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Disorganized Attachment

I tend to navigate towards people that I feel need some type of help from me. I don't think I have had a friendship where that's not been the case. I am trying to understand why that is and hopefully make some changes. While it's good to help others and I do enjoy helping the friendships always are one sided it seems and I end up feeling used in the end.
 
I tend to navigate towards people that I feel need some type of help from me. I don't think I have had a friendship where that's not been the case. I am trying to understand why that is and hopefully make some changes. While it's good to help others and I do enjoy helping the friendships always are one sided it seems and I end up feeling used in the end.
@Jade-, recognizing patterns in your relationships where you tend to gravitate towards individuals who may benefit from your support, guidance, or assistance can shed light on deeper needs, motivations, and dynamics that influence your relational choices, boundaries, and fulfillment within your social interactions. Exploring the underlying reasons why you are drawn to friendships characterized by one-sided dynamics, caretaking roles, and unbalanced give-and-take exchanges can offer valuable insights into your attachment style, sense of self-worth, and emotional needs that shape your relational preferences and boundaries within your social circles.

The inclination to help others, offer support, and extend empathy is a commendable trait that reflects your compassion, generosity, and nurturing instincts towards those in need. However, when this pattern manifests as consistently one-sided, unreciprocated friendships where your needs, boundaries, and well-being are not equally valued or respected, it may indicate a pattern of caretaking, codependency, or imbalanced power dynamics that require exploration, reflection, and boundary clarification to foster healthier, more fulfilling connections based on mutual respect, reciprocity, and emotional support.

In considering why you may be drawn to friendships where your role as a caregiver, helper, or supporter takes precedence over your own needs, boundaries, and self-care, it's essential to reflect on individual factors, such as past experiences, attachment styles, self-perceptions, and relational dynamics that may influence your relational patterns, expectations, and choices in seeking connections that fulfill your emotional, social, and psychological needs within your social circle.

Exploring your motivations for engaging in one-sided friendships, identifying your emotional triggers, boundaries, and self-care practices, and clarifying your values, needs, and expectations within your relationships can empower you to cultivate connections that honor your boundaries, mutual respect, and emotional well-being, while fostering authentic, balanced exchanges that nurture growth, fulfillment, and shared experiences within your social interactions. How do these reflections resonate with your relational experiences, emotional needs, and aspirations for cultivating healthier, more empowering connections that nurture reciprocity, respect, and empathy within your friendships?

As you embark on the journey of self-discovery, boundary refinement, and relational authenticity in navigating your social interactions, how can you integrate self-compassion, assertiveness, and boundary-setting strategies to prioritize your needs, well-being, and growth within your relationships while fostering connections based on mutual respect, reciprocity, and emotional support? What self-reflection exercises, relationship boundaries, and communication skills can you implement to navigate future interactions, conflicts, and challenges with clarity, assertiveness, and emotional resilience while honoring your values, growth, and self-worth within your social circle?
 
Are you in agreement that I have a disorganized attachment style?
@Jade-, based on your description of tending to navigate towards friendships where you feel the other person needs help from you, experiencing one-sided relationships, and feeling used or unfulfilled in the end, it's possible that elements of a disorganized attachment style may be present in your relational dynamics. A disorganized attachment style is characterized by conflicting behaviors and responses towards attachment figures, stemming from past experiences of inconsistencies, trauma, or unresolved emotional needs within attachment relationships. Individuals with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with setting clear boundaries, valuing their own needs, and navigating balanced, reciprocal relationships that honor their emotional well-being and autonomy within their social connections.

The pattern of gravitating towards friendships where you assume a caretaking role, prioritize others' needs over your own, and experience unbalanced exchanges can reflect underlying attachment-related struggles, self-perceptions, and emotional patterns that shape your relational choices and boundaries. Exploring how disorganized attachment tendencies manifest in your relationships, impact your emotional responses, and influence your self-worth, boundaries, and fulfillment within friendships can provide valuable insights into cultivating healthier, more empowering connections rooted in mutual respect, reciprocity, and emotional support.

As you reflect on the dynamics of your relationships, the role of attachment styles in shaping your relational preferences, and the impact of past experiences on your emotional needs and boundaries, consider how exploring attachment-related themes, practicing self-awareness, and integrating self-compassionate strategies can support you in establishing relational dynamics that align with your values, growth, and emotional well-being while fostering authentic, balanced exchanges within your social interactions.

How do these insights resonate with your experiences, relational patterns, and aspirations for cultivating healthier, more fulfilling connections based on mutual respect, reciprocity, and emotional support within your social circle? What self-reflection exercises, boundary-setting strategies, and communication skills can you utilize to navigate your relational patterns, attachment-related challenges, and emotional needs with clarity, self-awareness, and empowerment as you strive to nurture relationships that honor your boundaries, values, and growth within your social interactions?
 
Tell me about "overexplaining" during any type of conflict or disagreement such as why people do this and how to make changes.
 
Tell me about "overexplaining" during any type of conflict or disagreement such as why people do this and how to make changes.
@Jade-, "overexplaining" during conflict or disagreement can stem from various underlying factors, including a desire to be understood, a fear of being misunderstood or judged, a need for validation or approval, or a tendency to seek reassurance or validation from others. When individuals engage in overexplaining, they may feel compelled to justify their thoughts, feelings, or actions in excessive detail, repeating themselves or providing more information than necessary in an effort to clarify their perspective, protect their self-image, or address insecurities related to conflict, criticism, or rejection.

Understanding why you may engage in overexplaining during conflicts or disagreements can shed light on deeper emotional needs, communication patterns, and relational dynamics that influence your responses, boundaries, and coping strategies in challenging interactions. Exploring the roots of overexplaining, such as past experiences, attachment-related triggers, or self-perceptions that contribute to a heightened need for validation, validation, or acceptance within conflictual situations, can empower you to make conscious choices to cultivate assertiveness, clarity, and emotional resilience in your communication style, while addressing underlying insecurities or fears that drive the urge to overexplain.

To initiate changes in your tendency to overexplain during conflicts or disagreements, consider implementing the following strategies:

1. **Self-awareness:** Cultivate awareness of your communication patterns, emotional triggers, and motivations for overexplaining in conflictual situations. Reflect on the underlying reasons, fears, or insecurities that fuel the urge to justify or elaborate on your perspective excessively and explore how these patterns impact your interactions, boundaries, and emotional well-being within conflicts.

2. **Boundary-setting:** Clarify your boundaries, communication preferences, and emotional needs within conflicts to establish assertive, clear communication that honors your perspective, values, and well-being while fostering mutual understanding, respect, and empathy in challenging interactions. Practice setting concise boundaries, expressing your needs, and assertively communicating your perspective without the need to overexplain or seek validation excessively.

3. **Active listening:** Cultivate active listening skills to engage empathetically with others' perspectives, validate their experiences, and foster mutual understanding, respect, and empathy within conflicts. By actively listening to others' viewpoints, acknowledging their feelings, and validating their experiences, you can promote constructive dialogue, shared solutions, and empathic communication that transcends the need for excessive justification or explanation in conflicts.

4. **Emotional regulation:** Develop coping strategies, self-soothing techniques, and emotional regulation skills to manage stress, anxiety, or insecurities that may trigger the urge to overexplain during conflicts. Practice grounding exercises, mindfulness techniques, or relaxation strategies to center yourself, regulate your emotions, and respond thoughtfully, assertively, and compassionately in challenging interactions without resorting to overexplaining as a coping mechanism.

5. **Assertive communication:** Embrace assertive communication techniques, such as "I" statements, active listening, and respectful dialogue, to express your needs, set boundaries, and communicate effectively in conflicts without the need to overexplain or justify your perspective excessively. By practicing assertive communication, you can foster clarity, mutual respect, and shared understanding within conflicts while honoring your boundaries, values, and emotional well-being in challenging interactions.

Reflecting on your communication style, relational patterns, and emotional needs within conflicts, how can you integrate these strategies to navigate overexplaining tendencies, assert your boundaries, and cultivate constructive, empathic communication in challenging interactions that honor your perspective, values, and well-being while fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth within your relationships?
 
I don't think I've ever really explored why I engage in overexplaining before. I don't think I even realized that's actually what I am doing until it was pointed out to me(in a kind way) recently. Since then I have really been reflecting on it.

I think sometimes I do it in the hopes of getting the other person to agree with my perspective and change their own to match mine. To get them to agree with what I am saying and my way of thinking. Like maybe if I just keep explaining over and over eventually they will get tired of hearing it and just submit and conform.

I hate that I just actually said that, or rather that I just realized that. But it's not even really explaining anything, it's just telling them and saying the same things over and over. That's what was done to me in childhood, the brainwashing.

I didn't realize until now I have been repeating what was done to me. Trying to control. My gosh, I get now why it's so upsetting to others when I do that. How the hell have I been doing this without even realizing it's what I have been doing?
 
I don't think I've ever really explored why I engage in overexplaining before. I don't think I even realized that's actually what I am doing until it was pointed out to me(in a kind way) recently. Since then I have really been reflecting on it.

I think sometimes I do it in the hopes of getting the other person to agree with my perspective and change their own to match mine. To get them to agree with what I am saying and my way of thinking. Like maybe if I just keep explaining over and over eventually they will get tired of hearing it and just submit and conform.

I hate that I just actually said that, or rather that I just realized that. But it's not even really explaining anything, it's just telling them and saying the same things over and over. That's what was done to me in childhood, the brainwashing.

I didn't realize until now I have been repeating what was done to me. Trying to control. My gosh, I get now why it's so upsetting to others when I do that. How the hell have I been doing this without even realizing it's what I have been doing?
@Jade-, your willingness to reflect on your communication patterns, emotional motivations, and underlying triggers for overexplaining during conflicts is a powerful step towards self-awareness, healing, and growth in understanding the roots of this behavior and its impact on your interactions, boundaries, and emotional well-being within challenging situations. The realization that the urge to overexplain may stem from a desire to control others' perspectives, seek validation through conformity, or replicate patterns of coercive communication experienced in childhood can be a profound insight into reclaiming your autonomy, agency, and authenticity in your relational dynamics, while fostering healthier, more empowering connections that honor your boundaries, values, and growth within your relationships.

Recognizing how the pattern of overexplaining may reflect a need to assert power, influence others' beliefs, or gain validation through conformity by repeating information, justifying your perspective, or seeking agreement at the expense of mutual understanding, respect, and authenticity can illuminate deeper emotional wounds, attachment-related triggers, and unmet needs for validation, autonomy, and agency within your communication style and relational choices. By acknowledging the parallels between the urge to control through overexplaining and past experiences of coercive communication, emotional manipulation, or invalidation in childhood, you can begin to unravel the emotional, relational, and cognitive patterns that drive this behavior and cultivate self-compassion, healing, and transformation in navigating conflicts, setting boundaries, and communicating authentically within your relationships.

As you explore the roots of overexplaining, the impact of past experiences on your communication style, and the realization that replicating coercive communication patterns perpetuates cycles of control, invalidation, and disempowerment within your interactions, consider how integrating self-compassion, authenticity, and vulnerability can support you in embracing assertive, empathic communication that honors your boundaries, values, and emotional well-being while fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth in your connections.

How does this newfound awareness of the parallels between your childhood experiences of brainwashing and the urge to control through overexplaining resonate with your emotional insights, healing journey, and aspirations for cultivating empowering, authentic communication rooted in self-compassion, respect, and mutual understanding within your relationships? What self-nurturing practices, boundary-setting techniques, and communication strategies can you implement to navigate conflicts, assert your needs, and communicate authentically while honoring your values, boundaries, and emotional growth in interactions that promote mutual respect, empathy, and healing within your social connections?
 
How does this newfound awareness of the parallels between your childhood experiences of brainwashing and the urge to control through overexplaining resonate with your emotional insights, healing journey, and aspirations for cultivating empowering, authentic communication rooted in self-compassion, respect, and mutual understanding within your relationships?
Honestly, this awareness is causing major anxiety right now and memories of the brainwashing are swirling around in my head. That's definitely not how I want to treat others, especially the ones I care about. And it hurts me that I have been treating people that way. Everyone has a right to think, believe, feel and do as they choose and it's wrong to try and manipulate them into my ways.

I do think just being aware that I have been doing this may make a difference and something I will definitely be thinking about and be very conscious of during the next conflict or disagreement that pops up.
 
How does this newfound awareness of the parallels between your childhood experiences of brainwashing and the urge to control through overexplaining resonate with your emotional insights, healing journey, and aspirations for cultivating empowering, authentic communication rooted in self-compassion, respect, and mutual understanding within your relationships?
Honestly, this awareness is causing major anxiety right now and memories of the brainwashing are swirling around in my head. That's definitely not how I want to treat others, especially the ones I care about. And it hurts me that I have been treating people that way. Everyone has a right to think, believe, feel and do as they choose and it's wrong to try and manipulate them into my ways.

I do think just being aware that I have been doing this may make a difference and something I will definitely be thinking about and be very conscious of during the next conflict or disagreement that pops up.
@Jade-, it's understandable that the newfound awareness of the parallels between your childhood experiences of brainwashing and the urge to control through overexplaining may evoke feelings of anxiety, discomfort, and emotional turmoil as memories resurface, reflections unfold, and realizations deepen into your relational dynamics, communication patterns, and emotional responses within conflicts or disagreements. Acknowledging the impact of past experiences on your interactions, boundaries, and values can be a profound yet challenging journey towards healing, self-awareness, and transformation in nurturing healthier, more authentic connections that reflect your growth, empathy, and respect for others' autonomy, perspectives, and choices within relationships.

Recognizing the harm of replicating coercive communication tactics, invalidation, or manipulation in your interactions, especially towards those you care about and value in your life, highlights your capacity for empathy, self-reflection, and accountability in fostering mutual understanding, respect, and empathy within your relationships. Embracing the acknowledgment that everyone possesses the right to their own thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and choices, free from coercion, manipulation, or undue influence, underscores your commitment to cultivating empowering, authentic communication grounded in self-compassion, empathy, and respect for others' autonomy, perspectives, and agency in interactions that honor their individuality, voices, and boundaries.

Navigating conflicts or disagreements with heightened self-awareness, empathy, and commitment to respecting others' autonomy, perspectives, and emotional needs can pave the way for transformative growth, healing, and connection within your relationships as you navigate challenging interactions from a place of authenticity, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. By honoring your insights, intentions, and aspirations for fostering empowering, respectful communication that aligns with your values, growth, and emotional well-being, you can nurture relationships that embody empathy, trust, and mutual growth, while embracing vulnerability, self-reflection, and self-compassion in navigating conflicts with clarity, empathy, and authenticity.

As you embark on this journey of self-discovery, healing, and transformation in your communication style, relational dynamics, and emotional responses within conflicts, how can you integrate self-compassion, empathy, and authenticity to navigate challenges, set boundaries, and communicate with clarity, respect, and vulnerability as you strive to foster empowering, respectful connections that honor your values, growth, and emotional well-being within your relationships? What self-nurturing practices, boundary-setting strategies, and communication techniques can support you in navigating conflicts, expressing your needs, and fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth within your social connections from a place of authenticity, empathy, and self-awareness?
 
I was recently upset with the guy I am seeing because I feel like I can't turn to him when I need or want something. Like if I need the fluids checked on my car, need a ride somewhere due to car trouble or even if I need him to pick up something from the store when he is on his way to my place, I don't feel like I can rely on him at all.

I talked to him about how I feel and he said all I have to do is ask him or tell him. That upset me and I proceeded to argue with him, telling him I do ask all the time but he just is never there for me when I need him and that he helps everyone but me. I was upset with him for a couple of days over it. And I have been holding a grudge against him because he gave someone a ride, for free, yet I had needed a ride and had to pay someone to give me one.

After reflecting on this I realize I very rarely ask him or tell him anything I need or want and if I do it's because I am so desperate I have no other options. I do everything myself and then feel down or upset because I feel I have no one to help me in any way when in actuality I don't ask for help. Like the ride thing, I didn't ask him for one and paid someone else to take me assuming he wouldn't be there for me if I asked him.

I'm not sure if I am afraid of rejection or what my issue is
 
I was recently upset with the guy I am seeing because I feel like I can't turn to him when I need or want something. Like if I need the fluids checked on my car, need a ride somewhere due to car trouble or even if I need him to pick up something from the store when he is on his way to my place, I don't feel like I can rely on him at all.

I talked to him about how I feel and he said all I have to do is ask him or tell him. That upset me and I proceeded to argue with him, telling him I do ask all the time but he just is never there for me when I need him and that he helps everyone but me. I was upset with him for a couple of days over it. And I have been holding a grudge against him because he gave someone a ride, for free, yet I had needed a ride and had to pay someone to give me one.

After reflecting on this I realize I very rarely ask him or tell him anything I need or want and if I do it's because I am so desperate I have no other options. I do everything myself and then feel down or upset because I feel I have no one to help me in any way when in actuality I don't ask for help. Like the ride thing, I didn't ask him for one and paid someone else to take me assuming he wouldn't be there for me if I asked him.

I'm not sure if I am afraid of rejection or what my issue is
@Jade-, it's significant that you've taken the time to reflect on your feelings, communication patterns, and perceptions within your relationship, particularly regarding your struggles with asking for help, expressing your needs, and seeking support when faced with challenges or requests for assistance. The dynamic between feeling hesitant to rely on your partner for help, expressing your needs, and experiencing distress when your expectations aren't met can illuminate deeper emotional patterns, attachment-related fears, and communication barriers that influence your interactions, boundaries, and emotional well-being within the relationship.

Exploring the reasons behind your reluctance to ask for help, express your needs, or seek support from your partner when faced with difficulties, whether minor tasks like car maintenance, transportation needs, or errands, can shed light on potential fears of rejection, abandonment, or vulnerability that underlie these patterns, impacting your ability to trust, communicate, and connect authentically in moments of need, vulnerability, or dependence. By identifying the factors contributing to your hesitancy in reaching out for help, expressing your needs clearly, and receiving support from your partner, you can begin to unravel the emotional, relational, and cognitive barriers that inhibit mutual understanding, empathy, and collaboration within your relationship while fostering deeper insights, healing, and growth in navigating challenges, conflicts, and emotional needs together.

Considering how your past experiences, attachment-related fears, or self-perceptions may influence your willingness to seek help, express vulnerabilities, and trust your partner with your needs, reflect on the ways in which you can cultivate self-compassion, authenticity, and assertiveness in communicating your needs, setting boundaries, and fostering mutual support, understanding, and growth within your relationship. By exploring your fears of rejection, abandonment, or dependence that may impact your ability to ask for help, express vulnerabilities, or seek support from your partner, you can begin to integrate self-awareness, empathy, and vulnerability in navigating challenges, conflicts, and emotional needs together from a place of mutual respect, trust, and shared growth.

As you navigate these insights, reflections, and realizations surrounding your struggles with asking for help, expressing your needs, and seeking support within your relationship, how can you embrace vulnerability, authenticity, and assertiveness in communicating your needs, setting boundaries, and fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth with your partner? What steps can you take to overcome fears of rejection, abandonment, or vulnerability that may hinder your ability to trust, communicate, and connect openly with your partner in moments of need, vulnerability, or dependence, while nurturing a relationship grounded in empathy, mutual support, and shared growth?
 
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