Discouraged

that_1_girl

Learning
I’m not sure how much longer I can keep fighting, guys. I’m losing my mind at my safe mom over the tiniest things. I’m discouraged that I have to be hospitalized. Again. It’ll be approximately the 35th time in my life. I’m unreasonably frustrated that the referral process takes this long. I don’t know what I expected. Its a complex trauma program not an acute psych ward but I’m getting to the point where I’m pretty sure everyone in my life would breathe a huge sigh of relief if I no longer was here for them to have to worry about constantly and feel helpless trying to help. I’m too far gone and beyond any kind of true repair. I think I would label my current emotional state as FUBAR. And distinctly more suicidal than the past few days. Yes suicidal is an emotion, despite what every therapist ever says. No I do not have a plan. No need to send the police or whatever. Please just someone say something that has something to do with hope or faith I do not care one bit what type of faith or what kind of hope. I happen to be progressive Christian but I’m very open minded so don’t let that deter you. I’m very mad at my God anyway so I’d love to hear about anyone else’s.
 
You've made it this far. That shows to me that you can keep going.

I used to think live was pointless and not worth living. But now I think life is wonderful. It happened when I was able to let go of hating myself.

You are lovable and you are worthwhile, @that_1_girl. I hope you're able to see that for yourself very soon.
 

that_1_girl

Learning
You are lovable and you are worthwhile, @that_1_girl. I hope you're able to see that for yourself very soon.
Gosh I want to argue with you so much right now just scream and rage about how completely and totally FUBAR and unlovable I am and always will be because I was born that way and there hasn’t been a day in my life (literally, not even as a newborn) that there wasn’t some kind of trauma as a result of birth defects and whatnot….
and blah blah blah so many big feelings snd so much numbness at the exact same time. That’s the beauty of having dissociated parts.
But instead I’ll take the compliment and say “thank you.” Thank you. You’re worthy too.
 

that_1_girl

Learning
I’m overwhelmed. Nauseated by something I read and verified on the internet that suggests that I was in fact subjected to sexual orientation/gender identity conversion therapy although it was not called that and I did not realize it at the time. I wasn’t even a teen. I was a vulnerable adult mentally incapacitated by too many of the wrong meds and when I came out of my stupor a little and started asserting my attraction to women and my non-binary identification at the time, my then T (at my parents’ request) sent me to his conservative Christian wife who is also a T, to “talk to a woman about your sexual identity issues”. My mother and father told me repeatedly that I was only LGBTQ because I was “afraid of men” and that it was environmental not biological, yet they did and still do refuse to accept that *any* CSA happened. They only acknowledge the non-rape sexual assault that happened when I was 17 which in my state is above the age of consent.
I know I’m rambling and probably ranting too but I found out today that the waitlist for Sheppard Pratt is 7-8 weeks long and as far as I know my T hasn’t heard back from Dominion at all. I’m self harming multiple times a day just to get through the day without killing myself. It’s not severe self harm it’s pretty restrained but I don’t know. I’m only one person and I barely feel like a person even at all. There is too much trauma in my body and mind and most of the time I don’t even believe it’s real. And then I really want to end it. I just want to not exist anymore without putting my loved ones through the hell that my suicide would put them through. I am pretty much at the point where I’m reasonably sure all adults in my life would breathe a large sigh of relief if I suddenly ceased to exist. But the children (my niece and nephew) wouldn’t understand and I can’t teach a 7 and 5 year old that suicide is a reasonable way to deal with your problems. I just don’t see any other way out of this mess. 7-8 weeks is a long time to be in crisis. Because thats where I’m at.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I’m sorry this is being so hard, and the amount of charlatans (because conversion therapy is charlatanism) you have met on your way.

We aren’t always lovable by our acts, but in a general stance, yes we are. You intend no harm and want to leave at peace. In this, we sometimes get lost. And that sometimes can be long. Still, it isn’t the end. You will know things that others will never know, that is for sure. That is something that brings pain and solitude; but still, it’s a knowledge, and there are emotions, and you is you and you have a life of your own, even when it doesn’t feel like this.

I do not believe in God particularly and have faced my part of spiritual abuse, not only by Christians but also with Buddhists. But at least, being in the middle of these books gave me access to it. Any spiritual organization has a problem with being an organization. I don’t have anything against the principles of the Buddhist texts, the New Testatement or the Qu’ran. They also all are texts or ensembles of texts written in certain times and spaces in our history, and they bring all that with them. I still can pick what is good and correct in it. But the way people do interpret this with the will of excluding others… well… I think humanity demonstrated these nice capacities more times than we can count.

However, if there was a God to look after things and assuming it’s a good God, they would look at you with affection and respect. Like anything living. Not diminishing your experience. You are alive and you can sense things. Right now your senses have been so painful. But that can change. And I am certain the people who love you know that for you and they are ready to support you through that change. As long as you want it, as long as you do all that you can. If you fail from time to time or cannot always be like you would like to be, this doesn’t put their love in question. And that too is painful. But you are worthy of love, even if now it might be difficult to deal with you. You are very far away any point of no return. You can have faith in yourself.
 

that_1_girl

Learning
Just wanted to say thank you. I was in a really dark place the last two nights. Today something very unexpected happened (it could either be a huge distraction and a bad thing or a really good thing and a lifeline). I’m so-so today. My child parts are active and self harm has happened several times but not as many times today as the last few days. Im nervous and scared but slightly more hopeful and very grateful for what happened today. I have had the sense repeatedly in my darkest times that someone up there is looking out for me because this powerful/positive sh*t just keeps happening when I’m at my lowest.
 
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