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Do you ever feel like you don't deserve 'good' relationships?

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bellbird

MyPTSD Pro
I've been feeling this a lot recently.
I'm sure my abusive relationship that I'm now 4 months free from is mostly to blame. In the time since leaving him, I've had the fortune of making 3 wonderful friends, we'll call them A, B and N.

The first time A referred to me as a 'friend' in a text conversation, I screenshotted it. And just re-read it over and over, yet still tried to convince myself that I must just be seeing what I wanted to see.

B and N sat in the ER with me for hours when I was hospitalised a few weeks ago, even though I had barely known them at the time. They showed me more kindness and support in that day than he showed me in 2 and a half years. Even though I hate to even compare them to him, because they are kind and he was truly awful. When we were finally seen by a doctor, the doctor asked who my support people were- "friends, family...?". They didn't even hesitate: "friends", they said in unison.
I still replay that conversation over and over in my head.

B just texted me. She knows I'm going through a rough time. "remember that I'll answer your call if you need me, ok". I just sat and looked at my phone totally speechless.

I visited N last week. Afterward she hugged me and thanked me for coming, told me how glad she was that I had. Told me that I fill her heart up.

A offered to take me shopping. For me, it automatically seemed like a trap. There must be some catch. He would always find a way to use things against me. She told me that my company is the only thing she asks for in return.

What have I done to deserve such wonderful people who care about me and who call me their friend.

Even with my university supervisor, I feel I am not worthy of our regular scheduled meetings to discuss my research project.
It's driving me crazy. I try and find the catch in every kind deed. I tell myself I must just be seeing things even when I have physical evidence of the kind messages they have sent. Surely I can't be worthy of them, not after how he treated me for so long.
 
Yes, I relate so much.
The next cognitive rabbit hole I fell down was that they didn't know the 'real' me and if they did, they wouldn't want to be my friend. Keep your eyes peeled for that one, matey.
So much of getting over abuse is de-programming.
I think we take our abusers seriously and these things become so internalized because our survival is so dependent on the abuser's mindset. It's kinda 1984 thought-crime stuff to even think something your abuser wouldn't agree with, when you're in it. Or it was for me. What they say goes, or all hell breaks loose.
You deserve friends. Just from where I'm sitting, you seem like a kind, compassionate person, and I feel like if I met you IRL I'd want to be your friend. These people are honoured to consider you their friend, too. I know it's kinda hard to believe, but it's true.
I'm so glad others in your life are seeing the beauty and value in you when you can't see it in yourself.
Let them do it for you, for awhile.
They're all competent decision-makers
If they didn't want to hang around you, they wouldn't.
One other thing I find really weird is that people without a background of abuse are just so ok with stuff/dont even see it as an issue to have friends. They just do it.
 
@bellbird I cannot tell you if these friends are genuine or not.

I do think you could take things slowly and accept reasonable kindness as simply as it it offered without getting too attached to any one single person.

You are only 4 months out of a long term abusive relationship. It is hard to accept that ppl will be kind and want to be around you when you have been hammered with abuse for so long.

At the same time it is very easy to get sucked into relationships that are not balanced. Clearly you need some assistance with some things in your life but you do not need to be rescued from your whole life.

Take it easy and try and believe in yourself. You are worthy and valuable and you can be in control of who you let into your life. (Boundaries?) What is healthy and what is not. In other words be a good friend back to these people too.

I'm sure you are worthy of good solid friends and non-abusive relationships. Just take your time developing them.:)
 
but a distorted thought nonetheless that needs to be challenged.
Definitely. My counselor talks about this but I still really struggle with 'challenging' the thoughts. For example, having coffee with friends when they invite me, instead of making some excuse not to go because I'm afraid my acceptance of their invite is somehow still asking too much.

What they say goes, or all hell breaks loose.
Definitely also relate to this. He even controlled what I ate. I'm so bloody excited for feijoa season this year (it's a fruit, for anyone curious, I've found from my travels a lot of people look at me oddly when I say the name), because I wasn't allowed any last year, nor the years before I think, though I have a lot of blanks in my memory from that time.

You deserve friends.
Thank you, @Swift , truly. I find myself re-reading this line like I have done so with the screenshots of my friends' messages.

(Boundaries?)
I realise from my post it may have looked like boundaries were lacking. However, we do have some in place (although it is fair to say that even then I still feel like I am 'too much', and my perspective of all relationships is definitely warped since the abuse so this was a good reminder, thank you).
B and N both work, and A studies. I've had conversations with all 3 where I've mentioned to them that because of my past, I worry that when they offer to help me, that they're maybe 'just being nice but don't really mean it' or that 'they're seeming nice but they're going to use this against me in the future'. I don't know whether that was necessarily the right thing to say; to breach the topic outright, but for me it was somewhat helpful because they each said to me something along the lines of 'if I need to focus on my work, then I will do that. And I will let you know that.' (even though the distorted part of me still tries to tell myself that I'm just remembering those conversations incorrectly and that I'm still not deserving)... but anyway, some boundaries have been set.

I'm sure you are worthy of good solid friends and non-abusive relationships. Just take your time developing them.
Thank you @blackemerald1
 
Well, I can say the moment I saw you around the forums, I liked you immediately. You're clearly a kind person who cares about others.

I understand how you feel, though. That's the reason I stayed in a bad relationship from 2008 to October 2017 -- I was a child at the start of it (so was she) but when it went further and further downhill, I just believed that I didn't deserve better because I seriously believed I was hurting her by existing. I thought I didn't deserve her "kindness" and so let her treat me poorly and let every bit of "kindness" be something I had to return.

I didn't even notice I had real friends for several years.

Hugs -- you'll get to where you know what you deserve
 
Be careful of your heart is all.
Thanks @Swift , I will keep it in mind :) any advice with getting through that bittersweetness you experienced? Or is it more just being aware it could happen and being gentle with yourself as you ride the wave-type of thing?

I seriously believed I was hurting her by existing.
Oh @littleoc it's an awful feeling isn't it?
Hugs -- you'll get to where you know what you deserve
Thank you :) hugs.
 
Yeah, I guess.
Remind yourself that you deserve it.
I have difficulty feeling that, or seeing the logic in it for myself, but I'll give you the logic I use to argue with myself.
Fundamentally, no human being should have that level of dictation and control over another human being. No human being has the right to dictate what another person eats, or more to the point, what they're "allowed" or able to take pleasure in, provided it isn't harming anyone else, or themselves to an unacceptable extent (ie chocolate is ok, heroin isn't).
I know you'd never control another person to that extent. I wouldn't either, because it is wrong and immoral and all sorts of messed up.
Taking myself out of the argument cuts out the whole feedback loop of, well, I might have deserved it, but no one else does. I can know that it's wrong, intellectually, but somehow twist myself so that it was ok because it was me, and not someone else.
I'd also allow yourself sadness or anger or the feeling of being hard done by over us. Pain is a protective impulse, like we don't knock into things on purpose because the bruises tell us that it is bad. (I could use more florid metaphor, but I'm wary of people's triggers.)
Sometimes I imagine my sadness as a dog that's hurt and needs a few pats, but then needs a human to tell it it's okay and to act normal. It needs it's injury acknowledged, but then it needs normality.
Sadness is tough for me. In group, one of the things I learnt is that some people use anger to mask sadness, and some use sadness to mask anger. Both are great emotions.
I dunno if that's any help, and riding the wave is definitely part of it. I had a lot of fear stepping out of what was ok when I was in the abuse, and some sheer terror the first time I did it without even thinking about myself being defiant.
They were all positive steps, but a bit tricky, I guess.
People think these things are simple - ,eating something you like but weren't allowed should feel like joy and triumph undiluted, but to me it didn't.
Good luck, my internet friend (is it ok if I call you that?)
 
What have I done to deserve such wonderful people who care about me and who call me their friend.

Anyone who is capable of appreciating and reciprocating kindness and love deserves it. You certainly qualify.

I relate very strongly to what you're feeling, but your ex didn't do this to you because you are a bad person or because you are lacking in any way as a human being. People such as him are like lions on the savannah. When a lion has a gazelle in its sights it doesn't stop and say to itself, 'Why gee that gazelle looks like a good and valuable member of its herd. I think I'll leave it be.' If that creature is hungry and sees an opening, it's just gonna take it. Your ex is no different. He's a predator with predatory instincts. He only went for you because he saw vulnerability of some kind. Do not interpret 'vulnerability' to mean 'insufficiency'. Every single person on earth is vulnerable at some point in their lives, and there is not a single one of them that doesn't experience a point when they would be susceptible to falling into a trap like that. In fact, qualities like kindness, trust, patience, generosity, and so forth - the things that make you a good and worthy person - are things that read as weakness to people like him. So if anything, he chose you because you are better than a lot of others.
 
I dunno if that's any help
It is, thank you.

Good luck, my internet friend (is it ok if I call you that?)
Absolutely. It made me smile :)

your ex didn't do this to you because you are a bad person or because you are lacking in any way as a human being
Thank you @Angrboda , your analogy really got through to me.

Do not interpret 'vulnerability' to mean 'insufficiency'.
Yeah I totally understand :)
 
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