Hey - this is my first post.
My trauma comes from a bad - I suppose abusive - sexual adult relationship, and the very difficult fallout that came after I spoke up.
He was my boss, we were in a very power imbalanced, age gap relationship.
When I spoke up lost my job, nearly lost all my life savings, nearly lost my career completely. Lost my physical and mental health.
I guess my question is, does anyone ever feel like they shouldn’t have ever complained / asked for help?
I sometimes think I should have done anything — numbed myself with benzos, taken an extended holiday — anything but speak up.
My life felt like it imploded when I asked for help. And at my most lost I feel like I made the abuse up, that he was in the right, that I am vindictive and bad.
I was told that I had lied by all of the very powerful people who rallied around him, and basically took any abuse he had directed at me and just magnified it beyond my worst nightmare. They interrogated, humiliated, isolated and threatened me for the year that I stayed at the company before they fired me, and made my life living hell.
They basically threw the entire legal might of the company at me, a 28 year old junior employee — and just so, so so much vitriolic male anger. It’s like if ‘me too’ hadnt happened, they wouldn’t have cared as much. But now was a PR disaster, and honestly I think they just thought they could bully me until I was so totally incapacitated I’d never function again in my career — and I’d disappear.
At my lowest I think should have done is just been happy with my lot, found ways to cope better with his behaviour, to please him and appease his jealously and demands. Because I was addicted to his love, and maybe years later still am.
Sometimes I look back now and I think I “what a young, stupid, naive and idealistic idiot — you didn’t know how bad it could get.”. My life with him was a compromise, but god knows now I’ve had to make horrific compromises to survive since.
I feel ancient now. I’m gagged under an NDA. I think I look ancient. My abusive ex/boss used to mock women who were 34, saying day were fat and middle aged. I’m 30 now. I look in the mirror and I look broken.
My trauma comes from a bad - I suppose abusive - sexual adult relationship, and the very difficult fallout that came after I spoke up.
He was my boss, we were in a very power imbalanced, age gap relationship.
When I spoke up lost my job, nearly lost all my life savings, nearly lost my career completely. Lost my physical and mental health.
I guess my question is, does anyone ever feel like they shouldn’t have ever complained / asked for help?
I sometimes think I should have done anything — numbed myself with benzos, taken an extended holiday — anything but speak up.
My life felt like it imploded when I asked for help. And at my most lost I feel like I made the abuse up, that he was in the right, that I am vindictive and bad.
I was told that I had lied by all of the very powerful people who rallied around him, and basically took any abuse he had directed at me and just magnified it beyond my worst nightmare. They interrogated, humiliated, isolated and threatened me for the year that I stayed at the company before they fired me, and made my life living hell.
They basically threw the entire legal might of the company at me, a 28 year old junior employee — and just so, so so much vitriolic male anger. It’s like if ‘me too’ hadnt happened, they wouldn’t have cared as much. But now was a PR disaster, and honestly I think they just thought they could bully me until I was so totally incapacitated I’d never function again in my career — and I’d disappear.
At my lowest I think should have done is just been happy with my lot, found ways to cope better with his behaviour, to please him and appease his jealously and demands. Because I was addicted to his love, and maybe years later still am.
Sometimes I look back now and I think I “what a young, stupid, naive and idealistic idiot — you didn’t know how bad it could get.”. My life with him was a compromise, but god knows now I’ve had to make horrific compromises to survive since.
I feel ancient now. I’m gagged under an NDA. I think I look ancient. My abusive ex/boss used to mock women who were 34, saying day were fat and middle aged. I’m 30 now. I look in the mirror and I look broken.