Disorganized attachment & Far Away-ness

sleeveheart

Learning
Hi All,

So recently I started dating someone who is very kind, warm, and healthier than my previous partner. Basically, we met online and we talked for nearly a month and a half over the phone and text before meeting in person. I had a few reasons- the first was, I didn't want to introduce someone new into my life right when the holidays came around. I was still dealing with family estrangement and God forbid we break up- I don't want him to be a part of my holidays the next year. It was really, really tough. He was surprisingly patient.

Now that I am with someone who is just overall a nice person and has deep family connections, it made me understand what I was missing and I feel deep grief about it. He's in constant contact with his family, visiting them every other weekend. Most recently, he had been visiting them every other day because a family member had died and they were preparing to go to their home country for funeral service.

Basically, he had to cancel our second date last minute because he had to drive his family to the airport. PTSD me played it cool over text, but my body freaked out. Basically, I ate a lot of food, got nauseated, could not throw up (I didn't allow myself to- if I throw up I start fainting), and it took my body about 7-8 hours to reset and feel human. The next couple of days, however, I had no appetite. I tried to eat, but food just felt like it was just being swallowed. I tried to find myself foods that I like, but I couldn't really enjoy them. At the moment, I would enjoy them, but they were not able to provide me with the comfort I needed.

I also tried calling the mental health hotlines, and maybe everyone else wasn't feeling their best because I didn't get some helpful people.

Needless to say, it was a difficult week. I realized how much I'm grieving, as well in 2 weeks, it will be the anniversary of my mother's passing and my birthday.

I just got over the holidays and now, I have to get through another anniversary.

Does anyone have words of encouragement? I'm really feeling lonely and truly unable to show up to this new person. I thought he was the problem, and I thought that he needed to reach out more and be there for me, but it seems like he has his own things happening. I hate life. I really do.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
gentle empathy, sleeveheart. in my personal psychoweirds, i call this my fear of rejection and blame it on my social anxiety. such episodes used to be enough to trigger me into full flight mode, but these days i like to treat them like cases of the psychic flu where i ply extra gentle self care until the episode passes. it sure beats the continual starting from scratch i hated on when i just rejected before i could be rejected. social anxiety is a bear.
 

sleeveheart

Learning
gentle empathy, sleeveheart. in my personal psychoweirds, i call this my fear of rejection and blame it on my social anxiety. such episodes used to be enough to trigger me into full flight mode, but these days i like to treat them like cases of the psychic flu where i ply extra gentle self care until the episode passes. it sure beats the continual starting from scratch i hated on when i just rejected before i could be rejected. social anxiety is a bear.

So, I overcame the rejection and asked for a phone call.

He's basically grieving the recent passing of a family member. It wasn't about me, and I'm super relieved.

Thank you so much for your words of kindness. They mean so much to me. I wish you peace.
 
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