ED Disordered eating

ms spock

I am struggling with disordered eating it comes in a range of manisfestations such as comfort eating and binge eating. I also lost so much weight in 2013 that I was on my way to potential organ failure/hospitalisation. If my psychiatrist had asked me if I had an eating disorder I would have told her no, and it wasn't even denial, I really didn't know I had an eating problem. Eating has been my family, friend, cheer leader, and general way of managing my feelings. I started at a very young age.

My situation is slightly complicated by being homeless as a teenager and eating as much as I could at the time because there wasn't enough food. So yeah so many layers.

So that was my way to manage being in the world, I started to comfort eat and binge at a very young age. And there is so much to say about that but I am more interested in focusing on my willingness to change my disordered eating now.

I am practising more to be here.
I am now building selves for all the different places that I have to/need to be.
I am practising not to dissociate and/or comfort eat.
I am practising delaying comfort eating. Delaying and distraction.

The other thing that I am trying to lessen is doing all the talking as a barrier, because once I dissociate or disconnect I am much more vulnerable to disordered eating.

So a recent strategy is that I am delaying the eating to numb myself.

For negative emotions -

I binge eat to get over the fear of going to bed, and not feel the feelings of rape.
I eat to numb myself.
I eat to avoid emotions.
I eat when I feel sad.
I eat when I am procrastinating.
I eat when I feel lonely and disconnected from the world.
I eat to not feel overwhelmed by people.
I eat when I am bored.
I eat to manage anxiety.
I eat to manage a panic attack.
I eat to avoid connection with other people, so I avoid pain.

For postive feelings -
I eat when I am happy.
I eat when I finish something.
I eat to reward myself.
I eat a lot when I am writing or doing a project, or doing a lot of work.
I eat so I don't feel the fear of failure when doing a task or a project.
I eat to celebrate.
I eat to assist me being around other people.

I eat for something to do.
I eat to be social.
I eat just so I am protected from the world.

Anyway I want to drop the my front/s. I don't want to have fill up the space, or numb myself so no one can hurt me or abuse me or shame me.

So now I am going to bed really early, last night at approximately 7-8pm so I am asleep before what, for me, used to be the worst part of the day.
I am delaying eating, that has worked a bit for the last two days.

When I say no more eating, then I start panicking and I gain 5 kilos, so I am trying to walk the tightrope between not being too harsh and hard on myself, and delaying eating, as a morbidly obese woman I don't need to be having treats or extra food. It is really embarrassing to be part of the obesity epidemic.

I don't think I have anorexia or bulimia, I have severely disordered eating, which I would guess would be Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. But I could have those two things and just not understand them enough to know I have them.

So it is the next thing I am working on.

I need to write a list of things to do instead of eating, and do some of them rather than eating, but once that mindset kicks in it is like nothing else exists but me and the need/want of food (I feel terribly desperate, and incredibly needy) and it takes over.

So yesterday I had some quiche for breakfast, two sesame seed balls for lunch, and two rolls of cheese and avocado, and two or three bowls of weetbix. For me that is a really good day, I don't often have days like that. I am often constantly snacking. I did delay having jam, scones and tea yesterday, and also the day before.

So I want to record my eating without shame, if I spiral down in to shame I eat a lot more.

I also need somewhere safe to live, the place I moved into is not safe, so I am house hunting again.

So finally having a safe home to live and be in may effect my eating in ways I don't understand at this time.
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ms spock

Yeah well I am not going to torture myself over what was my only real life skill, other than dissociation, depersonalisation or derealisation to cope and survive. Now near enough it is just good enough. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be good enough. If a stuff up, well that is to be expected as this has been my main way of coping.
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I think working on my eating has been one of the hardest things I've done. I read something that talked about eating styles and mentioned "chaotic eating". That's a lot of what I still do. I am so much better than I used to be but I still don't really know how to have a normal relationship with food.

I think you are taking some huge steps and should be proud of yourself. My only caution on writing things down would be what brokenEMT mentioned. Just be careful that writing doesn't become another form of disordered eating for you.

And you are exactly right, you don't have to be perfect. It's a process.

ms spock

I am willing to do Self Compassion. I am really willing @brokenEMT and @Muttly. I really am and I keep going there. Kristin Neff'website on self compassion has all the audio files to listen to and download for free. Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff I did a Self Compassion Break this morning.

Yeah monitoring can be another form of disordered eating. You are both spot on @brokenEMT and @Muttly. It is such a fine line. Which I trip over all the time. Though I am doing okay today, today I did okay. And that is all I need to do - is good enough - or okay. I don't have to be perfect to prove to my parents that I didn't deserve the abuse. No child deserves the abuse, and as a child I didn't deserve the abuse.
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@Disco Dancing Queen
As much as I am able to, I have found it helpful to consciously let go of the day at the end of the day. Therefore, the next day I get up and start again. This way I find I don't feel as pressured to "stay on track" and "not make mistakes" (because I'm not counting the good days and the bad days). Mistakes and slip ups happen, it's a matter of not giving in when they do and just continuing to stay the course as best as possible. It is rough stuff. Take good care.

ms spock

Letting go of the day at the end of the day, totally so on the mark of what I needed today.

I also need to go to bed and be in bed reading before my Endep kicks in. I think I could cut out comfort eating/ binge eating on the whole in the night if I did that, I can make it a routine. Medication at 6pm bed at 7pm, reading until the Endep kicks in. That could be a really good routine for me. It would make it much easier for me to resist binge eating and comfort eating at night by not going in the kitchen, I find myself in the kitchen looking in the fridge multiple times a day, and I getting myself to walk away now, but if I didn't go in the kitchen at night, and I am not alone feeling those feelings but tucked up in a comfy bed with B. It could work.

Christmas as a trigger