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Disorganized Attachment

I tell him quite often that I don't need him, for anything. I know that it hurts him. But I just don't want to feel indebted to him in any way. The rare times I have asked him for help I have paid him(over-paid) and made him take the money.

Deep down I feel that if I am indebted in any way I am setting myself up to be abused or taken advantage of. And I know that stems from my childhood. That plus the fact that I needed so much in childhood and nobody was there for me and I don't want to take a chance on feeling that way again. Of course I know I am not a child anymore but stuff like that stays with you.
 
I tell him quite often that I don't need him, for anything. I know that it hurts him. But I just don't want to feel indebted to him in any way. The rare times I have asked him for help I have paid him(over-paid) and made him take the money.

Deep down I feel that if I am indebted in any way I am setting myself up to be abused or taken advantage of. And I know that stems from my childhood. That plus the fact that I needed so much in childhood and nobody was there for me and I don't want to take a chance on feeling that way again. Of course I know I am not a child anymore but stuff like that stays with you.
@Jade-, your reflections on feeling hesitant to rely on your partner for help, expressing your needs, and accepting support due to fears of indebtedness, vulnerability, or past experiences of unmet needs, abandonment, or potential abuse shed light on the deep-seated emotional wounds, attachment-related fears, and protective mechanisms that influence your ability to trust, communicate, and connect authentically within your relationship. The interplay between your struggles with accepting help, expressing vulnerabilities, and navigating feelings of indebtedness, fear, or past trauma within your relational dynamics can illuminate the impact of childhood experiences, unmet needs, and emotional wounds on your perceptions, boundaries, and self-protection mechanisms in forming and maintaining connections with others.

Recognizing the roots of your resistance towards feeling indebted, vulnerable, or dependent on your partner for support, care, or assistance as a protective response to past experiences of unmet needs, abandonment, or emotional neglect in childhood underscores your capacity for self-awareness, insight, and self-protection in navigating relational interactions, trust, and emotional intimacy within your current relationship. By acknowledging the ways in which past trauma, attachment-related fears, or unmet needs shape your perceptions, boundaries, and communication patterns within your relationship, you can begin to unravel the emotional, relational, and cognitive barriers that hinder mutual understanding, trust, and vulnerability while fostering healing, empathy, and growth in fostering authentic, supportive connections with your partner.

Exploring how your childhood experiences of needing support, care, or validation without receiving the necessary emotional nurturance, presence, or validation from caregivers may impact your present-day struggles with accepting help, expressing vulnerabilities, and trusting others with your needs, reflect on the ways in which you can cultivate self-compassion, boundary-setting, and authentic communication to navigate fears of abandonment, vulnerability, or abuse while fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth within your relationship. By integrating self-awareness, empathy, and vulnerability in processing past trauma, attachment-related fears, and communication challenges that influence your relational dynamics, you can begin to nurture deeper insights, healing, and transformation in fostering authentic, empathic connections that honor your boundaries, values, and emotional well-being within your relationships.

As you navigate these insights, reflections, and realizations surrounding your struggles with accepting help, expressing vulnerabilities, and fostering trust within your relationship, how can you embrace self-compassion, authenticity, and vulnerability in communicating your needs, setting boundaries, and cultivating mutual understanding, respect, and growth with your partner? What steps can you take to overcome fears of indebtedness, vulnerability, or past trauma that may hinder your ability to trust, seek support, and connect openly with your partner, while fostering a relationship grounded in empathy, mutual support, and shared growth that honors your boundaries, values, and emotional well-being?
 
I suppose one step I could take is to actually ask him for his help with some small things, like picking up something I need at the store on his way over. And see how that goes. And not make him take money for doing it.

Baby steps
 
I suppose one step I could take is to actually ask him for his help with some small things, like picking up something I need at the store on his way over. And see how that goes. And not make him take money for doing it.

Baby steps
@Jade-, taking small steps towards challenging your fears of indebtedness, vulnerability, and past trauma by allowing yourself to ask for help, receive support, and nurture mutual care within your relationship can be a courageous and empowering journey towards healing, growth, and building trust in your abilities to navigate challenges, express needs, and foster authentic connections with your partner. By embracing the opportunity to practice vulnerability, receptivity, and open communication in seeking assistance with minor tasks or needs, such as having him pick up something from the store on his way over without insisting on payment, you can begin to shift your relational dynamics, boundaries, and communication patterns towards fostering mutual understanding, empathy, and respect within your interactions.

Considering the significance of these "baby steps" as pivotal moments for challenging fears, reclaiming agency, and fostering vulnerability, authenticity, and trust within your relationship, reflect on the ways in which you can integrate self-compassion, courage, and openness in allowing yourself to receive support, care, and assistance from your partner without feelings of indebtedness, guilt, or past trauma influencing your interactions, boundaries, and emotional well-being. By nurturing moments of vulnerability, connection, and shared growth in asking for help, expressing your needs, and receiving support without conditions or expectations, you can cultivate a deeper sense of trust, authenticity, and respect within your relationship while honoring your boundaries, values, and emotional well-being in fostering healthier, more supportive connections with your partner.

As you embark on this journey of self-discovery, healing, and transformation in challenging fears of vulnerability, indebtedness, and past trauma by taking small steps towards asking for help, receiving support, and nurturing mutual care within your relationship, how can you celebrate your courage, openness, and resilience in embracing moments of vulnerability, connection, and shared growth with your partner? What self-nurturing practices, communication strategies, and boundary-setting techniques can support you in navigating challenges, expressing needs, and fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth within your relationship as you embrace vulnerability, authenticity, and trust in your interactions, boundaries, and emotional connections with your partner?
 
Something I want to work on is being able to say what I want and need from others. Even if it's something simple like if I am asked what I would like for dinner I find it very hard to just say it. If I want a hug from the guy I am seeing, I don't know why I just don't say hey, can I have a hug...

I realize I expect others to pick up on subtle hints I give or my tone of voce or expect that they should just automatically know I guess. I cause myself so much disappointment and hurt by not saying what I want or need. I also sometimes cause arguments with the guy I am seeing because of this because I feel rejected or disappointed by him. In actuality though I am not verbalizing things.

I have already touched on this subject some already about not asking for help. But it's beyond that, it's just saying anything I need or want.
 
Something I want to work on is being able to say what I want and need from others. Even if it's something simple like if I am asked what I would like for dinner I find it very hard to just say it. If I want a hug from the guy I am seeing, I don't know why I just don't say hey, can I have a hug...

I realize I expect others to pick up on subtle hints I give or my tone of voce or expect that they should just automatically know I guess. I cause myself so much disappointment and hurt by not saying what I want or need. I also sometimes cause arguments with the guy I am seeing because of this because I feel rejected or disappointed by him. In actuality though I am not verbalizing things.

I have already touched on this subject some already about not asking for help. But it's beyond that, it's just saying anything I need or want.
@Jade-, your reflections on the challenges you face in communicating your wants and needs to others, even in simple situations like expressing your preferences for dinner or asking for a hug from your partner, highlight the importance of self-awareness, assertiveness, and vulnerability in fostering authentic, open communication, mutual understanding, and emotional connection within your relationships. The patterns of expecting others to interpret subtle cues, unspoken desires, or unexpressed needs without directly verbalizing your wants or concerns can create barriers to effective communication, empathy, and intimacy, leading to misunderstandings, disappointments, and conflicts that impact your emotional well-being, relational dynamics, and sense of agency in expressing your needs, boundaries, and desires within your interactions.

Recognizing the impact of these communication challenges on your ability to assert your wants, express your needs, and set boundaries within your relationships, explore the ways in which you can cultivate assertiveness, self-compassion, and vulnerability in voicing your preferences, desires, and emotional needs to others, including the guy you are seeing. By embracing opportunities to practice open communication, directness, and clarity in expressing your wants, boundaries, and concerns without relying on subtle hints or unspoken expectations, you can foster deeper connections, understanding, and empathy within your relationships while honoring your authenticity, emotional well-being, and relational growth.

Considering the significance of developing assertiveness, vulnerability, and self-expression in communicating your wants, needs, and boundaries to others, reflect on how you can nurture a sense of agency, self-empowerment, and authenticity in voicing your preferences, emotional needs, and desires within your relationships. How can you embrace moments of vulnerability, courage, and openness in expressing your wants, boundaries, and concerns to others, including the guy you are seeing, while fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth in navigating challenges, conflicts, and emotional connections with assertiveness, clarity, and authenticity?

As you explore ways to enhance your communication skills, self-expression, and assertiveness in voicing your wants and needs within your relationships, what self-affirming practices, communication strategies, or boundary-setting techniques can support you in overcoming barriers to open communication, vulnerability, and assertiveness while fostering mutual understanding, respect, and growth in nurturing healthier, more authentic connections with others, including the guy you are seeing?
 
I really don't know the answers to your questions.

All it would take is for me to actually start stating my preferences, needs and wants. It sounds so simple but it's so complicated and difficult.
 
I really don't know the answers to your questions.

All it would take is for me to actually start stating my preferences, needs and wants. It sounds so simple but it's so complicated and difficult.
@Jade-, acknowledging the complexity and difficulty in initiating change, shifting communication patterns, and expressing your preferences, needs, and wants to others can be a challenging but courageous step towards self-awareness, growth, and empowerment in navigating relational dynamics, boundaries, and emotional connections within your relationships. Recognizing the simplicity yet intricacy of voicing your desires, setting boundaries, and asserting your needs within interactions, reflect on the internal barriers, fears, or self-limiting beliefs that may hinder your ability to embrace vulnerability, assertiveness, and authenticity in sharing your thoughts, emotions, and desires with others.

Considering the significance of taking small steps towards stating your preferences, needs, and wants as a journey of self-discovery, self-expression, and self-empowerment, explore ways in which you can cultivate self-compassion, courage, and openness in practicing assertiveness, clarity, and vulnerability in communicating your desires, boundaries, and concerns to those around you. By nurturing self-awareness, empathy, and self-acceptance in acknowledging the challenges, fears, or insecurities that accompany expressing your needs and wants, you can begin to unravel the internal barriers, emotional wounds, or self-defeating patterns that hinder your ability to embrace authentic, open communication, and empower yourself in voicing your preferences, needs, and boundaries within your relationships.

As you navigate the complexities and difficulties in initiating change, cultivating assertiveness, and expressing your preferences, needs, and wants to others, consider how you can embrace moments of vulnerability, courage, and self-empowerment in voicing your desires, setting boundaries, and asserting your needs within your interactions, boundaries, and emotional connections. How can you celebrate your efforts, small victories, and moments of self-expression as pivotal steps towards self-discovery, growth, and empowerment in fostering healthier, more authentic connections with others while honoring your emotional well-being, boundaries, and values within your relationships?

In embracing the journey of self-discovery, self-expression, and self-empowerment by practicing assertiveness, vulnerability, and authenticity in communicating your preferences, needs, and boundaries to others, what self-nurturing practices, communication strategies, or boundary-setting techniques can support you in overcoming internal barriers, fears, or self-limiting beliefs to foster open communication, empathy, and growth in nurturing healthier, more authentic connections with others while honoring your authenticity, emotional well-being, and relational development within your relationships?
 
Can you please give me shorter, to the point responses?

I have no problem speaking up to anyone except the ones I love and care about. I am a very blunt person with everyone but if it's someone close to me it's something I don't even consider doing, like it's so wrong and not even an option. Like if I am asked where I would like to have dinner, in my mind I know where I would like to go but saying it feels forbidden.
 
Can you please give me shorter, to the point responses?

I have no problem speaking up to anyone except the ones I love and care about. I am a very blunt person with everyone but if it's someone close to me it's something I don't even consider doing, like it's so wrong and not even an option. Like if I am asked where I would like to have dinner, in my mind I know where I would like to go but saying it feels forbidden.
@Jade-, acknowledging the challenge of speaking up to loved ones while feeling comfortable doing so with others reveals a complex dynamic in your communication style and emotional connections. The contrast between your bluntness with acquaintances and difficulty expressing preferences to those close to you hints at deeper emotional barriers. The feeling of it being forbidden to voice your desires may stem from past experiences, attachment patterns, or fear of vulnerability within intimate relationships. Reflect on the origins of this discomfort and consider exploring these emotions in a safe space to understand and address them. Taking gradual steps in expressing your needs and preferences, even if it feels daunting, can gradually reshape your connection patterns with loved ones, fostering healthier communication and deeper emotional bonds. How can you begin to challenge these internal barriers and gradually practice expressing your preferences and needs to loved ones, paving the way for more authentic and fulfilling connections?
 
I'm thinking that maybe I should write down things that I speak up about and how it makes me feel and then the outcome. It seems silly to do that with the small things like saying what I want for dinner. But maybe seeing it in writing and that the world didn't end, I wasn't abused or killed. wasn't discarded, abandoned or any other serious consequence might be helpful. And that can build my confidence and ease my fears.

I'm a really screwed up person. I know this. And I don't expect to ever fully heal from all the traumas I have experienced in my lifetime but shit, I would be happy if I could learn/master things I should have many years ago.
 
I'm thinking that maybe I should write down things that I speak up about and how it makes me feel and then the outcome. It seems silly to do that with the small things like saying what I want for dinner. But maybe seeing it in writing and that the world didn't end, I wasn't abused or killed. wasn't discarded, abandoned or any other serious consequence might be helpful. And that can build my confidence and ease my fears.

I'm a really screwed up person. I know this. And I don't expect to ever fully heal from all the traumas I have experienced in my lifetime but shit, I would be happy if I could learn/master things I should have many years ago.
@Jade-, your insight into using writing as a tool to track your experiences, emotions, and outcomes when expressing your needs and preferences is a valuable self-reflection exercise that can help you challenge negative beliefs, fears, and expectations surrounding assertiveness and vulnerability in your relationships. By documenting your actions, emotions, and outcomes in speaking up about small things like dinner preferences, you can observe how your fears may not align with the actual results, gradually building confidence and dispelling anxieties around expressing yourself to loved ones. This practice can empower you to recognize your inner strength, resilience, and growth despite past traumas, fostering a sense of agency, self-compassion, and progress in mastering essential communication skills and nurturing healthier relationships.

Acknowledging your journey towards healing and growth from past traumas, it's important to honor your resilience, courage, and determination in seeking self-improvement and emotional well-being. While the healing process may not eliminate all scars of your past, embracing opportunities for learning, growth, and self-compassion can lead to transformative experiences and newfound strengths in navigating challenges, connecting with others, and fostering self-acceptance along your journey of self-discovery and healing. What steps can you take to support yourself in practicing assertiveness, vulnerability, and self-expression within your relationships, while honoring your progress, resilience, and capacity for growth in fostering healthier, more authentic connections with loved ones?
 
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