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Sexual Assault Do you care about labelling your assault as rape?

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The unnamed 23yr old photographer’s account of sexual assault by Aziz Ansari that’s been brought to light recently has made me feel uneasy. Much of what she detailed, the coercion, her repeatedly saying “no”, him motioning so she could perform oral s*x on him, was so similar to my own experience. It’s been triggering both to read and to see public response to the story. People coming at his defence, saying she should’ve been more assertive and that there were mixed signals and how was he to know, despite her verbal and non verbal cues. Even going to the lengths of saying but she did perform oral on him so how now can she turn around and say it was sexual assault. In my view from reading the story what happened that night was date rape; from her story she in no way consented to sex and what took place after her discomfort and “no” was forced, and, on his part, entitled.
There’s a lot more I could say but what I’m really trying to get to is whether labels matter to you in defining what happened.
I know it matters to me. That from my experience I have always felt invalidated because I didn’t fit the mould of the “perfect victim”, because I was on a date with this boy, and had allowed him to meet at my house on us first getting to know one another, and had smoked weed with him, and even kissed him. I know I feel invalidated because I’ve had even close friends disregard what happened to me as r*pe because it was oral penetration, becaue of this apparent grey area, of what happened to me wasn’t right but I can’t claim it was that “forbidden” word.
I know what it was and how it made me feel: that I said no multiple times just like she had, turned my body away from him so he couldn’t press his private area so close to my face (non verbal cue), how I begged him while he forced himself towards me, and pulled my head in towards it, and straddled over me and continued to coerce me, how numbing the experience was, and how lifeless I felt doing it.
To me, it matters to say what happened that night was r*pe because without it I can’t grieve in the same way, without feeling judgement from others trying to put what happened to me on a scale of “not so bad to terrible”, or that I’m overdramatising a situation I felt powerless in, taking away from “real” survivors who went through “real” rape.
I hope this makes sense.
 
He coerced you, pressured you do do something you didn't want to do. I encourage you to look at RAINN's resources, especially their Sexual Assault page. On RAINN's page, they say that "Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body" is sexual assault. It's serious.

"For its Uniform Crime Reports, the FBI defines rape as 'penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.'” - Taken from RAINN's sexual assault page.

Seven out of ten sexual assaults are by someone known to the victim (Sexual Assault | RAINN).

I hope this helps.
 
You can claim the word rape! That is what was done to you. Don’t share those details with peopl...
Using intimidation and coercion how dare men like that turn around and say I didn’t realise I had done anything wrong. Never ending cycle of entitled men, and “women who should no better”, because in a situation like this I am somehow responsible for both of us and YOUR actions reflect poorly on me.
You can claim the word rape! That is what was done to you. Don’t share those details with people about how you smoked pot, etc. It’s none of their business exactly how the assault happened.
Thank you.
 
Fwiw - there may be legal reasons why she is using the phrase ‘coercive sex’ rather than rape.

Depending on where the offence occurred, what she is alleging may be something ofher than rape, as well as potential defamation issues if she accuses him of an offence that he hasn’t been found guilty of.

I find the articles that argue that a) she must have been into it to participate; or b) this is normal behaviour for a guy to chase after and ‘persuade’ a girl? It’s pretty enraging. But I do take some comfort in the fact that there do seem to be more and more journalists willing to say it like it is. Even the fact that the public has some interest in issue, and is having a dialogue about what is, and isn’t, acceptable treatment seems like a small step forward to me.
 
The unnamed 23yr old photographer’s account of sexual assault by Aziz Ansari that’s been br...

I think you should re-read what happened to Grace.

In her account, she gave what she thought to be verbal and non-verbal cues. Nowhere is it said that she actually used the word “NO” until later in the encounter, and when she did say “no” to sex, he listened. Cues? WTF are “cues?”

She also said she went to the bathroom to collect herself and when she came back said something along the lines of how she didn’t want to feel pressured because then she’d hate him and she didn’t want to hate him. But then continued by giving him oral sex. These are mixed messages. No wonder Aziz thought the encounter was consensual.

I’m on the side of this being a bad date. If you can’t say “NO” when you mean “NO”, then you’re not ready for the dating world. (Referring to Grace, not you.) “Cues” are not enough! One person may think they are giving a cue, but the other person may not be picking up on it.

People like Grace are diminishing the me too movement. IMHO.

Don’t compare yourself to her.
 
Hi @lookingfor help... You were violated, forced, humiliated..... Raped.
I hope that none of your friends ever have to go through. Alot of time's people really don't know what to say... And say something stupid.
What matters is that you felt raped... Sorry.. I now you have to live with it.. The nightmares, fear, all of the stuff we here have to through.

I really I'm sorry and hope you are getting help, therapy... Medication if needed... Take care and hugs..
 
I think you should re-read what happened to Grace.

In her account, she gave what she thought to...
I don’t think I could read it again. It was hard the first time, and kept bringing me back to memories of that night. I know where our stories are different but the coercion and persistence from him I read really reminded me of my own experience, remembering how aggressive he’d been.

In my opinion, and what I’ve shared with friends over the Aziz story is that men don’t seem to care. In a general sense they’re just so conditioned to feel like their sense of entitlement is right, and they’re owed sex by women, and so actively pursue that, pressure women, ignore discomfort and body language which says otherwise. From what I remember Grace said “not tonight.” and pulled away from him multiple times. I feel like he really abused his power in the situation.

I’ve seen a lot of people argue it but I don’t see how it diminishes the me too movement, when it’s sparked up what I feel is a much needed discussion on consent that resonates even more with everyday dating. And sadly open the eyes of a lot of women who have experienced unwanted advances like this and in the moment felt a pressure to appease the person in front of them despite their discomfort, despite not wanting anymore from the situation.
 
I don’t think I could read it again. It was hard the first time, and kept bringing me back to...

I read the account on babe multiple times. Nowhere does she say “not tonight”. She gives “cues” up until the end where he says no and then he calls her an Uber. I think if you’re going to say this incident is just like yours and then use it as a way to feel bad, it would help if the incident was actually rape. No, it was not. It was a bad date with a guy who wasn’t very good on picking up on cues. Again, if you can’t be assertive enough to say “no” beyond the cue playing game, you shouldn’t be dating. I’m not saying this as an attack on you. I’m saying that it’s doing you no good to compare yourself to this woman.
 
The difference between rape and sexual assault? My understanding is that rape is only when there is forced/involuntary penetration and/or exchange of fluids. Sexual assault is a much broader scope, anything physical that is of a sexual nature and done offensively, involuntarily, and is offensive. So if I slapped a woman on the butt and squeezed it,that could be sexual assault if it is against her will and offensive. On the other hand, if I did that to my wife, it would not be (she liked it when I did it, what can I say?).
 
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