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Do any of you have imaginary relationships to help you cope?

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Chem Lady

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In the last year or so I started imagining someone in my life who loved and liked me. I found it was really nice to imagine someone saying nice things to me, being proud of me, and caring about me. My parents have never really cared about me (my mom is BPD and my dad is and was completely emotionally unavailable), my siblings have followed in my parents foot steps, and, like a regular abused child, I married a narcissist. I have no one who I can say truly loves me. People have told me to love myself, but I’m far from being in a place where I can do that. So, I imagine that someone does. I’m very aware this person doesn’t exist, but I find it helps me feel good about myself and it helps me build confidence and value. It just seems like a strange thing to do as an adult. I’m curious if anyone else does this.
 
That sounds like maladaptive daydreaming. It's really not super unusual.
It doesn't get talked about much as it's exactly the kind of thing you would associate with "crazy". Alot of people do this though.
It is often employed as a coping mechanism (much like you have done) to combat feeling isolated.
 
I have suspicions that I had some form of Cptsd from childhood stuff, before my current stuff confirmed a bunch of compounded ptsd stuff and exploded my symptoms into extreme levels. But, in saying that I remember the only way I would be able to fall asleep was making up scenarios in my head as if I was in a soap opera. I sometimes would be male, or female. I found if I had recently watched a movie/show and liked the dynamic between two characters (usually two young lovers who had to prove their affection for each other would prevail all else) I would (in my mind) fill the role of whichever of the pair I in some way identified with). Of course it would always end up that these people were star crossed, but it seemed to fill the void I had of feeling any unconditional love.

For you, I’d challenge you to change the thought of you believing someone else loves you and cares for you, and think of it as yourself. If you need, think of a pseudo name for yourself. For example, Beyoncé has an alter ego of Sasha fierce...get it?
 
Thanks for sharing and for the idea.
Neverthesame, I kind of don’t think my imagining is maladaptive as I have complete control over it and it doesn’t disrupt my life at all. I choose to do it and I can stop whenever I need/want.
Stephernovas, thank you for sharing your experience. It helped to hear someone else’s version of it.
I totally hear your challenge, it seems similar to lots of things I’ve read about, heard and been encouraged to try. I’m very damaged in the self-love department and I think this is the best I can do at this stage in my life.
 
I think you misunderstand me chem lady.
I wasn't inferring that there's anything wrong with it, or for you doing it.
Maladaptive daydreaming is just the clinical term for what you described. I wasn't trying to suggest there's anything wrong with you doing it if it's helpful for you.
 
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I didn’t mean to imply that you were suggesting anything was wrong with me, Neverthesame. There are lots of terms that I haven’t heard of, and maladaptive daydreaming is one of those terms, so I looked it up and considered it for myself. I just mean it didn’t seem to really fit. It’s possible I haven’t thought of certain things in the right light. That happens all the time. It just didn’t seem to really fit. But I totally appreciate your input and I intend to watch myself to be sure this doesn’t become too intrusive in my daily life.
 
Dr Paul Gilbert, who is a clinical psychologist, has developed a therapy based on compassion. One exercise involves creating a compassionate other, just like you have described doing for yourself! If you google Paul Gilbert Compassionate Other, you will find more info on him and compassion focused therapy.
 
I sort of do something similar. Though mine is through playacting out the abuse with characters in my head. At the end of my playacting, I change the scenario of what happened by having a character give "me" (one of the characters in my head) the love they always needed; hugs and massages mostly and lots of listening and truly being heard. My playacting wasn't always like this though. It used to be only about the abuse and playing it out over and over again in my head and with my body.

It's amazing that I never thought about how my playacting has transformed over time to become more healing until I just wrote this now.
 
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