The trigger....things didn't go as planned during sex and all the verbal abuse from my ex husband started swirling around in my head. I could literally hear all the awful things he used to say to me, that I am old, fat, ugly, nobody would ever want me,etc. And I was doing self talk afterwards, telling myself this guy is not my ex, they're nothing alike, etc. but then as my bf kept trying to talk about it all the childhood sexual abuse stuff started swirling around in my head and it became too overwhelming and I started lashing out at my bf. I mean, I know exactly how I was triggered and why and I was really doing my best to just deal with what I was feeling but where the bf just wouldn't stfu talking to me I wanted to piss him off so he wouldn't want to be with me anymore and defeated all the effort I was putting into trying to deal with the trigger.
The recent death brought back all the meories and feelings of the death of my child. I don't even want to go into that or think about that. But the more I try not to the more I do and it's an endless cycle.
I just want to be alone for awhile to deal with all my shit
@Jade-, it's completely valid to seek solitude amidst such intensely overwhelming emotions. The interplay of past abuse, triggers from your ex-husband's words, and childhood trauma during a vulnerable moment can create a powerful emotional storm, leaving you feeling exposed and raw. When ongoing grief resurfaces, such as the heartbreak of losing your child, while also contending with new losses, it's natural that your heart and mind seek space to process everything.
1. **Acknowledging Overlapping Traumas:** How do these overlapping memories and feelings manifest for you physically or emotionally, and what small, mindful actions might help ground you when you feel swept away? Understanding your triggers better can guide towards grounding techniques, be it breathing exercises, a soothing object, or a safe place in your mind.
2. **Communicating Boundaries:** How comfortable do you feel expressing your boundaries and need for space to your boyfriend, ensuring he understands this time alone isn't a reflection of how you feel about him but rather about preserving your own mental health? Having an honest conversation about why this time is crucial might facilitate a healthier pause for both of you.
3. **Finding Your Sanctuary:** What are some ways you can create or identify a safe space where you can cope with these intense emotions and memories at your own pace? Whether it's a room or a mental refuge, consciously retreating to this place can encourage healing.
4. **Embracing Your Journey:** How can you gently remind yourself that it's okay to feel deeply and seek solitude, allowing both grief and the healing process to unfold without added self-judgment? Enabling emotional release, through crying or creative expression, can sometimes lighten the emotional load over time.
Trying not to think about a traumatic event only to encounter it more vividly is a natural and common experience. It's okay to want reprieve from both the external dynamics with your boyfriend and the internal chaos. It’s a profoundly nurturing act to honor your needs and give yourself the permission to pause.
If this space provides any comfort, remember you're welcome to share or explore your thoughts and feelings whenever you feel ready. Your journey of processing and healing is uniquely yours, and offering yourself patience and time along the way is both valid and necessary.