bellbird
MyPTSD Pro
I've been feeling this a lot recently.
I'm sure my abusive relationship that I'm now 4 months free from is mostly to blame. In the time since leaving him, I've had the fortune of making 3 wonderful friends, we'll call them A, B and N.
The first time A referred to me as a 'friend' in a text conversation, I screenshotted it. And just re-read it over and over, yet still tried to convince myself that I must just be seeing what I wanted to see.
B and N sat in the ER with me for hours when I was hospitalised a few weeks ago, even though I had barely known them at the time. They showed me more kindness and support in that day than he showed me in 2 and a half years. Even though I hate to even compare them to him, because they are kind and he was truly awful. When we were finally seen by a doctor, the doctor asked who my support people were- "friends, family...?". They didn't even hesitate: "friends", they said in unison.
I still replay that conversation over and over in my head.
B just texted me. She knows I'm going through a rough time. "remember that I'll answer your call if you need me, ok". I just sat and looked at my phone totally speechless.
I visited N last week. Afterward she hugged me and thanked me for coming, told me how glad she was that I had. Told me that I fill her heart up.
A offered to take me shopping. For me, it automatically seemed like a trap. There must be some catch. He would always find a way to use things against me. She told me that my company is the only thing she asks for in return.
What have I done to deserve such wonderful people who care about me and who call me their friend.
Even with my university supervisor, I feel I am not worthy of our regular scheduled meetings to discuss my research project.
It's driving me crazy. I try and find the catch in every kind deed. I tell myself I must just be seeing things even when I have physical evidence of the kind messages they have sent. Surely I can't be worthy of them, not after how he treated me for so long.
I'm sure my abusive relationship that I'm now 4 months free from is mostly to blame. In the time since leaving him, I've had the fortune of making 3 wonderful friends, we'll call them A, B and N.
The first time A referred to me as a 'friend' in a text conversation, I screenshotted it. And just re-read it over and over, yet still tried to convince myself that I must just be seeing what I wanted to see.
B and N sat in the ER with me for hours when I was hospitalised a few weeks ago, even though I had barely known them at the time. They showed me more kindness and support in that day than he showed me in 2 and a half years. Even though I hate to even compare them to him, because they are kind and he was truly awful. When we were finally seen by a doctor, the doctor asked who my support people were- "friends, family...?". They didn't even hesitate: "friends", they said in unison.
I still replay that conversation over and over in my head.
B just texted me. She knows I'm going through a rough time. "remember that I'll answer your call if you need me, ok". I just sat and looked at my phone totally speechless.
I visited N last week. Afterward she hugged me and thanked me for coming, told me how glad she was that I had. Told me that I fill her heart up.
A offered to take me shopping. For me, it automatically seemed like a trap. There must be some catch. He would always find a way to use things against me. She told me that my company is the only thing she asks for in return.
What have I done to deserve such wonderful people who care about me and who call me their friend.
Even with my university supervisor, I feel I am not worthy of our regular scheduled meetings to discuss my research project.
It's driving me crazy. I try and find the catch in every kind deed. I tell myself I must just be seeing things even when I have physical evidence of the kind messages they have sent. Surely I can't be worthy of them, not after how he treated me for so long.