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Other Dissociative Disorders and shame

Thread starter #1
(Diagnosed with PTSD and a dissociative disorder, probably OSDD)

Before yesterday's therapy session things had been pretty calm (not much parts intrusion) for a few weeks. This left me feeling happy and empowered.

Yesterday I had an EMDR session. My therapist knows what she's doing. We were starting and when things began looking more specific to the trauma and fear was recalled my protector stepped in (I know, she is doing her job). My protector explained she was just not sure I could cope with the memories if we kept on going.

After I was back (I stay kind of co-conscious with her, but can't control anything) I started feeling utterly overwhelmed about the lack of control, and also about being aware once again that this may be our reality.

I was SO overwhelmed that a few tears fell down my cheeks for the 1st time in over 3 years of therapy.

I felt kind of ashamed of this all. Asking why this was happening again. And also feeling shocked that I was feeling this way because I thought I was more accepting of this all, and afraid that I may be hurting other parts by feeling like this.

Has anyone experienced shame about dissociating after a calm period? I can't grasp why it was so overwhelming.

My therapist said we might want to talk at the end of every session about what the next target would be, so that everyone feels on board.

Please tell me I'm not alone.
 
#2
Not sure this might help...

But DID is just one specific way a brain can cope with & make sense of & survive trauma. You're not losing you or losing it when someone else takes over... You're letting your brain and everyone in it be super smart and helping you, the whole you, keep it together. :sneaky:

And yeah, I get the issue and shame and all. ControlFreak is probably one of my middle names.
 
#4
yep.
Every time.
I tell myself it is just part of the process.....
Yes....I used to think it was awful....dissociated when I did art-with a small group of people-sometimes I'd have to leave, dissociated when I listened to a sermon, dissociated when I though a tiny trauma thought....but dissociation isn't all bad. Now when I dissociate, and know I did it, it's just me. But when I can't recall the entire convo and my T says do you remember...during a tense moment... (I hate that fxing question)...and I think....well, memory of that was a tad vague...it is super irritating...before it was immense shame mixed with mortification but now it is just irritating. So, I got better with my thinking about dissociation by allowing it to occur productively (also called very focused attention to a task).....and working on being grounded and in the moment when I need to be....it has taken work to gain control...but anxiety and fear are down considerably, not getting abused anymore has helped a lot.....But sometimes I still get triggered (mostly now in T office but she doesn't let it go on....she ends the conversation and switches to grounding skills....the last one didn't....grateful to find this T sees dissociation as something to work on), but now I know what is happening and have more grounding skills and on hand distractors, and can take measures to reduce and stop the dissociation.....OSDD here, too.
 
Thread starter #5
Yes....I used to think it was awful....dissociated when I did art-with a small group of people-sometimes I'd have to leave, dissociated when I listened to a sermon, dissociated when I though a tiny trauma thought....but dissociation isn't all bad. Now when I dissociate, and know I did it, it's just me. But when I can't recall the entire convo and my T says do you remember...during a tense moment... (I hate that fxing question)...and I think....well, memory of that was a tad vague...it is super irritating...before it was immense shame mixed with mortification but now it is just irritating. So, I got better with my thinking about dissociation by allowing it to occur productively (also called very focused attention to a task).....and working on being grounded and in the moment when I need to be....it has taken work to gain control...but anxiety and fear are down considerably, not getting abused anymore has helped a lot.....But sometimes I still get triggered (mostly now in T office but she doesn't let it go on....she ends the conversation and switches to grounding skills....the last one didn't....grateful to find this T sees dissociation as something to work on), but now I know what is happening and have more grounding skills and on hand distractors, and can take measures to reduce and stop the dissociation.....OSDD here, too.
I am glad you found a therapist who works with you. It seems things are going much much better with this new one. Happy for you.

Also it sounds like shame diminished, which great.

On my part, I completely forgot I was dealing with this in January. Thanks to COVID my routines have changed and now teach my students remotely but now I have this huge fear and anxiety of losing control. And so I am constantly avoiding my protector getting active.

This is also increasing the shame and it is not going good. Doing teletherapy in my van is not helping.

I don't know how to not dread and be OK with my protector getting active. It's the loss of control that gets to me.

Thank you all for all your support.
 
Thread starter #7
Can you agree the protector will do only a set amount of things in a specified style?

And leave you notes / inform you some way ASAP about what went on?
I usually am aware of most things that go on. Some things are fuzzy but I don't black out.

I also don't want to repress her too much. She is needing support. I'm just trying hard to be OK with this. I had a session today and she got active and afterwards I was full of shame and crying a bit.

Oh well.

I know I need to work on inner communication. I've tried recently again but my protector is closing up...

Thank you for your suggestions 💜
 
#9
Hi @Ireusa , I was attacked by 10 men with metal bars whilst studying in london In a racist attack. I nearly died. I was already suffering from trauma but it turned into full blown PTSD. I started dissociating heavily and people at my college were humiliating and abusing me when I was experiencing it. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I quit college because i couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't stand being around people and was in a constant state of fear.
 
#10
Are you doing parts therapy? Internal Family Systems therapy? I've heard the word protector used with that. I have dissociative disorders, but not DID. I did some parts therapy where he wanted me to name my "parts", not alters, but it was too much for me since I am too close to DID for comfort. This confuses me to no end since I behave in different ways in different situations. Now that I've muddied the waters, I am just confused.

@Survivor3, that is so horrid! I'm so sorry!
 
Thread starter #11
Hi @Ireusa , I was attacked by 10 men with metal bars whilst studying in london In a racist attack. I nearly died. I was already suffering from trauma but it turned into full blown PTSD. I started dissociating heavily and people at my college were humiliating and abusing me when I was experiencing it. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I quit college because i couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't stand being around people and was in a constant state of fear.
I am so sorry you went through all that. I hope you've found a good therapist. That is a huge difference.
Sending love 💜

Are you doing parts therapy? Internal Family Systems therapy? I've heard the word protector used with that. I have dissociative disorders, but not DID. I did some parts therapy where he wanted me to name my "parts", not alters, but it was too much for me since I am too close to DID for comfort. This confuses me to no end since I behave in different ways in different situations. Now that I've muddied the waters, I am just confused.

@Survivor3, that is so horrid! I'm so sorry!
Yes I am doing parts therapy, along with Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and bits of EMDR -that was before COVID-. I am close to DID, but not quite there. We agree I might have OSDD. My therapist is not too big on diagnosis.

There are many ways to do parts therapy. I have not been pressured to name mine.

Sending love 💜
 
#12
I started feeling utterly overwhelmed about the lack of control, and also about being aware once again that this may be our reality.
Losing total control to a part and still being able to see what's going on is upsetting. It's also upsetting to be faced with the reality of how severe or you're still dealing with these things. I totally get why you'd be overwhelmed.

I felt kind of ashamed of this all. Asking why this was happening again. And also feeling shocked that I was feeling this way because I thought I was more accepting of this all, and afraid that I may be hurting other parts by feeling like this.
It's okay to have moments of disbelief or non-acceptance. It happens to us. I still have moments where I don't accept or it's hard to accept things. You're hardly alone in this. Trying to take a non-judgmental position, to just notice and not label it as bad or good has been helpful for me.

Has anyone experienced shame about dissociating after a calm period? I can't grasp why it was so overwhelming.
If I had, I don't remember :P Most of my shame is based in the not being able to follow conversations or not being able to access normal happy memories so I can carry a friendly conversations about like likes and opinions. Not being able to sound as smart as I know I am.

I do remember that having parts at all was a point of shame for me for some time. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else knowing. The deep dread of anyone finding out. Which is really understandable. When most people don't have to deal with this, when I know how others view it, it seems like something is wrong with us. Like we're "broken" some how and we "should" be fixed. I'm not sure what happened, maybe I just gotten to a point where I like my parts. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. It's just a reality because of trauma. Not that there is anything fundamentally wrong or broken with me or in me. Rather it is what others have said, the brain's brilliant and creative way to deal with trauma beyond what we could cope with. It's not that it not tough or crappy at times, it's that I'm not messed up or broken.

Shame is "I am wrong", Guilt is "I did something wrong", Humiliation is "Someone did wrong to me". Dissociation is the result of someone doing something to us, we didn't do anything wrong nor are we "wrong".
 
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