I’m not sure how much longer I can keep fighting, guys. I’m losing my mind at my safe mom over the tiniest things. I’m discouraged that I have to be hospitalized. Again. It’ll be approximately the 35th time in my life. I’m unreasonably frustrated that the referral process takes this long. I don’t know what I expected. Its a complex trauma program not an acute psych ward but I’m getting to the point where I’m pretty sure everyone in my life would breathe a huge sigh of relief if I no longer was here for them to have to worry about constantly and feel helpless trying to help. I’m too far gone and beyond any kind of true repair. I think I would label my current emotional state as FUBAR. And distinctly more suicidal than the past few days. Yes suicidal is an emotion, despite what every therapist ever says. No I do not have a plan. No need to send the police or whatever. Please just someone say something that has something to do with hope or faith I do not care one bit what type of faith or what kind of hope. I happen to be progressive Christian but I’m very open minded so don’t let that deter you. I’m very mad at my God anyway so I’d love to hear about anyone else’s.