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Do Any of The Spouses Have Someone Impartial They Can Offload To?

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by kimdim, Jan 12, 2007.

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  1. kimdim

    kimdim Member

    I had an appointment with my social worker yesterday and she was asking about Scott and how he was and everything.
    I told her im finding it really hard living day to day with him tho this week he has been really good because ive been not well, he has really made an effort this week hugging me and everything that he cant normally do.
    And i know deep down he really loves me and he knows things are not fair for me.

    Anyway she gave me the number for Womens Aid and i have called them today and its ok to go in and see them i have to make an appointment next week.
    So why am i feeling so guilty now because i have phoned them i am feeling bad that i cant cope and need someone to talk to its as though im betraying him tho i feel if i dont have someone to offload to i''ll go crazy:crybaby:
    Can anyone give me any advice on why i feel like this?
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  3. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    Oh Kim - Dont feel bad about feeling bad, if your under the weather everything feels worse and lets face it it hard on the best of days.
    I felt the same I felt as if I was being disloyal too him and an inadequate wife but he was "killing" us both - he didnt do it on purpose and I didnt understand -so hard - I get calm days now and they are getting calmer we had to separate brole my heart but essential for us -

    Hubby is getting better too tiny little things but I can see he is making progress - dont know if we will ever get together again but I do hope.

    try to concentrate on you first and give what you can second - hard I know this is illogical for us but I have learnt from this site that patience and time are the key words.

    Dont feel guilty just off load where you can here is a good thing. I shared with Dazed and Tig and Andrea when I came hear I am happy to help you if I can.
  4. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    To answer your question i think you feel the way you do because you want to be strong for Scott and you are but i think you forgot that while you are being strong for him you are forgetting about yourself..
    I guess i am kind of confused.... I dont understand why you feel guilty! (You are not leaving his side, you are trying to be stronger for the both of you) Why do you feel bad that you cannot cope? Its normal...you are human right??!! I would think :)

    You are actually doing a good thing... Please try and see it this way...
    By talking to someone (Womans Aid) means you dont get to keep all the hurt, confusion, frustration inside.... you are starting to feel this way because i believe you have been keeping alot to yourslef..alot inside (remember we, as supporters suffer right along with PTSD sufferes...a different type of "suffering" of course but we go through things as well..why? because we see how they are reacting to what they are going through and it kills us that we cannot do a damn thing about it or at the very least even understand them)

    You are doing the opposite of what i am doing right now....by getting help you are not driving Scott crazy with everything you are going through... because most of the time they(PTSD sufferes) dont need the added stress from us...they have their own issues that they are trying their best to deal with :( i do that to my husband and i feel so bad that he tries to be there for me but most of the time we end up argueing because i need need need and i only go to him. So you are on the right road.... make the appoinment. Do what you need to do for yourself (just remember in doing that you are helping the both of you) Im very sure that Scott does not feel betrayed and you should not feel that you are betraying him...you are just trying to do the right thing and help out...for yourself and him... vent anytime you need a push, we are all here to try and help each other...
    Hannah thanks for that... glad you are doing what you need to do and hopefully sometime soon you and your hubby will be able to continue on this journey together :)
  5. kimdim

    kimdim Member

    Thanks for that Hannah its good to know you are there and everyone is.
    I dont know how to explain it its as tho im letting him down but i know im not im trying to be stronger to cope with the situation and to help myself as well.
  6. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    Hi Kim I felt like that as well. We have been married 25 years never argued for about the first 15 years I know that seems strange but we got on so well. Then the shit hit the fan and he started to fall apart I was always making excuses for his behaviour ( hes not well he he is tired etc) it got to the stage he lost all his mates because he didnt want to socialise any more and I was starting to feel like I was a homebody as well. I was keeping all my feelings to myself and that builds up and it causes resentment towards your partner. You need to get it out,I gave in and went and saw a counsellor best thing I ever did I sat and bawled for the first couple of sessions but it does give some relief. After the first session hubby wanted to know what we spoke about as he has a guilt of what we go through. I didnt tell him everything that we spoke about. Now I have a couple of friends who have trouble with their hubbys one has PTSD one is just not well we get together every now and then with a couple of bottles of wine and have a session it is definitely a release (although the next day I feel like shit:wink: )
    Hang in there and do what you feel is best for you it took me a long time to wake up to that fact.
  7. kguyton

    kguyton New Member

    I know how you feel

    I have been ranting and raving on this site - because it was the only place I could. I really let it all out here - my fingers were smoking up the keyboard...Then I started to talk to my girlfriends about what I was writing on this site - and then I felt this incredible guilt for "talking about my husband" like I was. I was venting away - and although I feel a little relief for getting my feelings out - I am more calm now - but I feel bad for "dogging my husband out". Even if he does put me through hell - I feel like I have betrayed him - by speaking out loud about how screwed up things are. It actually scared me. I feel like I have turned against him - but the truth is we spouses are at battle now with this disorder. This is a very destructive thing - this PTSD. And I say, "Girl we need some help!" because I for one - am exhausted. Please do what you need to do - it's like on an airplane when they say, "In the event of a loss of cabin pressure - place the oxegen mask over your mouth before you assist your child or anyone else" Because you can't help anyone else if you can't breathe. Breeeaathe sister.
  8. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

    :hello: Kim,

    When you feel like this:wall: and we spouses often do, some type of relief is necessary. Talking to someone will sorta "drain the sore spot" so to speak. Like an infection, in order for it to heal, the funky stuff has to go. Then apply a med to keep out the infection. In a round about way venting helps us to "drain the sore spot" and learning new things about PTSD just might be considered to be some of the med to keep out the infection.

    I often feel :wall: or :crazy: sometimes :crazy-eye escpecially when you are with a sufferer.

    All kinds of things happen that can make us feel "frustrated" & "infuriated"
    least I do anyway. Sometimes crying takes care of the problem, altho I usually get a headache. I get really ticked off sometimes, yell, scream, etc and I realize those things don't help my hubby. Most people I talk to (like my friends) don't really understand PTSD. The people here do understand.


    ranger & I have our moments of good and bad as everyone does. He has a "short-fuse" to the explosion which occurrs fairly regularly over various minor things. Which make me feel totally crazy. I know there are things I do that make him feel just as crazy. NO betrayal. I love him, I am there for him. I believe under that ornery soldier is a wonderful loving man. The onery part comes out a lot (LOL). The soldier comes out in night terrors, triggers, injustices occur, etc (a lot & more often that I can handle sometimes).

    Needing to talk to someone makes you stronger and helps you heal. Then you can better help him.
    Help yourself to help him. I have to remember that myself sometimes..It is very important.

    hugs to you & your family (from me & my family)

  9. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    Kguyton - I love your analogy of the oxygen mask - it is so true and should be a spouse s motto. the thing is Ive noticed is spouses are so trying to make sense of the loved ones behaviour trying to accomodate and then fight and do good that by the time you realise something is radically wrong weve exhausted ourselves - time out for the next sequel rest and regroup to quote a military term!

    Keep in there KimDIm you are not doing anything wrong - it is not him you are fighting it is his behaviour at the moment. took me a time but now I dismiss his jibes and coldness and he is being very civil to me.

    I dont know if I will have any tongue left at this rate --- just keep biting it.:fart-face
  10. kimdim

    kimdim Member

    Thanks everyone for your replies, it has made me feel a lot better about speaking to someone. I know its got to be done and i probably will feel better.
    I had counselling a few years ago because of what happened in my life and it made me feel better and accept things that were not my fault.
    I know Scotts illness is not my fault but to see him struggle through every day breaks my heart to watch.
    Ive got to do this so that i can help him more and help myself too.
    Hugs to everyone.
  11. johnny_longtorso

    johnny_longtorso New Member

    hi kim-dealing with a spouse suffering from this condition is no fun--everyone that has posted will attest to that. By all means, find somone to unload your feelings onto. It helps to verbalize (or write) your feelings out to another, or even just to yourself. There is something about putting them out in an order that will make sense to someone else that makes the feelings seem less demanding and urgent. It helps you get a grip on them and manage them.
    Other than a couselor, social worker, or pastor/priest, I don't know who would be both impartial and willing to listen. Family and friends may not be the best choice, because they all have a stake in you. This board seems to be a good place for it, and venting is perfectly welcome.
  12. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    hmmm... knew I liked you for a reason. Good point and did not think of about the family and friends having "a stake in you". Impartial would help :) As would kindred souls here. And you told me I was lots of fun, always a surprise haha.
  13. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

    For what it's worth Kim I made a point of getting my own doc to see as soon as I could after my hubbys incident that caused his PTSD.
    Why? because I'm human & knew that if I didn't see someone myself it would only be a matter of time before it would be too emotionally draining on me. As much as our partners need help to heal, we too need help to learn new skills to cope with our new lives.
    I don't think of it as a "bad" thing or a sign that I am weak because I can't deal with things at times, I see it as a chance to learn what my strengths are & what I can do to become a better person. Not just for my hubby or child but for someone who is just as important.....ME!
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