Dissociating, panic attacks, violent imagery 😢

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Warning: things are laid out clearly & disgustingly so don’t read ahead if you can’t.

I have tiny snippets of memories from being raped as a child & although I can’t guarantee they’re all real, things have gotten worse lately.

in my 30+ years of recurring nightmares & pieces of memories, the gist is that my dad raped me with my mom encouraging/orchestrating it on the side.

mom more sure that my dad did it. Unsure whether mom being there is real or the child in me wanting her to protect me.
(I currently live with mom).

lately I haven’t been able to look at her face without getting nauseous.

the other night I shared a meal with her (something I try VERY hard not to do) and couldn’t look at her, could barely make conversation. Then I noticed the fancy plastic silverware she uses & got an image of stabbing her in the heart with a fancy plastic knife. I finally had to stop eating because I almost threw up. I left the room.

I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. Buy I feel like I’m living with my rapist.

spoke to T about it & she’s going to look into supportive housing for me.

OBVIOUSLY I would never actually hurt her... my brain scared me with the thought!

anyone else experience anything similar?

I feel so horrible, so crappy & of course can barely sleep
 

Friday

Moderator
anyone else experience anything similar?
Wildly different, similar?

For a number of years a number of us who were held captive would periodically get together; essentially when at least 2 of us forgot that was a really f*cking bad idea. I KNOW for a fact exactly what happened. There was no “Was I clinging to them in my mind, as a safe/protective place to be, or desperately hoping to be rescued by them” aspect. We can’t be around each other. Because, yeah. We make each other sick. And pissed off / blind rage. Spiking symptoms to the stratosphere. And then? There’s the aftermath.

Ditto... the people I held in my heart & my mind.

It’s completely unfair. I know. Probably most especially to the people who only lived in my thoughts. They were there (in my mind) because of how profoundly I loved & trusted them. To then completely cut them off? For no reason? I’m sure made no sense to them. But hey we’re more real to me, in that moment, than anything except the pain.

I’d rather be around the people who shredded me, than those I owe loyalty to. It’s not only simpler, but killing them isn’t exactly bad behaviour. And I don’t have to hate myself for wanting to obliterate them.

So if you imagine me standing in front of you and holding my hand flat around my face? These are the people I love/trust/respect/admire and I want them this much in my life. Moving my hand down to my waist? Not friends, but potential friends, colleagues, and other people I like & could come to care about I want about this much in my life. Moving my hands down to my ankles? Nope! Soles of my feet touching the ground. That’s how much I want the people who shredded me in my life. So little I’d hesitate to even walk on their graves, with them 6 feet below the soles of my feet. The people I was WITH (for real, or held in my heart/mind)? See this here ball? Watch me throw it as far as humanly possible away from me. Yep. That’s about right. Unless we could get inhumanly possible and lob it a continent or three further.

It’s not fair. It’s simply what is. Some things are just too damn hard.

To not know which group of people someone falls into? Someone who shredded you, someone forced to watch/be present/another victim, or someone you held in your heart & mind? Would only be harder. And, I can only imagine, more nauseating. As they slipped, slid, lurched, and heaved through various “positions” of who/what they are/were... and the associated emotions and violent physical reactions from all three heaving and churning through me. Even the thought of it? Makes me want to close my eyes and hang onto reality with a death grip. Like the first wave of sea sickness threatening to take hold. And yet? You’re managing that reality. Probably a whole helluva lot better than you think you are.
 
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ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Yes, I had a very vicious thought toward my ex-husband. I can't say that it scared me as much as that was my sign to get out of there to save what sanity I had left.

I am grateful you shared this with your T and she is now trying to find a way to get you away from the constant reminder of being hurt and powerless. I wonder if we have those thoughts BECAUSE we feel so powerless??? I don't have that answer but it does sound like you need to move into a space that is YOURS.

Hoping for the best outcome for you that you get away and are able to have a place to heal. Not have constant reminders. And find some peace.

You have taken very positive action to help yourself. And that is a very good thing regardless of what brought it to the surface. Hoping for future healing and peace.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I also have experienced this towards my violent ex. It appears as intrusive thoughts rolling around. It doesn’t scare me per se but it’s a sign that I’d fight if something really happens and there is a potential to spiral, not in the way of the vision, but spiral badly.

Thinking of it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s what you do that matters. And what you’re doing is coping with it. It’s courageous. It makes you quite a better person in that sense.

Good luck and I hope you can find a good place to heal in peace.
 

Starfire

Confident
Wondering if you have a Therapist who would be willing to see you both together. I can't imagine I could sanely or semi sanely be around someone who was part of my abuse.
As I ponder what you said about the plastic silverware, I don't know if I'd be more afraid of them or what I'd do.
Hope you find a way to live peacefully.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I have violent thoughts about my abusers. But several times recently I felt violent around two very nice people that were helping me aswell. I basically thought, "what's the worst thing that could happen right now"? And it took all of my power not to do it. Very f*cked up. It was very scary. I felt terrified.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Wondering if you have a Therapist who would be willing to see you both together. I can't imagine I could sanely or semi sanely be around someone who was part of my abuse.
As I ponder what you said about the plastic silverware, I don't know if I'd be more afraid of them or what I'd do.
Hope you find a way to live peacefully.
I have absolutely no Desire to go to therapy with mom. Don't trust a thing she says. T is trying to help me find somewhere else to live... Even temporarily
 

Widow_of_one

MyPTSD Pro
Warning: things are laid out clearly & disgustingly so don’t read ahead if you can’t.

I have tiny snippets of memories from being raped as a child & although I can’t guarantee they’re all real, things have gotten worse lately.

in my 30+ years of recurring nightmares & pieces of memories, the gist is that my dad raped me with my mom encouraging/orchestrating it on the side.

mom more sure that my dad did it. Unsure whether mom being there is real or the child in me wanting her to protect me.
(I currently live with mom).

lately I haven’t been able to look at her face without getting nauseous.

the other night I shared a meal with her (something I try VERY hard not to do) and couldn’t look at her, could barely make conversation. Then I noticed the fancy plastic silverware she uses & got an image of stabbing her in the heart with a fancy plastic knife. I finally had to stop eating because I almost threw up. I left the room.

I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. Buy I feel like I’m living with my rapist.

spoke to T about it & she’s going to look into supportive housing for me.

OBVIOUSLY I would never actually hurt her... my brain scared me with the thought!

anyone else experience anything similar?

I feel so horrible, so crappy & of course can barely sleep
1) yup! It is a fact that most mothers watched as the dad raped the child. Oddly this happened to me as well. Years ago when I read other survivors books almost all of them said their mothers were there helping, encouraging, and for myself my grandfather got my moms brothers invobvled and his friends! You survived bc you are strong! Keep going!
2) what I thought about your “fantasies” is this: did you actually think, daydream them OR did your mind do it for you? You say you got an image right? As in this idea flew into your head right?
Horrible people don’t say: I’m a horrible person EVER! You are not a monster and yes you need to get away because you are living with your rapist. Please lock the door at night!
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
1) yup! It is a fact that most mothers watched as the dad raped the child. Oddly this happened to me as well. Years ago when I read other survivors books almost all of them said their mothers were there helping, encouraging, and for myself my grandfather got my moms brothers invobvled and his friends! You survived bc you are strong! Keep going!
2) what I thought about your “fantasies” is this: did you actually think, daydream them OR did your mind do it for you? You say you got an image right? As in this idea flew into your head right?
Horrible people don’t say: I’m a horrible person EVER! You are not a monster and yes you need to get away because you are living with your rapist. Please lock the door at night!
Thank you SO much for this. What u said made me cry... but in a good way. You’ve validated MY memories that “Mother” is constantly undermining. And it gets to me. I wonder if she’s right... maybe I did just dream all this up.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I definitely don’t feel strong but I’ll try :)
 
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