel/what the situation is. And all sorts mate lol. GTA, Assassins Creed, Batman, Fifa, most games with a good story. Wat about yourself?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
told my mom I don't want to be fake, by being forced to conversate with him. I don't want to be in that position, you know what I'm trying to say. I'd rather keep it real, without being in contact with him. All of this hassle for trying to better myself lol.
You don't have to be fake.
You have loads of choices about how you handle this.i.e. ask your mum when is he coming over, and be out when he does.
Be honest and tell him you can't see him right now as you have quit weed.
Be in when he comes over, but spend the time not in your room but with your mum and his child.
Or move out (bit drastic, but really lucky that you have another parent who can offer you a home).

Making positive change in your life is hard.
 

CeePee93

New Here
@CeePee93 - do you have PTSD?

Or, is there PTSD somewhere in your situation?
with the constant passive abuse I've had from him over the years, possibly. I just came on this site for advice and support.

It's not up to you to decide what your mother does and to control her relationships. I would imagine that she has a strong bond with the child. That's just something you have to accept.
I understand that and I'm happy for her, its just I'm caught in the middle. My cousin is that cold, he'd probably stop bringing her round now that I've quit weed anyway! She's brought her loads of gifts and clothes and she's never wearing anything my mom has brought her when she comes round. All the money she has spent on the little girl, he couldn't even get her a card on her birthday. Most the time, he only pops round for 10-15 minutes to burn some time until his girlfriend calls him and then his gone. I've honestly grown to hate the guy. His got more money than me and friends, but I could not give one shit about that to be honest. I'd rather be a broke loner, than a disrespectful c*nt like him. Going into somebody's house and disrespecting it, I'd never dream of doing that. I brought some expensive weight scales from the internet a few weeks ago and asked him if he could help me set it up.. he only goes and breaks the wire. He pretended he was shocked and apologized, but given his track record of disrespecting nice things I've owned, I think he done it on purpose. He's had his car scratched up by strangers, on two different occasions (ironically it weren't me lol), but that tells you all you need to know about him. I understand I'm no saint ofc, I've got big problems and aspects of my personality that need working on and a bad past, but at the end of the day, I'd like to think my parents raised me to be a respectful man and shame on me, for wasting so many years with such a toxic family member.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Good for you for quitting and wanting better for yourself. That is most important.

I dont see your mom betraying you though. She is unwilling to lie for you and has set that boundary. You would like feel better if you asserted yourself in this situation.

There are many things you could do to deter him from coming around. Get the Jehovah's Bible and start discussing it with him, telling him facts....that usually drives people away.
 
with the constant passive abuse I've had from him over the years, possibly.
I'm confused about what "passive abuse" is.

This is what has to happen to be diagnosed with PTSD:
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s):

Direct exposure
Witnessing the trauma
Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma
Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics)

It's true that no one here is qualified to diagnose you, but I have to wonder why you would come to a PTSD board for "advice and support" if you don't actually have PTSD.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top