Do you dissociate with specific people even in non threatening situations?

[beaneeboo]

I've always been intrigued about this... since being a teenager I've dissociated particularly around my mum... it's a classic depersonlisation / derealisation thing which kicks in often when I'm just talking with her... sitting down doing nothing but talking.

Does this happen to others?

Is it normal?

Anyone know why this can happen?

 

[Friday]

Sure. Some people just make my eyes glaze over, no matter how much I’m attempting to pay attention to them.

Others the only way I can not get emotionally invested in their nonsense is to take a mental step back. Lalalalalalala.

It’s a pretty normal thing.

There are ways that can be totally to relatively abnormal, as well. In response to stress, past trauma, and totally separate unrelated issues. Either due to the person themselves, nothing about the person but the situation, and nada to do with the person, or the situation, but totally a me-thing. As well as any combo of all 3.

 

[arfie]

i'm not too certain within my pre-therapy dissociation, but these days i often do so by design to help me through a dreary event. for example, fulfilling bureaucratic necessities such as an academic sign up, visiting people i don't especially like or a medical waiting room. i only NEED to be there far enough sign on the dotted line. no point to committing the rest of myself to the torture.

involuntary dissociation can be downright dangerous. mindful dissociation can be a source of comfort.
at least. . . that's my theory and i'm sticking to it.

 

[beaneeboo]

Thanks Friday and arfie...I think on reflection I'm not choosing to dissociate around my mum... it's not in relation to a boring situation with her... not sure i can choose whether i disconnect or not in general... think I just find myself doing it and sometimes I have control coming back out . But never going in...?

 

[DharmaGirl]

If you make sure you're present while talking to her the dissociation will stop. Feel your feet on the floor, touch something and feel the result, things like that. The more you practice being present, the less you will dissociate. Everyone dissociates to some degree, people with PTSD just do it more.

 

[arfie]

not sure i can choose whether i disconnect or not in general... think I just find myself doing it and sometimes I have control coming back out . But never going in...?

this was true for me early on. awareness i of the phenom made for some huge differences. i still have people i involuntarily dissociate with. rather than try to control my involuntary responses, i mindfully work with them and focus on the bit of backing out, as needed. my sensory perception of the process is something like letting the television play in the background while i do other things. i remain aware enough that i can redirect my attention if something interesting comes up.

 

[Aprilshowers]

This became a big problem for me years ago. At the time I didn't realize I was suffering from depersonalization. It was perfectly normal for me to check out of ongoing conversations with a group of a friends or mentally disconnect whenever, wherever. Sometimes I would snap back when my friends would be loudly calling my name and asking, "Where are you??" I would just laugh it off. It actually became a problem when I had my first child. It was dangerous for me to zone out when I was responsible for a helpless baby. I still was not aware I had an emotional disorder. I was greatly motivated to stop this behavior because of my baby's safety. It wasn't easy, but with determination I was able to abandon zoning out completely. But as I said, I was highly motivated!

 

[beaneeboo]

If you make sure you're present while talking to her the dissociation will stop. Feel your feet on the floor, touch something and feel the result, things like that. The more you practice being present, the less you will dissociate. Everyone dissociates to some degree, people with PTSD just do it more.

Thank you...I do this but it doesn't stop it from happening (as in me going into it)... helps me come out of it but it comes in very quickly without warning going in... I've been doing it for like nearly 30 years (that i can remember) around her ... my mum is not a threat to me in anyway so it's more just intrigues me.. why her? Why when she speaks? I know you don't have the answer!

this was true for me early on. awareness i of the phenom made for some huge differences. i still have people i involuntarily dissociate with. rather than try to control my involuntary responses, i mindfully work with them and focus on the bit of backing out, as needed. my sensory perception of the process is something like letting the television play in the background while i do other things. i remain aware enough that i can redirect my attention if something interesting comes up.

Yes arfie I understand your analogy completely... interesting that it doesn't happen so much with you now... when you say 'involuntary dissociation I'm intrigued as to whether you mean it can happen at any point with anyone... or whether you have a few specific people this happens with repeatedly (like me with my mum) ...

This became a big problem for me years ago. At the time I didn't realize I was suffering from depersonalization. It was perfectly normal for me to check out of ongoing conversations with a group of a friends or mentally disconnect whenever, wherever. Sometimes I would snap back when my friends would be loudly calling my name and asking, "Where are you??" I would just laugh it off. It actually became a problem when I had my first child. It was dangerous for me to zone out when I was responsible for a helpless baby. I still was not aware I had an emotional disorder. I was greatly motivated to stop this behavior because of my baby's safety. It wasn't easy, but with determination I was able to abandon zoning out completely. But as I said, I was highly motivated!

Sounds like the dissociation has been really intense for you aprilshowers... kudos to you for getting help when you realised you needed it especially with your main motivator being your child... incredibile you've learned to stop it completely - I didn't even realise that is something that can be aimed for with dissociation

Reflecting on what you've said... I'm pretty sure my son zones out more than other kids... wondering if my own dissociative issues can be passed down indirectly. Not something likely to be answered here i know

 

[Friday]

I've been doing it for like nearly 30 years (that i can remember) around her ..

Then it would be idiotic to expect you could stop on a dime.

Expect months/years of ongoing practice to deal with something THAT established.

It may well stop on a dime, if it’s trauma-related, & you process that trauma… but? More than likely it’s going to take a good long while.

 

[beaneeboo]

Then it would be idiotic to expect you could stop on a dime.

Expect months/years of ongoing practice to deal with something THAT established.

It may well stop on a dime, if it’s trauma-related, & you process that trauma… but? More than likely it’s going to take a good long while.

Thanks Friday. I wasn't expecting it to stop on a dime. As I said I'm more interested in why it happens with some particular people. Why it's triggered consistently when I'm with them. I had zero expectations that it would stop at all.

 

[Sideways]

I've been doing it for like nearly 30 years (that i can remember) around her ... my mum is not a threat to me in anyway

I have DID and typically dissociate around my mum for even the most benign situations.

I had a lot of trauma going on when I was a kid. And I very much felt obliged to behave a certain way around my mum. I can’t just let everything go and be myself. If I’m emotional, she’s never been a person I can be emotional with. For complicated reasons.

So I dissociate. Always have. Potentially always will. That’s particular coping strategy is pretty hardwired. I could work on it, but it’s not currently a priority for me, because it works quite well for me.

There’s a lot of layers of emotional stuff with our parents when you have complex trauma on board. I dissociate a lot. It’s one of my go-to coping strategies for a whole range of stressful situations. It’s probably habitual in a lot of situations. And it’s definitely easier and more natural than staying grounded in any situation where I feel some need to keep my shit together.

If you can pull apart why it’s stressful (why is it causing me to dissociate), quite often you can then address that issue in order to dissociate less.

Add regular practice of grounding, or learning to anchor yourself. So that you can do that almost as reflex.

 

[beaneeboo]

I very much felt obliged to behave a certain way around my mum. I can’t just let everything go and be myself. If I’m emotional, she’s never been a person I can be emotional with.
.

Thanks sideways. You've given lots of good for thought.

I had never considered this about my own situation. This is true for me. My mum IS a safe person and doesn't threaten me in any way. But she had no idea growing up of the internal struggles- of my experience of the world. She's completely separate from that part of me. So this may possibly be a reason for why I can do that in front of her with no warning even without a concrete trigger.

There’s a lot of layers of emotional stuff with our parents when you have complex trauma on board.

Had never considered this in relation to my mum actually - her being the safe one. But actually I guess if I'm experiencing a different world completely outside of my world with her which was/is never acknowledged between us, I can see that this in itself brings complexitiIf you can pull apart why it’s stressful (why is it causing me to dissociate), quite often you can then address that issue in order to dissociate less.

If you can pull apart why it’s stressful (why is it causing me to dissociate), quite often you can then address that issue in order to dissociate less.

This is the tricky bit. It doesn't appear to be stressful at the time. But you've given me food for thought about the dynamic of being in inner turmoil and not being able (my whole life) to express this. I guess it can cause a spilt which then gets experienced as dissociation? I've been diagnosed with DDNOS - I struggle to think of this diagnosis as fitting me and my situation. But looking at this topic through that lense may provide an explanation too.

Add regular practice of grounding, or learning to anchor yourself. So that you can do that almost as reflex.

I'm learning this does seem to be a good idea!

Do you have a specific thing you do, or practice plan which you do to manage this?