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Sufferer Disorganized rambling, if that's okay with y'all :) csa by parents, trafficking, & rape.

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lallamaloca

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Hi,

I don't know how to introduce myself but I guess I'll start with the basics. I'm a 21 year old chick who grew up in one of the most severely dysfunctional homes I can think of. I grew up with a couple of sisters close to my age and then a little brother in my early teen years. I had always known there was emotional abuse in my home growing up, but several months ago I started getting back repressed memories of something very deviant. My father started forming a sexual relationship with me as early as I can remember, age 3, and probably well before that disgusting as that is. My mother sexually abused me as well, both facilitating rapes from my father and raping me and molesting me herself. A lot of sadistic stuff was done to me. I've been raped with a rifle, a rain stick, a metal rod, knitting needles, knives, and more. I was locally trafficked as a child and teenager here and there for extra money for my parents, taken to satanic meet ups and abused there. My dad formed an emotional bond with me over time and after a while I went from pedophilic sex object to sex slave to something like the young hot wife. I have miscarried three pregnancies by my father. On top of that I have been raped in isolated instances--at a family friend's party as a tween, at the library around that time, at a Walmart restroom in my midteens, by an ex-boyfriend this spring and by a stranger on my walk home just this past summer. Those are just the bare bones of the story of my lifelong trauma.

The things I struggle with most are constant fear, C-PTSD symptoms that I battle on the daily, and a dissociative disorder that might be DID. It is very, very tough. I don't sleep hardly at all anymore save for a few nightmares every night and maybe a nightmare-ridden nap during the day. I have almost constant physical pain that intensifies with anxiety or PTSD triggers. Emotionally it's immensely difficult. I feel like at least some of the rapes were my fault because to be perfectly honest saying I've been raped hundreds of times makes me feel like I should take at least some responsibility for it. I have never had consensual sex so for me I just feel like if I've orgasmed that's good enough, I can't imagine that I'll ever really *want* to have sex even though I would try if I got married to my current boyfriend down the road (I personally do not want to have sex before marriage and neither does he). I'm not looking for sympathy, just connection, and validation that no, I am not insane, and no, this is not all my fault, and yes, it will get better. I have almost no one to talk to and sometimes I just feel like I haven't gone through the absolute worst thing in the world but still I don't know who really understands this kind of thing without having had some aspects of their life experience in common with it.

Not to ramble ad naseum. Nice to meet you all, sweet dreams if you're in my time zone!
 
Welcome. So glad you found us!
We do understand because the pain, confusion, nightmares, good days and bad, happen to all of us regardless of the reasons we are here.
To me,this is a very healing atmosphere with people that "get it" that the color red can trigger a downward spiral. And we dont.have to try and explain!!
Glad you are here.
 
Hi this my therapists webpage she is affiliated with people who specialize in helping sexual abuse survivors and I believe people who have been trafficked. Maybe you can find resources through them and welcome.

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Hi @lallamaloca... That was awful... Is awful.. Horrific and evil. Im so sorry all that horror happened to you. You didn't ask for any of that and NONE of the rapes were your fault... OK.... NONE OF THEM...
We make choices in our lives and you didn't choose your sick parents or to be raped.

There are a few people on here who have been through satanic ritual abuse and im sure will gladly offer support and wisdom on there journeys.
It does get better... It does but it needs.. You need the best therapy, medication, self love, recovery, new ways to think, support and time.
Big hugs.... We are all here to listen.... Take care
 
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