Do I tell my fiancée

[Soconfused7468]

Hello I have posted in the introduction page ,wasn’t sure what one to post on but hopefully this one is ok
I’m a guy in his 50s who has a loverly fiancée but she don’t know about what happened to me growing up which has left me with anxiety and depression and left me on quite a bit of medication and tranquillisers , I have had counselling but not done much

My mum forever what warped reason dressed me in girls clothes along with spanking when I misbehaved but it was the fact she done it in front if family and friends and as you can imagine I was a complete laughing stock especially at school and it was awful growing up , now today I like to dress god knows why and I do like to be dominated too , I so want to tell her but I’m scared of losing her ,not many of my relationships have lasted but this one has

Any tips/advice please
Thank you for reading

 

[Sideways]

It blows my mind that you’re dealing with depression and anxiety without a T. Life doesn’t need to be this hard - it really doesn’t. You deserve support, and you deserve to heal.

As for the relationship part - how comfortable would you be, being married to this person without talking to them about something that is a huge part of your self-concept? Would you want your partner to keep that information from you, if keeping it from you was causing them distress?

So, how do you talk about it with them? For me, I always plan out how to have that conversation by starting with: what do I want them to do with this information? I’ve always found that an incredibly helpful way to figure out how to have that conversation, and make sure that it doesn’t just end as a big, depressing cloud that hangs over us both.

 

[Friday]

Do you tell? Depends on what your want.

Secrets, but no lies.
Lies, but no secrets.
Secrets and lies.
Full honesty; no secrets & no lies.

Every relationship is different. What’s yours?

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m personally telling nobody about my past ever again, outside of medical professionals as sooner or later it’s used against me. I can technically hide it all under the umbrella of “anxiety” which is what I have already done in less personal situations. I’m never going to heal if I keep having my past thrown in my face as proof that I’m a horrible person as it feeds into my OCD symptoms which are actually worse, by far.

 

[Movingforward10]

There is telling and there is telling. If that makes sense.
I had thought I told my partner, of nearly 20 years, a brief outline when we first got together. Turns out what I thought they knew, they didn't know. Because I said one sentence once and never ever again.
Then, 4 years ago, I started to say more as it became more present in my life again. And it wasn't a one off conversation but something that has been unfolding since then.

So there is telling and telling.

What kind of person is she? Is she someone who has empathy, understanding? Is she someone who has experienced trauma or has experience of being with people who experienced trauma? (I e. Is she going to be able to hear what happened to you and, whilst she understandably would have feelings about you having to go through that, be able to respond to you?)
And then in terms of you wanting to dress up now and being dominated now. Is this something she is going to hear for the first time? Has she expressed wanting to do domination? Or is this outside of her sensibilities?

Lots of us replicate our abuse. Some people find it helpful. Some people find it harmful. I wonder how you find it? And I wonder how you feel about bringing your fiance into that space? If you were to find it harmful, and you invite your fiance to be part of it, how do you then view your fiance? (Will she become an abuser in your eyes and then the relationship feel familiar but unsafe?) So I wonder if you need to tread carefully for yourself and for her about what and how you talk about these desires. And seek therapy to explore it all first before inviting her into this part of re-enacting your past abuse?

 

[arfie]

in my own 43 year partnership, i believe in the fullest possible disclosure. i say, "fullest possible" because the psycho snot knots of having been raised as a child prostitute keep sending me surprises and uncovering lies i had been telling myself. i can't disclose what i am hiding from myself. the meanest lies in the world are the ones i tell myself.

to my senses, a partner i have to hide my personal truths from is not worth fostering. keeping our relations open and honest has provided its own set of challenges, but i remain glad i started our relationship with the fullest possible disclosure.

i also believe that the secret to a sustainable relationship is, "customize, customize, customize." let your relationship be unlike any other on the planet.

steadying support while you create your own customizations in whatever form fits your own unique case.

 

[Soconfused7468]

Thank you everybody for all your advice I have a lot to think about

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if one more opinion is useful, as it is only that, and a humble one at best.

At first reading your post @Soconfused7468 I would have said, of course it is necessary to disclose (if you are able) because it was not your fault and you are not defined by others wrong actions nor your response to them and you're talking about long-term commitment and challenges (and joy, hopefully).

But then I also thought, that is based on 'me'- I would feel empathy and not minimize. But neither would I share a partner's details with anyone else nor treat them with pity. As I see it as an act of bravery. I think in terms of marriage it would also be an influencing 3rd entity that would arise silently. But as @Movingforward10 said Idk what she is like.

However, you also express what sounds like re-enactment (totally normally btw). My experience (more than opinion) is that that is potentially disastrous for the long term, especially if you heal. Simply because (IMHO only) re-enacting what you yourself described as 'warped' and that caused/ causes you great shame and made you feel like a laughing stock, is bound to be very difficult to dis-entagle from a current (hopefully healthy) relationship with your partner. Projecting on them the feelings you had towards your mother may paint them in the wrong light. At worst it also won't manage to heal the feelings you had when it occurred. In many ways I feel it's (our) attempt to heal it, or self-minimization (avoidance) by means of repetition. By analogy, a person who is raped or abused ending up with re-enacting rape or abuse (or shame) while in the Driver's seat, so to speak. So yes familiar, but rarely produces the desired end of self and other healthy love. (Not saying it might not for others, just me experience. My choices in that vein much younger personally didn't end well).

Not to say also, but you might want to consider it, but healing away from it might be facilitated by the fact your fiancee is not your mother, and wouldn't want to shame you or punish you or demean you. (Hopefully) she and the relationship is safe (even if not familiar) for the very opposite reasons. And to recognize when you feel like she is punishing you, but she isn't; that is due to fearing it after your experiences and how it colors your perspective (fear).

I agree with @arfie to go with your gut and heart. I cannot imagine wanting to be married to someone I had to hide everything core or impactful from, nor they from me, but I also know I'm an oddball in considering such disclosures pretty sacred. I also know I can't imagine disclosing a lot. But then again trust to me is something I have to choose and constantly remind myself of the moment why I knew it was right to choose, and not be misled by fears and doubt. (There is much fear choosing that, for me anyway.)

Only you know what's best for you. Your relationship made it this far for a reason, and likely based on the fact she doesn't see you as you might see yourself after your mother's actions. That is not because you haven't disclosed but rather because you are not as your mother's actions made you feel. You are not laughable and most definitely shouldn't have to feel shame-filled. Wounded is not laughable or damaged. Nor are your desires weird in particular considering what you have suffered. And all children start by wanting to be loved, especially by their mother. Also hard if you both loved her and depended on her, but equally suffered greatly, or your greatest initial sufferings, at her hands.

Maybe there is a better way ahead, that reduces or eliminates much of the anxiety and depression too that isn't either/or.

Welcome to you. Best wishes.

 

[LuckiLee]

Supporter here. Yes. I think you should tell them. They should know about your disorders and you deserve to be your authentic self in your marriage. You don't have to divulge the trauma but I feel it wouldn't be fair to either partner to marry someone without disclosing something like that. You're taking their choice away.

I know people who desperately hide who they really are in their relationships and they are miserable people. The one person who you should feel most comfortable with is your spouse. In my opinion.

Are you able to get into therapy before you make a commitment like this? I feel you need someone in real life to help you navigate this. Maybe couples counseling eventually.

I hope you're able to tell them and I hope they embrace you. You deserve nothing less. Very sorry for all you have been through! Sending support from across the miles.

 

[Freddyt]

How about we change the question to do you think you can hide it from your fiance?

If you can post a message to thousands of unknown people how different is than than talking to one person face to face?