Do you all go to sleep each night and pray that you just won't wake up anymore, as well?

Jafo

New Here
Do you all go to sleep each night and pray that you just won't wake up anymore?

I spend each night praying that I just don't wake up anymore. I'm so tired of dealing with this each day and being separated from my family just makes the feelings more intense. As I've said, I don't believe in suicide since I've seen how it affects the families and those who respond, but I truly wish God would just stop my heart as I sleep even if I wake up in Hell at least I won't be causing anyone anymore pain or anger.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Yeah, I did for years. It was my norm for the first thoughts to come into my brain when I woke up in the morning were about whether I'd keep going. To the point where one of the most important tasks my Assistance Dog was trained to do was jump on me when I woke up and persistently play with me to help me disengage from the thoughts and function.

Fwiw? They're no longer as persistent or regular for me. It took a lot of treatment to make some meaningful progress on my depression, but I'm definitely getting somewhere.
 
HI @Jafo yes I have. But often someone else died and I sort of started to get creeped out, tbh. I too no longer have that although occasionally and just a week or 2 ago, along with SI.

It isn't odd, probably not rare. You need self care, self compassion (probably the furthest thing from your mind or perceived ability), sleep too.

Fwiw your family probably loves you very much and wants to see you get well.

Welcome to you.
 

Friday

Moderator
I’m the opposite. Been known to stay awake for days / intermittently terrified of dying while I’m asleep & can’t do anything to stop it.

When I get death-wishy I tend to actively put myself in harms way.

Which isn’t to say I have t woken up disappointed to still be alive, but I didn’t go to sleep that way.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i have gone through such years and still find myself uttering those prayers on the rough days. my primary motivation for finding a new prayer was watching other family members carry the mindset into decades. some days i opine that the family tradition is even more damaging than suicide. maybe. it be a tough call, but. . .

i decided to see what was behind door number 3. it still ain't perfect, but it is certainly more hopeful.

healing hopes for all. no exceptions. just praying. . .
 
Do you all go to sleep each night and pray that you just won't wake up anymore?

I spend each night praying that I just don't wake up anymore. I'm so tired of dealing with this each day and being separated from my family just makes the feelings more intense. As I've said, I don't believe in suicide since I've seen how it affects the families and those who respond, but I truly wish God would just stop my heart as I sleep even if I wake up in Hell at least I won't be causing anyone anymore pain or anger.
I have felt this way many a night. This forum as well as Adult Children Anonymous mtgs plus a few good therapists have helped pull me back from the brink.

You are not alone. I hope you can find some peace and comfort soon. Pete Walkers books have helped me as well.
 

Friday

Moderator
I’ve died a couple/few times.

The ONLY thing that changed? My ability to do anything about “it”.

I was still in exactly as much pain, regret, remorse, all of it. But I had no ability to effect any kind of change, reconciliation, new directions, etc.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
Yes. I still struggle with the longings for death…like a dear friend just out of reach. The worst part for me is the waking with doom. Just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. It is not easy, but it can get better. Emotions are messengers, we can listen to what they are telling us…but, like all emotions…they never last forever. Feel the feelings then let them go. Sending hugs 🫂
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you all. I just feel worthless and feel if I'd just die at least I'd have peace.
I felt this way for years, literally decades. The only problem with that thought is that we actually don't know what happens after we die. It may be just nothingness or it may be something not at all peaceful.
 
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