Do I have cPTSD or PTSD?

Bri2006

New Here
So, I am starting to think I have cPTSD or PTSD.
I was sexually assaulted (probably!?) by this kid for 1-2 years (cant remember anything) when I was 6-8 years old (again, could be off by a year)

I havent told anyone this, and i am now 14 years old. My mom was an alcoholic before going to AA, and nobody really pays any attention to me. I often get blamed for things I didnt do (eg I get told im gaslighting for sitting on the armrest of a chair my dad is sitting in and that causes it to move/shake.)

But I have been experiencing dissociation, angry outbursts, emotional swings, etc, for as long as I can remember. I thought it was normal to feel like the world wasnt real, or to feel like you need to punch the wall, then feeling like your going to break down crying, than yelling, and then running away out of embarrassment. I am so polished when someone doesnt know me, I have been called a model student and a gifted kid and stuff, but everything feels fake. Its like- im going to die anyways. But im also going through puberty (ew) and basically now I hate myself MORE and its hard to tell what is due to my trauma and my surpressed shame and embarresment and perversion or puberty!?

Also, I told 3 people while it was happening to me and nobody cared (boys cant get raped, its your fault, etc.) My mom actually started yelling at me about how me saying that was disrespectful to people with "actual problems." I thought I was going off the deep end when my surpression turned into a mummy sitting in my doorway asking for his mom while slowly reaching out for me and sobbing. I drew him all the time, he had like 6 rows of purple eye bags and putrid, black pupils. I started feeling paranoid, and anxious, and dissociative, etc.

I surpressed my trauma so severely i had forgotten about it a month after it ended. But the paranoia and surpressed feelings kept getting worse

Now im here, 2 am on a sunday night, dissociating while listening to billie eilish's lovely, and trying to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with me.

So please help.
 

Lucycat

Sponsor
Hi @Bri2006 ,
welcome to the forum. I’m guessing you have already noted that nobody on here can diagnose you with anything. It sound like you have lots of struggles going on and need some real life help. If your parents are not taking you seriously is there a teacher you trust? Or perhaps an uncle who would help you?
You should Not have to go through this alone, and I know at 14 it is difficult to access therapy or counselling without adult on your side, certainly here in the UK anyway.
You do need help, but in the first instance it needs to be in real life.
 

Bri2006

New Here
Hi @Bri2006 ,
welcome to the forum. I’m guessing you have already noted that nobody on here can diagnose you with anything. It sound like you have lots of struggles going on and need some real life help. If your parents are not taking you seriously is there a teacher you trust? Or perhaps an uncle who would help you?
You should Not have to go through this alone, and I know at 14 it is difficult to access therapy or counselling without adult on your side, certainly here in the UK anyway.
You do need help, but in the first instance it needs to be in real life.
I do have a therapist, otherwise I wouldnt have known anything. I had very much forgotten.

Yeah I know you guys cant diagnose me, i mostly wrote that out of desperation because it was really late and I was dissociating a lot (I am pretty sure its dissociation cuz thats what my therapist said).

You guys are very welcoming, thank you!!!
 

Bri2006

New Here
I do have a therapist, otherwise I wouldnt have known anything. I had very much forgotten.

Yeah I know you guys cant diagnose me, i mostly wrote that out of desperation because it was really late and I was dissociating a lot (I am pretty sure its dissociation cuz thats what my therapist said).

You guys are very welcoming, thank you!!!
Sorry used the wrong word, I didnt forget i repressed them (it was very much affecting my life.)
 

Freida

Sponsor
Oh hun....
First...the basics
yes - boys can be raped, it IS a real problem and nothing that happened was your fault.

I'm really glad you have a therapist - maybe you could also talk to her about coming here and finding people who won't judge you? I think that would be a good conversation to have because it shows you aren't alone

plus there are men on this site who were abused as kids - so they will truly understand what you are going thru.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I am so sorry that those things happened to you. As others have said, it's not your fault and boys can be raped.

I know how hard it is to reach out for help at your age. When I was in high school, I reached out for help only to have my mom get involved. She banned me from therapy completely and told me I was an embarrassment to her. Although most teachers do care (I myself am a teacher at this point in my life), we have to take certain steps once we hear this situation. We're also pretty limited as to what we can do to help. It sucks. So as much as we would desperately want to help you, some of the reporting things we legally have to do could make things worse for you in the short term.

Keep working with your therapist. I know I'm trying to get in the mindset of being wounded instead of broken. Something that is broken can usually be fixed quickly but wounds take time. Try to be patient with yourself. I know it's the hardest thing in the world when there is so much pain and telling someone to be patient is easy.
 
Top