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The unnamed 23yr old photographer’s account of sexual assault by Aziz Ansari that’s been brought to light recently has made me feel uneasy. Much of what she detailed, the coercion, her repeatedly saying “no”, him motioning so she could perform oral s*x on him, was so similar to my own experience. It’s been triggering both to read and to see public response to the story. People coming at his defence, saying she should’ve been more assertive and that there were mixed signals and how was he to know, despite her verbal and non verbal cues. Even going to the lengths of saying but she did perform oral on him so how now can she turn around and say it was sexual assault. In my view from reading the story what happened that night was date rape; from her story she in no way consented to sex and what took place after her discomfort and “no” was forced, and, on his part, entitled.
There’s a lot more I could say but what I’m really trying to get to is whether labels matter to you in defining what happened.
I know it matters to me. That from my experience I have always felt invalidated because I didn’t fit the mould of the “perfect victim”, because I was on a date with this boy, and had allowed him to meet at my house on us first getting to know one another, and had smoked weed with him, and even kissed him. I know I feel invalidated because I’ve had even close friends disregard what happened to me as r*pe because it was oral penetration, becaue of this apparent grey area, of what happened to me wasn’t right but I can’t claim it was that “forbidden” word.
I know what it was and how it made me feel: that I said no multiple times just like she had, turned my body away from him so he couldn’t press his private area so close to my face (non verbal cue), how I begged him while he forced himself towards me, and pulled my head in towards it, and straddled over me and continued to coerce me, how numbing the experience was, and how lifeless I felt doing it.
To me, it matters to say what happened that night was r*pe because without it I can’t grieve in the same way, without feeling judgement from others trying to put what happened to me on a scale of “not so bad to terrible”, or that I’m overdramatising a situation I felt powerless in, taking away from “real” survivors who went through “real” rape.
I hope this makes sense.
There’s a lot more I could say but what I’m really trying to get to is whether labels matter to you in defining what happened.
I know it matters to me. That from my experience I have always felt invalidated because I didn’t fit the mould of the “perfect victim”, because I was on a date with this boy, and had allowed him to meet at my house on us first getting to know one another, and had smoked weed with him, and even kissed him. I know I feel invalidated because I’ve had even close friends disregard what happened to me as r*pe because it was oral penetration, becaue of this apparent grey area, of what happened to me wasn’t right but I can’t claim it was that “forbidden” word.
I know what it was and how it made me feel: that I said no multiple times just like she had, turned my body away from him so he couldn’t press his private area so close to my face (non verbal cue), how I begged him while he forced himself towards me, and pulled my head in towards it, and straddled over me and continued to coerce me, how numbing the experience was, and how lifeless I felt doing it.
To me, it matters to say what happened that night was r*pe because without it I can’t grieve in the same way, without feeling judgement from others trying to put what happened to me on a scale of “not so bad to terrible”, or that I’m overdramatising a situation I felt powerless in, taking away from “real” survivors who went through “real” rape.
I hope this makes sense.