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Distortion of existing for further perp practice


I know it’s a distortion, and it took a lot of work to get to the place where even if it was there, it became a background belief I was working on further moving out. Recent further trauma has triggered this very strongly, and feels like it’s set me back in treatment, more so as the recent trauma was by a clinician (not part of my usual treatment team), and I’ve actually had other medical traumas before, and in doing everyday things like going downstairs to get something from the car, on top of the childhood stuff in multiple forms and locations.

I believe everyone and creature is worthy of common decency and kindness, safety, and a basic level of respect at a minimum, yet since the recent flare the feelings of me being the exception have strengthened. Target me so you hopefully leave someone else alone, but also why do I deserve common decency and respect and safety, my parents demonstrated the opposite (the one I still have limited contact with still doesn’t know empathy, or how to respect me and boundaries though demands respect as ‘elder’ etc…basic respect of course, respect on a higher level needs to be earned by demonstrated behaviour and role modelling, and emotionally/verbally abusing me in front of my teenager does not demonstrate. I role model for him, and he makes excuses to avoid any contact with my parents as he doesn’t like the treatment I receive, yet that feeling inside of unworthiness expect for perp practice, which has flared badly since recent trauma, makes it hard to reach out when I’m struggling, even to clinicians I know but who might be newer on the team, and I’m not sure where to take it. My GP is fabulous and by far the most trusted of my clinicians and I still can’t be completely open there.

So feeling like existing as things for various perps yo practice on…obviously a distortion regardless how strong and real and ingrained it is…coping with that belief? Reducing its control? Moving beyond, ideally getting rid of, that belief? I’m sure many of us, especially survivors of repeated/compound traumas developed this niggling belief along the way
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This is so true and I recognized this unconscious believe when I was learning English as a second language and I started to think of the word “I”
it sounds very strange but I started to think why people would think that they are so important to use that word in a sentence to express an idea. I know it’s very strange but I realized I was projecting my lack of identity because acknowledging that I was thinking that way of myself was way too much to handle at that point. I think crying with intention (not forcing just knowing that you need it when you do and it’s ok) helped me a lot.
I send a huge hug! You will find yourself in this amazing journey
🤗 trust me