Do I even deserve to go on ?

Dartaniam345

New Here
I've ended up believing that I might not even deserve a life out of my familiar contest.
Growing up I always felt shamed, always got shouted at for little things to the point I feel as if I'm just an automaton incapable of thinking and acting for himself.
Acting for myself would just cause me and everyone around me problems.
Then I somehow managed to change school and finally make a decision for my future by myself.
I've tasted what acting for myself is and I can't get enough of it.
But one after another, all of the plans I had fell. Like seeds in a salty soil.
I still think of myself as a dumb automaton. Not deserving of anything out of my original shell. This, I found, ampers me a great deal due to fears, lack of self confidence and generally not healthy behaviours.
Isolation, dissociation and all that.
But I know what freedom tastes like, I want more of it. Bit still can't make it despite all of my tries.
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
What does freedom mean to you? What is that? Where do you see yourself in 1,2,5 years?
Freedom from my past, that's what It means to me for now.
I want a way out of my family, of where I lived.
I'm selfish for saying so but I want to be on my own whether it is in a house or six feets under.
In 1-5 years, I hope to be working somewhere and having a stable financial situation out of my childhood places perhaps even another country entirely.
I know I won't be "free" but I feel like I'm a shell that's slowly closing and never gonna open again.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
It's not selfish to want good things for yourself. Do you still live with your family? What kind of work would you like to do?
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
It might not be but can't help thinking I'm to blame for thinking to get away from my family with whom I still live for now.
I have an industrial chemistry diploma a'd I wish to workssomewhere where I can do chemistry doesn't matter the branch.
I'm gonna pay for my uni studies while working because I feel like studying is a safeguard for me .
What about you if I may ask ?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I'm lucky enough to have somewhere to live but I don't work. Haven't worked in over a decade. But I'm very active in my recovery, I pay for a private counselor and attend various groups which gets me out being social and gives structure to my week.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I don't quite understand your question because of the way it's worded. Do you mean yourd rather read all the time rather than have nothing else to do?
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
Sometimes I'd rather read and do nothing but let me rephrase .
Giving structure to my life is something that I obsessively think about. Rather than having unplanned events happening I'd rather narrow down the things I do just to have a structure for the day.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I might not even deserve
Hear you. "I don't deserve" is something I've been battling for a long time, and for me, I think it's very much tied to a pervasive sense of shame over who I am (in my mind). Definitely core belief territory.

I still think of myself as a dumb automaton.
Is this possibly a second core belief, although also fuelled by shame?

For me, working on changing dysfunctional core beliefs takes a 2-pronged approach.

First, working through the cause in therapy. Which is hard and painful but I think it needs to be done, to uncover how it's not true. Me being treated like I didn't deserve love? Doesn't mean I didn't deserve love. It just meant the people caring for me were doing a shit job. That rational foundation sets me in the kind of place where I can start to change what I have believed for so long.

The second part is creating a life, now, through my behaviours, that are inconsistent with those core beliefs. So that they can change. Core beliefs do really well when we behave in a way where we're constantly reinforcing them, providing new evidence to prove they're true.

Easy example: tolerating people treating me like crap. I try not to do that anymore. Requiring people to treat me like I deserve to be here, like I deserve kindness and compassion, creates an environment where the neural pathways in my brain can start travelling a different route: maybe I do deserve this...

In 1-5 years, I hope to be working somewhere and having a stable financial situation out of my childhood places perhaps even another country entirely.
Sounds fantastic. This is an excellent SMART goal. Measureable, time limited, the whole works. So, if you can, break it down to what needs to happen to make this goal happen, and make sure you include things you're already doing to make this happen.
Giving structure to my week or even months is something I find myself doing everytime.
Right? It's crazy how much aa healthy routine influences our mental health. Security, certainty, being able to predict important things are going to happen. But also on a physiological level.

Behavioural Activation is based on this. But also, when you go into a mental health facility (which I've done many, many times), irrespective of the mental illness that brings you there, perhaps the single most important thing they provide (very deliberately) is routine. Meals happen at predictable times. Sleep happens at a predictable time. Meds, activities, relaxation, visitors - every part of the day is broken down into a routine, and most often, you can find that routine printed out on a timetable somewhere so that you can follow it.

Routine doesn't mean "no more spontaneity for you, ever". But it is a rock solid (and arguably essential) basis for good mental health. The nuances vary from person to person (I don't need my routine in 10-minute-interval detail, but some people do), but the foundation is the same.

Managing my own mental health? Routine is a critical part of that picture - I've roughly recreated a hospital-day and continue to follow that routine at home and have done for years now. It makes perfect sense to me that you function better with routine.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah I understand. The thing with ptsd is that you can have things that you want or need to do but suddenly can't do them because your feeling too unwell. Like because you've been having flashbacks or something. I mean for me, I used to be highly motivated but now even getting out and doing some shopping is a big event. I take it as a major victory leaving the flat and doing that.

Or maybe like today. I felt awful this morning and had to go for counselling. Went and felt much better for it but sometimes communicating with other people is f*cking hard work because there's so much shit on my mind.
 
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